Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Hello everyone, I hope you are all having a good week.

So it's been a ridiculously short amount of time since the blow up with H which resulted in me going NC, just under two weeks and already I am feeling jittery!

I've been GAL'ng as much as possible but still all these thoughts run through my mind about whether I am doing the right thing or not. The whole DB ethos of actions being counterintuitive is no joke! Every bone in my body is screaming, it's not right!!

So instead of contacting H, I am going to list all the irrational 'what if' thoughts about NC going through my head today so I can get them OUT of my head!

What if he is happy that I am no longer contacting him;
What if he is happy that he doesn't have to do family time again;
What if he never contacts me again because he thinks I should be the one to contact him;
What if he decides to move away to another city because he doesn't think there is any point in hanging around here (before we got together he was thinking of moving away but he decided to stay because of me);
What if he decides to extend the lease on his flat for another year because he enjoys being on his own;
What if he decides to start seeing someone else...

I know these thoughts are irrational and if they are going to happen they will whether I go NC or not but I can't stop them from worrying me. I know I can do this NC thing because I did it for seven weeks last year but I don't know how I did it. I wish I had just continued with it and whether or not he eventually contacted me I might be in a much better place now.

I know this is the right thing to do because although I have all these thoughts I am not spinning as much so it is working for me but I miss him so much. I miss my Monday text when he would tell me what days he was available to come over. I miss Friday night movie night but I don't miss the feelings of resentment, hurt and anger before he comes over and when he leaves.

Why is it all soooo difficult!!!

25Years - I just wanted to come back to your question about what I would be doing if H passed away. That is such a difficult question to answer and I have struggled, I don't think I would have changed much really. I certainly wouldn't have changed jobs because I love my job so much. Maybe I would have moved house but I do love my house as well. I'm really not the sort of person to change something just for the sake of change so it really wouldn't be very much I'm afraid! What would you have changed?

Talking about jobs. I mentioned on another posters thread that I have been given a lovely bonus by my Manager for all my hard work last year. Considering I spent most of it falling apart I was very surprised! I think myself and D will use some of it to go away after her exams. At least that's some good news!!