My warning my wife about many men on tinder is not supposed to be a threat but advice at a time when I believe she may be vulnerable. I guess it would not be welcome anyway.
I see similar actions from worried H's who want to protect their WW from getting into situations with OM (online dating, meet ups with strangers, co-workers, or whatever). When the H approaches his W with words of "warning", it often has a tone of anger and bitterness.........and most of all, controlling. Well, if she's trying to date men, what H wouldn't be a little angry, right? This is me sharing my views, FWIW. If a man wants to warn his W of impending danger resulting from her conduct, he should approach her lovingly and speak in a tender, caring manner that shows his sincere concern for her welfare.........and leave his personal feelings and demands about what she's doing completely out of the conversation. It's about her and her safety. On the other hand, if she is cheating and/or conducting herself like a single woman that clearly crosses boundary lines for the M, then her H may approach her in a firm, confident manner to state how her conduct is disrespecting him and their M, and state the action he will take if she chooses to continue her wayward behavior. If he chooses the second option, he must backup his word and follow through with his action to separate (or whatever). The point is...... She is free to make her choices.
I can't blame any man who is upset about it, but speaking from personal experience, I think she will see you as trying to control her.........and it produces negative results, b/c she blames you for the shape of the MR. In my case, I saw my H as a weak, passive, desperate man trying to force me to conform to what he wanted me to do. The crazy thing in all of this is that I had previously been the woman who would have clicked my tongue and judged another married woman for the same behavior. But at this point, I was the wayward W, and filled to the gills with years of resentment. I had lost respect for my H, blamed him for not providing better,..........and eventually, I rebelled. When he tried to warn or give weak threats, I acted worse b/c I was rebelling against him and the lousy life I felt we had. Like your W, I felt trapped. I could not stand to be in the same room and share air with him! No, I did not hate him, I just felt like I was dying and struggling to survive....much like a fish laying on the ground gasping for oxygen. Eh.....a little dramatic wording perhaps, but I said all of that to show you that you cannot talk your W back into the M. As much as you may be tempted to say one more thing...........don't do it. Just work on yourself and let go of rope you have tied around her. In time, as she watches you (perhaps from afar), she will see you becoming the man you once were, or maybe better. She has to have time to work through her own stuff, before she will be ready to even consider putting forth any effort toward a MR.
I don't think I am projecting my stitch into everyone else I read on the board, b/c everyone is not the same, regardless of how similar the stories may sound. I have studied this for quite some time now, and the behavior patterns of a WW appear to be from the same cookie cutter. Until your W can let go of her resentment, and begin to feel respect for you.........I think she will continue to rebel. All in all, it still starts with you making changes for your health and the betterment of your family.
Even if a divorce is granted, it is not the end of you and your children. You can be happy, but I think you may need better help for the depression.. In the meantime, who knows what your W may decide later, I remember at least one story of a couple reconciling about a year after their divorce.
You can do what you need to do, James. I hope you will start by thinking differently about yourself. Maybe we eventually become what we believe about ourselves. If so, that should be our motivation to have a positive mental attitude, right?
I seriously want to see you pull yourself out of this pit of clay. Of course I hope the M will survive, but more importantly, I want you to be well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
