Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Hi friends! Sorry about being MIA, recently work had picked up and I am barely able to make time for self care.

WH and I had our first R talk a few nights ago. I kept it brief but again WH says he is conflicted and struggling to bond with me. I didn't REACT but rather validated and then told him, "I miss us. I miss what we had. I look forward to the future where we can heal and start to move forward. But right now the affair is a big elephant in the room and we can't move forward until we deal with it. I am not expecting you to grovel or self flagellate but I need to see some more action on your part." The entire time WH was staring at an Ipad and mumbling his replies. I brought up Retrouville and he basically mumbled he would do whatever I asked. So I backed off because dragging him to therapy or help had backfired in the past.

I weaned off the AD and the nightmares returned as well as the sleep disturbances. I wake around 3-5 am and can't sleep again. I am exhausted but I had gained 20 pounds on the AD, even with the gym, and was uncomfortable. I had gone to the IC who had tried to give us MC (and suggested I divorce WH in our session) but started to sense she wasn't really trying to help me. She would start the session late and end it early.

I continue to DB because it's the only thing that I can do. I think of calling my coach but after 11 sessions I already know what will be suggested. I can only move our R forward if WH gets motivated. I continue to GAL, enjoy my wonderful kids and work on a PMA. I also have worked very hard on controlling my anger and examining why I feel so angry, sometimes I think my reactions is disproportionate to the perceived offense. But my M is in limbo and sometimes I fantasize about filing D and moving on, finding someone who will move heaven and earth to show me love and loyalty. I just feel like plan B right now.