New member, please help.

[25yearsmlc]

Sandi,
This evening my wife spoke with me briefly.
She said that she had paid a solicitor a grand to start the divorce proceedings stating that she doesn't love or want to be with me.

The conversation started when I asked her quietly if she wanted me to go because

she has told you she wants out and she has told you why. Regardless of any OM's -she has told you over the years what she needed. It sounds as if you both have had hard times, you have been too depressed to work in a consistent manner and she's been bearing all the burden so, you saying you think she's depressed now or has OM just takes the focus off the one person you CAN control, which is you.


she had a relationship with someone else. I said I want to know because if that was the case I would know what to do. ( meaning but I don't know if I made myself clear that I would understand we were over)

I thought there was an OM. If so, then what?

my wife became a little frustrated saying no but of course I have seen her kissing a different man to the one that I think dropped her, perhaps someone she has known longer. But is it possible she hasn't taken it any further ?

So there's an OM at least partly physical, and certainly emotionally. How much difference does it make to you if it has gone further? I'm not arguing either way, just asking.

You know you have a w who says she wants out of the m, says she is acting on that wish, that her reasons for wanting out are not "crazy" or out of the blue, she's having some form of R with an OM...and you seem to be frozen in indecision.

Why not talk to someone there? I don't get what that risks. Can you tell us the downside?

She says she doesn't want men in her life and that I have put her off men for life by leaving her to struggle all these years.

She said she had been thinking about it for a long time to which I replied "I know, about 5 years. Her reaction suggests I was spot on.

Okay so, ^^ this discussion of OM's and "her depression" isn't really helping you solve much. TO me they are irrelevant unless you are saying you knew she was not happy but you did nothing to improve things and now she wants out and Now you are "willing" to do something.

What do you think WILL help the situation? When do you want to do that?


I won't go into everything so as not to waste your time plus my memory is vague but we talked for a short time reasonably,though she still insisted on divorce unless I left the house or something I don't recall.

She did say she would go to relate if the decision was binding.
I thought relate was a therapist organization, anyway I said that they were not the type of people I wanted to use and that we should use a solution based therapist and I will locate one. My wife didn't really comment further about this so I don't know if she agrees or not but I will look into it. Please advise the best way to do this.

Make sure you are taking action to help with the financial part b/c it's crucial to how she feels. And for how your family is doing.

And let's face it, it's not really fair to her for you to unilaterally decide on another project or training or whatever, while she works full time and tells you it's bothering her.

I think she's been really clear. As for a therapist, you can actually ask them if they are "solution based".

Some T's want to delve into childhood issues, which has a lot of value in the long run, or for an individual. But right now, your marriage is in crisis and the best case scenario to me, is you getting a job and delaying her departure from the m.

I cannot see value in you leaving the home, btw. Not sure if the laws are different in the UK, but here, it would not help you. (I'm assuming there is no violence, or too much stress in front of the kids, however).

Are you doing anything for GAL? Not all with the kids...but spending good time with the kids is also a good thing for everyone.


It has been suggested that I text my wife saying that I'm sorry that she wants to divorce but and as she is cheating g on me I can't carry on in the marriage and I would like to go with her to mediation. (This will save us thousands thigh not what she has spent already) and it could but time.

You want to save the m, or give her an ultimatum?

I mean, what is the point of saying that to her? She wants out of the m and IS willing to see other men.

So, you pointing out that you can't carry on, seems like an invitation to have her say "get out".

IF the time comes for hiring lawyers, THEN I suspect she will suggest mediation. She would be the payor, correct?


Perhaps the bot about cheating is antagonizing and not a good idea but I see why it was suggested.

The part about cheating is absolutely antagonizing and deflecting from your own role, and is absolutely going to annoy her. Why are you focussed on her, when she's not here trying to save the m?

I think you are overlooking that in her mind, "cheating" is not cheating. It's a justified relationship with OM b/c of her long unmet needs.

I know that hurts to read and I'm sorry. It's just that most people who have affairs, particularly women, have already thought it out. It's not a casual or spontaneous one night stand or "just for sex". Most women who have A's don't feel much love for their h's, but feel deeply wounded and or resentful, and have been for a long long time.

Pointing out the cheating at best, will fall on deaf ears. The more you challenge her choices, the more she will defend them. Keep that in mind.


Neither of us can really afford solicitors without putting a charge on the house which could wipe us out financially.

Then when the time comes, IF it comes, mediation can arise as a proposal. But I'd be surprised if she isn't the one to suggest it.


Perhaps her friends in the last post have bank rolled her. They are giving her advise and they clearly dislike me intensely.

What so you think ?

No control over this^^^. (Also doubtful that someone is just giving her money for this, but again, you have no control over this.)

You DO have control over you. What's going on in your sandbox?

Thank you
Best wishes,
James


Hang in there James. I wish you could see that you are empowered when you have work to do in your sandbox.

If this were all about her out of the blue, and if you had been a perfect h, then you really would be powerless.

But you're not powerless. That^^ is good news. I mean it!