New member, please help.

[sandi2]

I did not see your last post, when I sent my previous one. You had me really worried about you. My advice is to take care of yourself, first. I realize you want to take action to save your MR, however, your mental state is most important. You cannot make the best decisions when experiencing the type of pain you currently face.

Anyway it seems my comment about the dinner pushed my wife to now want a divorce and yesterday she told me that.

FWIW, I doubt your comment pushed her to want a divorce. According to the pattern set by those many WW's before her, she was just waiting for you to say one thing she didn't like, and then use it as her green light to divorce. If not for this statement you gave her, any other statement would have come soon enough......b/c she was sitting on "ready". I dare say she is following the free advice she has collected.

Don't beat yourself up and think you've pushed her into doing anything she didn't want to do. At the same time, I suggest you refrain from making similar statements........at least, for the time being. At this point, I don't think such statements will save the M, and could result in more problems for you.

I think my wife has made it very clear that she feels trapped by me trying to persuade her. She says I try to manipulate her and use emotional blackmail.

It is common for a W to feel she is being pressured when her H persistently tries to persuade her to change her mind. A WW would probably use similar terminology, as your W chose, to describe emotional pressure. I think it is natural for the LBS to at least try to talk sense into a spouse who wants to leave the M, however, it doesn't work well when there are issues such as MLC, waywardness, etc. Their mindset is not in "normal" mode. My point is that verbal persuasion is not generally successful in this type of situation.

I do wish to change who I have become, our circumstances and be able to reverse our financial situation and take care of my Family.

I am apprehensive but willing to go outside of my comfort box and work on myself but there is much to do.

I am anxious and desperate but willing to try anything.

Great! That is your starting place ^^^^^^^^^^^^willingness. Your circumstances will not likely change until you change yourself. I see most LBH's panicking and trying to change the circumstances before working on themselves. You have to get it corrected in the right order. Also, you must understand that making lifelong changes in yourself takes time.....if the changes are to stick. And, the circumstances may take even longer. There are no guarantees about your W and the MR. However, if you really work to make positive changes in yourself, I don't see how your life could help but improve from where you sit today. Do you? Currently, you are feeling miserable and seeing little light at the end of this tunnel, however, there is ALWAYS hope when you have the attitude that matches the words you have stated in the quote above. Willingness is your friend! Anyone can "wish". It takes courage to be willing to change yourself.

I am encouraged by what I have read in your last post. Now, to put legs to your willingness.

For now, your primary goals should be to get yourself protected legally, and emotionally. My advice is to seek legal guidance, in order to protect yourself, financially, etc. I would avoid public arguments, b/c it will work against you. I suggest you not listen to the team that supports/advises her. Avoid contact with those who wish to see the M end. Although you still want to save the M, these other things need to come first. The harder you try to save it, right now, the more depressed/fearful you may become, so keep your eyes on the goal of getting yourself protected and emotionally fit.