I wasn’t going to post! Pam, damn you, I wasn’t going to post! But, now I feel that I must…
I have been away as Triple J described. My life has taken some unexpected turns these past couple of months, and I can’t say that the majority of those turns have been bad. Only recently have those turns been taken on my marriage road, and therefore I didn’t feel it appropriate to post during that adjustment period. Pam and Betsey, my forever friends, have lent me their support and shoulders to cry on off of this board, but since the struggles that I was working through had little to nothing to do with saving a marriage or exiting one, I kept it off of the BB.
Sensationalism is big around here, and people often slow down to check out the latest car accident on the side of the road. The fact that they don’t get out of their cars nine times out of ten pisses me off. I can watch the number growing in the ‘viewed’ column next to my thread…but why would the ‘replies’ column be so much less than the ‘viewed’? The only thing I could figure is that I was the latest gory accident on the side of the road. And I would not, for any reason, throw the innocent people in my life into this cycle of sensationalism. The latest train wreck, as Pam would call it.
I will also agree with Triple J, as I had one such email at the very beginning of my ‘away’ period. This person knows who it is, because of the downright nasty email that I responded with. I apologize for the nastiness. Yet, please understand where it came from. My life is in turmoil, yet people don’t give a fig. They are simply seeking free therapy sometimes. And that too, turned me off from posting on the board.
This week, my sitch has taken another turn. Because I am in the middle of the hurt, fear and anger, I do feel that it is a turn for the worse. Add to those feelings the fact that my husband moved out a YEAR ago, and I don’t feel much hope. That said, a small part of me is considering that there may be more to this story beyond the black and the white of it. My H may be working through some things in a way that to me is the wrong way, but to him is the only way. The wrong way to me because he’s hurting my children as well, and it is not acceptable. I’d love to ask the board for help with this…but for right now I’ll stick to Pam and Betsey and anyone else who would like to email me. Why? I am not willing to be the train wreck right now.
Like Triple J, I would hope that some people read these posts and realize that they need to do a few things…
1. Recognize your own sitch and (after asking for advice) follow your gut feelings 2. Recognize that there are human beings posting on this board. Not therapist robots. 3. Recognize your more of the same behaviors and STOP THEM. It hasn’t worked for you before, and it is not going to work now. 4. Recognize the need for a 2x4 and issue it. Chances are you’re going to hurt someone far more by arfing for them than you will with the initial shock they’ll receive from hearing the truth. 5. Recognize the fact that posting advice to others is a great way to stay on top of your own DB tactics. You could end up helping yourself even if they do continue to chase their tail.
On that note, I’ll head off to start dodging the tomatoes that people are probably going to be throwing!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Whew. I wish now that I hadn't held this all back for so long! Who knew that many of us were feeling the same way?
It's funny, because I post things that I think are very harsh, then I turn to Meredith, who says, "There was nothing mean about that." But, I see that this is another area where we think alike... both Triple J and Meredith brought up the point that THEIR posts may make people upset. I read them twice and thought, "there is nothing here to upset anyone. It's all just refreshing honesty."
So, thank you!
Now, if I could only get up a little more courage to go tell a certain someone to quit bashing his BB X girlgriend and move on with his life....
I have to say I read and post mostly to the piecing forum and rarely venture to the others, mainly for lack of time.
I am somewhat puzzled by the recent posts on this thread. I am not offended by them, but I feel I have been on a different BB, or perhaps because I haven't given out my email address, I don't get strange and demanding emails from folk here.... or perhaps I just don't have that guru status!!
But honestly, if you don't fancy the way certain threads are, isn't it easy enough to just avoid them? I read the posts on my thread, weigh up the advice given, and then decide what to do from there. Once or twice I have had somehwat "harsh" feedback, so I have swallowed my pride and tried to figure out if what the poster was saying was the truth, and if yes, responded to it.
Surely we can take or leave most of the postings here, in a spirit of live and let live?
I have read many people's threads and not responded, either because I have felt I had nothing constructive to add, or because someone else has already made the point that I would have made. So what is the problem there?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I find this a very interesting conversation. It's certainly given me a lot to consider.
My own method has been to praise when I can. I've very rarely given out 2 x 4's because I'm always concerned that the person is not in position to hear me.
In fact, one time I did hand out a 2 x 4 and the person threatened to up and quit the bb. Not what I wanted at all. So, I came to the conclusion that I'm not skilled at handing out 2 x 4's.
I only want to help people not hurt them.
And I've come to the conclusion that for me...the best method is to praise when they do something right and stay quiet otherwise.
I would absolutely advocate the spirit of live and let live…to a point.
Quote: I have read many people's threads and not responded, either because I have felt I had nothing constructive to add, or because someone else has already made the point that I would have made. So what is the problem there?
The problem there is that you do have something to add. EVERYONE has something to add. If you read these people, then you clearly have an interest in their situation. Most of the time, I would guess that their sitch is similar to your own and you take things away with you when you leave. Well, so what would be so wrong with posting to these people? And if someone has already made the point that you were going to make, reiterate it! Show the person seeking advice that this worked or didn’t work for someone besides the original point maker. Affirm the person who posted such advice. Give the guy seeking information as much information as we have got to go on! Case in point, Pam was hesitant to post to Betsey and I because she felt intimidated. Turns out, she did post in the end, and is one of my very close friends and someone who has made this journey manageable for me. Had she decided not to post? Well, I would have missed out on a wonderful friend. Am I suggesting that we should post on every thread we read? Hell no! But when you read someone regularly, you should have something to say…even if it isn’t what they want to hear and goes against the rest of the seals.
Livenlearn, the advice you receive on your thread is of course valuable. And someone has to post it there for you to take value from it. All I’m suggesting here is that people reply to what they read a little more. It certainly makes people feel less like a cross between’ entertainment’ and ‘robot therapists’ and more like human beings!
Of course we cannot be everywhere at once and of course we have time restraints. No one is thinking that we should be everywhere on this board, and there is nothing wrong with sticking to a certain forum and venturing out into Newcomers once in a while to lend advice when there is time to do so. I myself have not posted to anyone lately because of time restraints (and frustrations), so I completely understand the need to stay away for a bit.
And to be fair, when you offer someone your email address you get what you get. But I do feel awfully taken advantage of when Pam posts on my thread that there has been some serious turmoil in my life and someone reads it and has the gall to email me saying that if I won’t be back anytime soon they need to email me their questions because they need answers. Give me a break!
What I am saying with all that, which may sound far more bitter than I intended it to, is that if we all pitched in and posted some 2x4’s to the people who are out there chasing their tails, the BB in general might get a strong benefit from it. And if we let go of our inhibitions to post to others, we may come out with more value from this experience than we thought possible.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Quote: Sensationalism is big around here, and people often slow down to check out the latest car accident on the side of the road. The fact that they don’t get out of their cars nine times out of ten pisses me off. I can watch the number growing in the ‘viewed’ column next to my thread…but why would the ‘replies’ column be so much less than the ‘viewed’?
I can think of lots of reasons. Personally, I try to post mostly when I think I have something particular to contribute to a thread. I won't post if I think others have already said what I would say, or if I am at a loss for words (yes, it does happen ), or if I really don't have any good input to give at that moment, or if I think the person is doing fine without my input, or if the sitch brings up so many painful memories that I can't regain my objectivity. Besides, if I responded to everybody every day I'd have to read only 3 threads or spend my entire day on the bb!
Also - don't forget there are lots of people out there who read but never post - and hopefully they are learning from our travails as well.
First of all, thanks for the post. It was this kind of give and take that I had hoped for. We're not always going to agree, but that's what I like about the board. It is helpful to get other perspectives. It should never feel like an attack if someone doesn't agree with you. Livnlearn, I think the key to your post was that you said that you've had to swallow your pride a few times. This is what I was getting at. Too many people just flail about angrily when they don't hear what they want to hear. No, I don't mean from me in particular, because I am far from guru status! But, when many people can spot a mistake being made, it does mean that it is time to swallow some pride and try to take a new approach. Or, quit whining about it. Either one.
Oh, sure, I have been in the same boat where a title caught my eye, so I read the thread, only to discover I had nothing to add. I'm sure it happens all the time.
Also, many people just "lurk" and try to learn without jumping in. And many of them follow the same threads. Again, nothing wrong with that.
When I "lurk" it is because there is something there that I am still trying to process. I may not find the owner of the thread too appealing, but perhaps he or she has a great support system in place, and I want to learn from them. I see a lot of this. I get frustrated when I see this, though, and I see no movement by the owner of the thread to better him or herself.
You may say, "who are you to decide that?" I ask myself that too. But, this all goes to the honesty I was referring to. I'm not here to win a popularity contest. I think at first I was though. When I got "real" though, that's when my life began to improve.
My posts were a response to the impatience I was feeling. We are all here for the same reason, and while there is no quick, one-size-fits-all fix, there is still help to be had. But, there are so many times that if someone jumps in with something really thought provoking, it is ignored in favor of the "atta boys" that people seem to want to hear instead.
I wasn't pointing fingers. I just was hoping to point out that just reading some threads is not going to be a life saver for anyone.
This is work, darn it! Really hard, soul-searching work. And, you may fall on your face every once in a while. Yes, it is great to have that support when you do.
BUT, this can't be a constant love fest. Sometimes someone has to step in and say the tough stuff. Sometimes you may have to stop doing something the way you have always done it.
My post can from the frustration of the tail chasing. But, I will not deny that Triple J and Meredith had some great thoughts as well.
But, like I said, that's the beauty of this place. You don't have to agree, but maybe it will make you think a bit.
Thanks again for the post! It is not easy to jump in when you think you are starting up some type of argumment. I assure you, you aren't! I'm willing to listen to many points of view. Who knows? I may "tweak" my own a little with some feedback.
And that is exactly why I am here. We're all just learning...
PIB, Thanks for that. I appreciate your method, I really do. It shows that you have a kind heart.
I just want to say this: If a 2 X 4 results in having someone threatening to leave the board, then they are blindly on their own anyway. You can't just decide to go with the praise, and ignore the other. I mean really! This is like thinking that the same person who is correct, in your mind, with the praise is now suddenly crazy because they don't agree with you? Follow me?
If people are here only for the praise, then in my humble opinion, they are in the WRONG place. If they were doing only praiseworthy things in their lives, well, they wouldn't need to be HERE, would they?
Thank you, for taking the time to post your thoughts. I needed to hear that to understand.
I probably expressed myself badly, I should have said -
Quote: I have often read people's threads and not responded, either because I have felt I had nothing constructive to add, or because someone else has already made the point that I would have made. So what is the problem there?
Of course I have posted to many people here, and even 'cultivated' some regulars, as one does, either because your situations are very similar, or because you kind of just click with the person in some way. It would be impossible to keep up with everyone, even if only on just this forum! And it looks like Ellie has said the same.
Also, I think that I try to follow the dictum, if you have nothing positive to say, then say nothing. It is what I am trying to do with H, LOL! I was pretty good at pointing out his shortcomings and inadequacies, so maybe I am just in that 'positive' mode generally.
Of course 2x4s don't have to be horrid, just gentle but honest pointing out of the truth, with constructive suggestions to follow through.
Another reason I don't respond to certain threads is that many of the posts are just personal banter, with references to sports and TV shows in the USA, of which I know BA (bu**er all)... I mean, I ONLY JUST found out who Nemo and Sting and Bruce and all the rest are, having watched Finding Nemo about ten days ago.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
If people are here only for the praise, then in my humble opinion, they are in the WRONG place. If they were doing only praiseworthy things in their lives, well, they wouldn't need to be HERE, would they?
Well, I know for me that's certainly true. I love getting praised. But the reason I stay on the BB is because I'm not quite ready to take the training wheels off.
I enjoy helping people. I enjoy being a part of a 'worthy cause', that's what this BB is to me.
But I also want to hear and understand what I've done wrong so that I can fix it in the future.
My husband doesn't always make sense to me.
Very often in the past, we would have a conversation that would degenerate into a fight. I did not understand how it got that way. What I did wrong. What I could do better.
I don't feel like I have an innate ability to strategize. To look at a situation, break it up into smaller pieces and examine each one. To me it's all a huge train wreck and I'm left there on the tracks saying, "What the heck just happened?"
So, I keep coming to the BB.
I'm not quite ready to venture out beyond piecing. I still am struggling with detaching.
My ultimate goal is to be able to help people in the Newbie section.
My dream is to become a marriage and family therapist.
I know that to do so, I will need to learn the skill of the velvet 2 x 4.
I believe that by continuing to participate on the BB, I will continue to improve my skills of breaking down the situation. And I will continue to improve my skill of detachment.
But, I have a ways to go yet.
Thank you again for this thought provoking thread.
), or if I really don't have any good input to give at that moment, or if I think the person is doing fine without my input, or if the sitch brings up so many painful memories that I can't regain my objectivity. Besides, if I responded to everybody every day I'd have to read only 3 threads or spend my entire day on the bb!
