When I thought things couldn’t possibly get worse. I’ve had the worst night I’ve had ever. I had bad nights, especially when this whole thing started. But last night topped them all. No sleep, I feel sick, I wanted to throw up my whole body aches. It didn’t help I looked at her old fbook posts. They were all with me tagged, “i’m so thankful for cheesy” “happy birthday love” and some “I’m so spoiled” and we did this and that and I’m so happy. I mean…endless posts, 6 years worth of them. Just happy remainders of a happy marriage. How could she possibly re write our history?! It’s insane. For a while I thought she was right, though rationally I knew it was a lie. But seeing those kind of confirms it. I guess.. I finally fell asleep around 1am. Woke up around 330 and couldn’t fall asleep so finally at 4 am I went to the couch and turned on some netflix. My mind just wouldn’t stop. The limbo is over. Divorce is imminent. Nothing I can do or say will stop this. This is it.
I also had plenty of time to think what are some of the things / qualities I miss. Mainly, laughing so much before bed with W. some nights we just couldn’t stop laughing. She listened to everything, and though I have a great friends sometimes I feel like they don’t necessarily care to listen to what I have to say. Whereas my wife, well she’s my wife, she signed up to listen to all my nonsense. Also something I keep saying I miss are hugs, It dawned on me last night 80% of my hugs were from my D. My D would ALWAYS hug me / wife. Sometimes she’d just run inside to get water and would walk up to us and say “I love you” give us a hug and kiss and go back to her friends. I feel better writing this out. But I really really miss them. With every fiber of my being. I can feel it all over my body, it almost aches when I miss them. Idk. Its weird.
W sent me a calendar invite for D’s dentist appointment yesterday afternoon. I didn’t confirm or reach out, I know she’d say it was an “accident” again. I just ignored. It’s Bull. But I would like to think it was to get some sort of reaction out of me. Or for me to reach out. Which I didn’t. We haven’t talked in over a month. Longest we’ve gone. Perhaps that played a part in last nights personal struggle. Idk though.
I hope I don’t have many more of these nights, I’m exhausted. Hopefully though I’ll be so tired tonight I’ll sleep well.
