Gripman! So wonderful to see you here again! I've really missed you and your calm demeanor. The voice of reason has spoken. And I'm glad you're doing well.
Merrick--Thanks for the e-mail. I fired you back a note.
Pam--I hear you, loud and clear. I'm finding the temperature lately difficult to bear myself. Maybe my own revelations haven't helped anyone here? I don't know. I'll send you off an e-mail soon as well.
I do know that I'm going to follow a lead from Meredith and give Mr. W. a sheet of paper asking him 3 questions that I need answered--and the last one will be when I can expect to get an answer on them. I'll run them by the MC first. That way, I can avoid heading into my diatribe and venting.
About being a better person, let's go back to Meredith's concept of "considering".
Today I will consider not living in my head and expecting any specific outcome.
Anyone else, feel free to chime in.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Bets- Alright, I am going to say that I am really pissed off that Mr. W was that flippant to D10 about the appointment. REALLY pissed off!
Pam- You are absolutely right about the frustration with wallowing. I need to post the ground rules for my life that I wrote in my journal last night. They had to do with "making my own choices and letting other people make theirs", "not being a martyr - giving as much as I was willing to, and no more", "looking for the spots of beauty in my life, regardless of the circumstances" and such like that.
This is the one and only life I get, for ME! And I am responsible for the way it's lived. I don't need any specific circumstance to be happy. I just need to be me.
And that's my thought for the day! Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I still find it hard to except the fact that I'm pretty smart.But I do know I have street smarts.
Pamela I was a cry babie in the beginning wasn't I?
I have grown a lot.I think I needed something to push me.But damn did it have to be this.
I'm not sure if he is feling guilt or if the couch has a bad memory because it is where I spent 10 months sick.
I'm feeling better.
Thank you for pulling me up when I was down. Sometimes I let it get me down.But I feeling so much stronger today.I think the weekends are hard for me because it is when I have time to think about it. I use the weekend to do laundry and clean and do yard work.these are things I can do a nd think at the same time.Maybe I need to do housework some other time and go have more fun on weekends.
Thank you for being there for me. Later Friends. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
You know the time I mainly think about my sitch is when I'm driving. It seems that is all I can think about some days -maybe it's the radio that helps that lousy thinking along.
Weekends used to be bad for me but my new job requires weekends at least for now and I don't have a chance to think about my sitch.
Keep the mind busy.
Mary
"God, help me keep my head up, my heart open, and know I'll always be guided along the path."
Hi, ladies - Just dropping by with directions to my new digs - I could definitely use some help today with a somewhat unique problem. I need advice! Please visit when you get a chance at What have I done?. I think I may have done something irreparable. Hugs to all of you, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Quote: I don't have it in me to be an "arfer." (arfing seal..you know...) I was hoping for more give and take on how to be the best person you can be. What I see is a lot of people chasing their tails and then wondering why they are not getting anywhere. Am I just too impatient? Sure, I'll agree that for the first little bit that wallowing seems the only option. But, at some point it needs to go beyond that.
I feel heartless for thinking this. But, I can't deny who I am
I appreciate your honesty. I am one of those people who continue to chase my tail around. I KNOW what I should do, I KNOW what works, I KNOW what doesn't work, I KNOW why I do what I do, I KNOW what the payoff is, I KNOW what a good m I could have, yet I continue to do all the wrong stuff. Lord, I wish I could help myself. I know it is frustrating for you to read, as well as it is for my h to take.
I frustrate myself. I don't know why I feel like I can't control my emotions and what comes out of my mouth, or what tears fall out of my head.
If you have any suggestions on getting un-stuck, please lay them on me. But, I don't think that is your point. I'll have to read up on your sitch.
Karen, Thank You! You have made my day. I knew that post would make some people angry, but I was hoping that it would also make some people think. So, I'm glad it got you going.
Yes, you are right, it is frustrating for me to read some of the threads here. I wonder why I put myself through the aggravation at times. I don't mean to sound all high and mighty here. I certainly have made my share of mistakes, and I will be the first to admit it.
My old thread is buried. I really needed it at first, but then it just became repetitive to me. Luckily, I recognized very quickly that I was a crazymaker. I remember the day I saw that word! I was shocked. Who knew there was a name for people like me???
I guess the first step is to keep your thread going, and keep current with the people that will be honest with you. Not the arfers. I think that I explained a while back that "arfers" are those that constantly tell you how great you're doing, while you repeat the same mistakes over and over and over.
We're not here to be cruel to each other, of course, but some no-nonsense commentary is sometimes quite helpful. (A "2X4, " to use DB terminology.) I needed those, and thank God I had Meredith and Betsey to give them to me. They didn't let me wallow. They asked the tough questions. To my credit, I did the tough work and responded honestly. Even if it meant telling things about myself that were not too flattering...
Anyway, if you keep a thread current, and you are willing to dodge a couple of 2 X 4's, that's half the battle. The other half is to take that stuff to heart and really try to change it. It gets embarrassing when you realize that you are posting the same old stuff day after day after day.
We're all experimenting here. That's the beauty of this resource. What works for Bets may not work for me, but I may be able to draw something from it to suit my own sitch. The point is to keep moving forward.
So, in return, I appreciate your honesty!
Quote: I am one of those people who continue to chase my tail around. I KNOW what I should do, I KNOW what works, I KNOW what doesn't work, I KNOW why I do what I do, I KNOW what the payoff is, I KNOW what a good m I could have, yet I continue to do all the wrong stuff. Lord, I wish I could help myself. I know it is frustrating for you to read, as well as it is for my h to take.
Knowing this is HUGE! Don't be afraid to take the next step, Karen! You don't have to know WHY you do these things yet. Just know that you do them, and find your way to stop. For me, honestly, it was as simple as discovering that I just did not like myself, and that I wanted to change.
I drove myself to the library one day, and picked up every self-help book that I thought applied to me. Then I read, and I experimented.
I tell myself daily that I do not want to be a crazymaker ever again. It is a struggle for me many days. But, I have the willpower to keep being "crazymaking sober."
Why? I have to. For my H, for my kids, but mostly for me.
It sure feels great to go to bed each night not feeling bad for some ridiculous outburst.
So, I know I made this sound a lot simpler than it is. It is harder than anything I have ever done. But more rewarding too. You know that's the way life goes, though, don't you?
Thanks so much for your post.
You can control yourself. Lord, if I can...anyone can!!!
Thank you very, very much for bringing the honesty out. I am hoping that everyone gets a chance to visit this thread because of the last few posts.
I would like to add a few things if I may to the honesty fest, because I think it bears needing said.
This BB is a wonderful thing. When I first came here, I didn't know where to turn. I was atr a complete loss of what I should do. But through reading posts, the help of some people and much, much reading of books, I learned about the man I should be and became that man.
But I will be honest and say that there were times where the BB was a hinderance, because of some of the things that were listed in your post. It does get tiring to read the same things, over and over and over again. It gets tiring to try and help people who do the same things over and over and over again.
IMO, there aren't enough 2x4s thrown around here. There is too much arfing, patting on the back thinking even though you backslid, things will be all right. Well more often than not, they aren't.
THIS IS WHY HONESTY IS SO IMPORTANT ON THIS BOARD!!!!!!
Not only honesty with what we tell others, but honesty within ourselves.
Also, and you mentioned this, what works for one does not necessarily work for another. I see on threads people trying what others have tried, seemingly doing it blindly without looking at thier own sitch.
I t is imperative to realize the state of our own sitchs. My W is totally different from any other here on the BB. She may be doing alot of the same things, but only I know how she will react, only I know how she perceives and only I know what she is capable of. The alien behavior only goes so far.
I also want to add the fact that this BB can be overwhelming at times, and all of us need a break from it. I believe that if a person is away from the BB, it is for good reason. It may be that they need a break. It may be that they have a family crisis. or it just may be that they need to hide in the cave for aq bit. Whatever the reason, this person needs to be away for their own well being. While most of us have traded personal emails and IM names, there are times where a person just needs to be left alone. If a person you most rely on the board is "away", people need to respect that.
Alot of us are in pain. And we, especially the people who have been doing DB for a while, deal with it in their own way, and most of the time it is internal, away from the board.
I implore people to give us this time. Please, emails or IMs or calls asking what you should do in your sitch, knowing how much we are going through, maybe unfair at times. There are many people on this board who will help, we don't need to rely on a few people.
I am not trying to be mean here. We know who are friends are. I will tell when I need my time and just hope people respect that. I highly welcome emails asking how I am doing and that your concerned for me and send me hugs from here to Hoboken, but don't be surprised if you send me an email asking what you should do when I am in pain, and I don't answer or send you back to the board.
This is what the board is about.
Hope I didn't make too many people mad, and if I did, well......
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Thanks everyone for the honesty! I feel this way too sometimes.
I echo everything you just said, TripleJ. Esp. the part about respecting each other's time and being honest about what we need as well. In fact, learning to communicate what I need is something I've gotten a lot better at thanks to the folks on this BB.
But I also remember that before I came to this board, I spent a long time chasing my tail with a group of amazing friends listening to me before I was able to move on to the next stage of my OWN growth (namely setting goals and taking actions for ME).
Those friends are still friends--thank goodness--though I am sure they wanted to shoot me on sight for a while there. I know some people don't have that support at home. But I know that I *had* to go through that stage to get to the one I am in now. I also needed to know that I could pick myself up after a backslide and get back on track. Otherwise I might well have veered off in a negative direction.
I suspect others need to know this too.
I think the balance may tip sometimes. But both approaches are helpful in the right sitch. No, our spouses aren't all the same, and what works for one might not work for another.
And the same is true of us.
Take care all you hardworking DBers, wonder, who welcomes any needed 2x4s on her own thread.
