Just a vanilla change 34

[Vanilla]

Thank you Zephyr for your lovely kind and supportive thoughts.

I think I forget how far a journey I have come, how much I have had the privilege to learn and grow. Three years ago I knew nothing of these things. Some abilities are inate partly from my background, I would happily have lived my life without the need to know. Once one knows one can never unknow.

I keep waiting for my higher power to help me decide what I have to do with this knowledge. How to use it, where to go with it, I get glimpses of the easy days of my yesterdays when the world was full of open doors. When there was no dark tunnel in front of me.

These things are not of depression or anxiety and they are of sadness and loss. My life dismantled like a lego building in pieces waiting to be reassembled into something new. Sitting in the ruins of dreams and no certain future. Just sitting waiting for the connection.

I do not miss the Giggalo, I miss the idea of my future with a loving partner in my life. I miss the physical connection, I miss the hanging on to my dreams. Always I miss the hanging on, it is as it was.

I have fear and yet I don't. It isn't the future I fear, I fear the lack of a future. I am spiritually empty and lonely for my higher power.

So much loss and grief with more to follow.

It is a limbo period, the time of limbo when replenishment takes place, a necessary waiting room where innocence hangs still. I am minded of the film the lovely bones where there is a glorious place of limbo. In my mind I see this board as limbo and we gather around the tree of knowledge, learning and waiting to move to the next plane of life.

In this is patience. I am learning patience, no doubt my higher power is testing this.

I keep reading and preparing for the next phase.

V