WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a difference

[BluWave]

I'm not sure how exactly to advise you on that, but I have read here often to keep your M/emotions completely separate from the financials. That's hard to do, obviously! Perhaps you can think about it this way--what choices would you make about finances/taxes if it had absolutely no affect on your R with him? Maybe do that--do the "right" thing--not what may win him back or punish him. If he were your business partner and you had to file taxes together, what choices would you make? Can you just do that--treat this as all business and put emotions aside? If it helps don't discuss any of it, just email all the financials and in a matter of fact tone. A good paper trail may be needed down the road too.

I've been meaning to chime in because I read along and your anger is palpable. I can really, truly relate to this anger! During the time my H was gone, I was bubbling over with hurt and anger--that is what makes following Sandi's rules so, so hard! You have to put on your strong/confident mask when you interact, when all you want to do is snap, fire off, or cry and fall apart. I know how hard this is! I also know how hard we can be on ourselves when the time is going on and on and we wonder why we haven't made any progress yet. You feel stuck and frustrated on top of wounded and angry. I get it.

My therapist had described it to me this way--I was the lion and he was the mouse. He stayed deep in his hole because he knew the moment he peaked his head out, I would rip it off. Or roar. So he stayed in there, where he was safe. So I don't want to put anymore pressure on you, skm, put could it be that you are also a lion? Even when you don't rip his head off, with each interaction, are you reminding him that you are hurt and angry? If so, he will stay hidden.

I know you don't have kids and there are fewer opportunities to interact, so that must be frustrating. How can you better use those times to DB? Can you try and only listen and validate the next time you talk? Less is always more in this game.

I can also see your exhausted and want to know how much longer you can do this. Here is the thing, what is it you would like to do differently? I like 25s mental activity of imagining that H has died, some time has passed, and to plan your life that way. If that involves selling your home, changing jobs, moving, etc, then it's perfectly okay to do those things now. What exactly is holding you back? Really think hard on that.

I see that you are feeling stuck, but I want you to see that H is not keeping you stuck, you can only keep you stuck. Really think about it. He's gone. It hurts, I know it hurts, but he is. You can't wait for him.

This is why I believe in DB; if we can follow the program is serves us in two ways. We learn to put ourselves first, GAL, 180, and become a stronger and more confident person. In that time we can also allow ourselves to let go of our M, detach, and possibly accept and forgive them. In time, they will see a stronger, happier, and "improved" person. This increases our chance that they will want to come back.

Not all do and many don't ever. If you can start moving forward and finding happiness without H, then you will feel better. That's what you need right now, correct? If you can start moving in that direction, he will notice. He will see that you have let go of some of the anger because you are more focused on you. And if he doesn't ever come back, well then I'm sorry for him because you deserve better. You deserve someone that can love you and appreciate you for who you are.

Do you really want someone that can walk out on your M, cheat, and totally abandon you? I bet your strong and happy self doesn't. So how can we find her again???

If there is one thing I wish I could have done differently during a long, and painful, separation, it would be all of the above. That is why I tell you this--I can see you in me. My anger only held me back and only hurt me. He is not holding you back--he is gone--it's time to live for you.

(((Skm)))

Blu