-I feel like I can not detach and that keeps me in this painful, emotional place I have been in for a while -I continue to have expectations and that also keeps me in this same place -I also am saying one thing and doing another, and that definitely is not helping me
Like you, I am putting barriers up in my own path. I am the one making the decisions in my life....no one else. So I need to start making better choices....ones that will benefit me.
Yes, selling the house would be a good thing for me. I know he is surprised I want to sell it (he told me so). He asked me "what made you want to sell the house" and I told him that it is not easy coming home everyday to a place that has so many memories in it. He said he understood. We did discuss selling the house, and he asked me if there was anything he could do to help me with that process.
We had a good conversation last night about many things. He again told me that he continues to lack courage when it comes to me. He also mentioned that he is learning that his behaviors in the past and in our M, has likely been a result of being controlled by his parents growing up, and how he learned to deal with that was by avoiding his feelings and emotions (something he did very well in our M).
I asked him if he was happy with where things were right now. He said he feels free of a lot of "baggage" meaning that he feels a weight lifted off of him because he has realized things about himself, is acknowledging them, and is continuing to make changes. I told him I was very proud of him because that is not any easy thing to do.
We didn't speak about our current relationship or D. I mentioned a conversation that I had with a friend who asked me why I wasn't divorced. I told them that getting a D is not a priority for me right now, and that I am continuing to work on myself. After I made that comment he then said "yes, that is where I am, I am still working on me." I am trying not to read into that comment....but it is hard.
We agreed to meet tonight for dinner. We need to discuss taxes and I'm sure other things will come up. We both did A LOT of talking last night, so tonight my plan is to listen.
