I am almost 3 months unemployed. I've interviewed with 6 companies so far. I've been passed over every time, but it really hasn't fazed me yet. I've signed on with 2 headhunter agencies last week and hope to see some more interviews. I am collecting unemployment and still have some severance pay left. I am making a point not to get upset or anxious about this. My first year of being a LBS included much lost sleep and skipped meals. I am making strides in dealing better with my anxiety. I am going to keep looking for a job, but I am not going to worry about it.
I shared this with my friend MW, who reminded me that this is really the FIRST time I am looking for a job in today's climate. I am pretty lucky to get to the age of 43 before having to pound the pavement for a paycheck. The other thing I am learning about while going on job interviews is to allow myself mistakes - I am simply not going to land a job from the first interview I get. I am acknowledging that these mistakes are part of the process and I am drawing the lesson from them whenever I can. It's the Capricorn in me - beating myself up when things don't turn out perfect or when I don't feel like the Master.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting and I feel I am possibly no longer standing. I may just be in an anger phase once again. I am just waiting out the D to its inevitable conclusion. When W filed for D, it energized me to DB even more, and I needed to. Anger and fear motivated a lot of my behavior and it's something I needed (and still need) to change. I know I can justify the anger and fear within me by looking at the sitch she's created, but I know it's not healthy for me, and it doesn't feel healthy. I know this corner of my heart that's been turned to stone by her BD and subsequent behavior is not good for me.
Nonetheless, over the past 3 months, I slowly feel like I am arriving at the conclusion that I am just really repulsed by all of her behavior. D or no D, I don't want to feel this way forever. I think she's disgusting, and I want these feelings to go away. I'd rather be happy.
One of my mother's comments to me about my sitch was that she sensed some jealousy on my part about OM. I never considered it because one thing I truly never struggled with in my life was envy. I also can say that in 19 years with W, the last freaking thing I ever worried about was adultery. I wouldn't have married her if that was any concern in the back of my mind. Until BD, it wasn't a possibility. Her A may be the first time I am grappling with jealousy. There may be some corner of my mind I haven't acknowledged yet.
I guess I am jealous of OM. Her A definitely makes me feel inadequate. I do wonder - why does she prefer him? From what I've gathered, OM spends so much time on the phone with my W because he's basically sitting around waiting for his own W to call. OM is separated. His W calls him - whenever she feels like it - to come over and be her Temporary Husband for the evening (homework with the kids, cook dinner, etc). This guy doesn't do anything else but sit in his apartment all night talking to my W about the most banal minutia. OM calls her 5 or 6 times a day, usually to tell her about the latest work place drama, and she hangs on to every word. I. Don't. Get. It.
The jealousy, the fear, the anger - I guess they all grow from the same place; my ego. I don't know how to handle this. I don't think I am doing the heavy work on myself yet. I think I am only in the process of acknowledging what I think I need to do to free myself.
As for W, nothing has changed. 3 months of unemployment has got me spending even more time at home. I see she spends the entire day gripping her cell phone for talking / texting / video games / TV shows. I've come to rename her "One Armed [W's name]".
She has been going to the gym 3 - 4 nights a week. She's lost a lot of weight, she's nearing a figure closer to when I first met her. Still crazily applying creams to her face, still plucking body hair whenever possible, still starving herself and then breaking her diet once a week with jelly beans or an Italian beef sandwich.
A lot of her MLC stuff is still ever present - nightly insomnia, memory lapses, shark eyes, avoiding responsibility and decisions, leaving the house whenever possible, thinning hair and black circles under her eye sockets. She's been trying harder with our sons lately, but a lot of that is still overloading them with toys and junk food and sweets.
I am GALing more, not exactly the things I want to do, but getting out of the house helps.
I am catching up on many current threads here. You guys are tough.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
