WW wife turned WA what to do? Sandi2 anyone?

[25yearsmlc]

75,

What do you want? Do you want to save your M if that is possible? Do you feel that it is worth fighting for?

Based on your last post, I see that your W is conflicted. That is a good thing. But if you want any hope of saving your M, forgiveness for everything MUST be on the table. If you want to save your M, you must be willing to forgive lots of things. You must be willing to forgive the A, not willing to do counseling, etc.

Your W is in a fog. She can't even contemplate going to counseling while an A is ongoing. She is not herself. She is not logical. She is caught up in the fog of the A and can't think of anything other than feeding her addiction.
If you want to save your M, you have to be willing to leave the door open for her and forgive. If she thinks you will never forgive, she has no incentive to want to come back to the M.


To me, this^^ is what the DB coaches means when they say "Keep the road home, paved and smooth."

It does not mean to have no boundaries, or to be a doormat.

But the scorch and burn policy helps NO ONE, even if saves you some money at the time.
A lot of money is spent on Lawyers partly b/c of the LBSer wanting to make a point.

But remember 2 things.

1) The WAW tends to have justified the A in the first place. That is hard to hear, I know.

Pardon my sexist views, but in my opinion, the women who have affairs usually feel they were justified. At least when it began.

Sometimes they had some valid points about things lacking in their marriage (which is NOT to justify the A, just saying THEY FELT justified and it wasn't always just insane or "wacky MLC" crap that got them there). Telling them they are wrong is just not effective at reaching them, even if it's true.
To be clear,

Affairs are never "right". But they are also NOT all alike. The chances of a recon after an affair, also vary and much of it depends on how the LBS reacts and behaves, now.

Some men have affairs that are solely "just for the sex", which I have never heard come from a woman. Other men have affairs that are reflections on their need for more admiration, and or their insecurities (& yes, some say they fell in love)

In any case, if a wayward spouse might someday want to come home but knows or THINKS that their LBS hates them or cannot forgive them, there is a good chance the WAS won't bother trying, even if they want to.

The WAS fears that the LBSer will hold the A over their heads like the Sword of Damocles, forever - OR throw the A in their face every time there is a fight. Or keep moving the goal post in terms of what the WAS must do to "prove" themselves and "only forgive IF IF IF...

So, how do YOU protect yourself financially WHILE also keeping that road home paved and smooth? Good question.

First, I suggest you Keep the legal & financial issues OUT of your daily conversations. How can you rebuild a friendly comfortable atmosphere if a legal battle about money keeps coming up? Especially blurting out absolutes about "never getting X", etc...

Don't throw more obstacles in the way of the road home. Do not adopt a war like stance. Let the dang Lawyers work it out! IF you are pressed, and only if, then tell your w then and there, you will "need to defer to your lawyer on that" or you will "get back to her later" (and then do let the lawyers work it all out. That is what they are paid for.)

SECONDLY, remember that when you adopt a scorched earth or rigid approach, you DO spend more on L's and sometimes it's actually more than the WAS is asking for.

Think about ^^that. You're spending more or the same as you would have, by giving the WAS what they wanted, but you are adding acrimony to it. And making it look as if things are beyond the point of no return, for her.

AND depleting assets for both of you. To what end? To teach her a lesson or punish them? As my DB coach reminded me often, Life teaches them the lesson...

Besides, depleting marital assets is money that could have been spent on the children.



I'll bet if you asked my W, she would also say that I couldn't forgive because of "how I am."


Why would she say that if she were here to explain?

From HER point of view, what would this look like? Btw, it's only when we can see things from the spouses view that we can empathize or work on ourselves and without that, we get nowhere.

And yet I can forgive, so long as she

Forgiveness does not work this^^ way, imo. If you were PIECING, (which you are not) then setting out specific boundaries for what you might need to re-establish trust, then I could see you listing out your list of requirements.

I don't see that happening this^^ way at all, however. Sorry.

I fear Your version of forgiveness is contingent on things, and that, by definition is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not about keeping score. You must lose the scorecard if you want to reconcile or remarry someone else, for that matter.

Scorecards are the opposite of most marriage vows. (Keeping a record of wrongs, etc)
And the weird thing we forget is that our spouses have their own scorecards and on theirs, we are NOT winning.

hence the need to have both parties ditch the scorecard. Forgiveness - is a gift we give ourselves. That's not new agey BS.

It means we let go of the pain/anger we feel at the betrayal. Sure, it's a huge struggle.


But holding onto anger b/c we think the WAS deserves it, or to punish them,


is like lighting ourselves on fire, to get smoke in their eyes. It consumes US.

When we truly dig deep and face our own part of the problems in our marriage, (which can be devastating), it helps us to ASK for forgiveness from our wayward spouses and that can help us to let go of our own pain. (It also models what asking for forgiveness looks like).

Yes It requires a brave look inward on our part. But the real journey in life is an inward one.

& then We go "from this day forward". AND IF we get another chance at this marriage, we create mutually acceptable measuring tools FOR MONITORING OUR OWN GROWTH and communication, not for keeping score or demanding proof of their worthiness.

Gosh, I really hope this^^ makes sense to you. Something makes me think that you want her back in any form, even if it's broken b/c of what she's losing out on financially but in my gut, it means that EVEN IF she tries to reconcile, it won't last. I feel as if she'd feel more trapped and desperate in time. And I'm sure you don't want that.

that are not going to happen.

is willing to do the work to repair the damage she has done. Its not easy and requires [b]more patience than I can muster.

What do you see it taking on her end?

But I do it anyways because I do want my W back.[/b]

May I ask why you want her back?

I'm being totally sincere. Can you list 3 things you love about HER?


My W's A ended on April 2nd last year and she has been home since the beginning of May. The A ended because OM confessed to his W after I filed for D (and probably did so because he knew I filed for D and was probably going to expose the A to his W).
It has been HARD since then. Forgiveness is something that I have to work on daily.

How was forgiveness modelled in your family, growing up? I found it to be a learned skill, b/c I did not see it in my childhood. I only saw it on my father's death bed.

Forgiveness is NOT the same as condonation. It's letting go of the past to start fresh and "from this day forward" which I think are brilliant words from marriage vows.