I ended up writing back to him that I know it wasn't his intent, but what he was asking me to do was essentially to set myself on fire to keep him warm.
Last evening he asked me if I'd signed a lease and I said "yes" and that was it. Then he got ready to go out for the evening and went out. He seemed to be doing a great deal of grooming so I felt nervous he might be going on a date and it made me feel sick. This is a reason I need to get out of there. I fall apart at the thought he's replacing me. I know that's about my issues so it's something that I'm working on, but that's going to take me time and I don't have the benefit of time.
I think things are about to get really bad. Maybe not. I don't know. He seems to have made all of his plans where he just hits the "eject" button on the life he built with me and experiences no hardship because I'm still right there paying the bills.
It bothers me that he thinks that I'm that pathetic. That he mistook my love and wanting to work through things as desperation.
My sense is that things are about to get pretty bad now that he knows I'm not paying to support him and his kids once I move. I found a place I can go for a month and then my lease starts. I am seriously considering moving out this week. Part of me thinks maybe I should stay to see what happens, but I also know that he's incredibly stubborn and is laser focused on me as the source of all of his problems. So getting out of the line of fire of his contempt is probably the best thing I could do.
Any experts want to tell me if this is the right thing to do?
I'm going to do my darnedest to maintain friendliness as I begin the moving process, but I know he's going to be upset with me and I don't quite know how to handle that. I'm not used to disappointing him, but maybe that's exactly what I need to do to throw him off balance.
In my GAL news, I'm going to a concert tonight on my own. It's an artist he introduced me to, and I just saw that she was playing in town. Instead of telling him, I bought a ticket for myself and left it out on my dresser. He may have seen it or he may not have seen it. I don't know.
I'm going to get ready and go out and have fun on my own. I had a friend who was going to go but she just wants to stay in tonight. This is my life as a single person - all of my friends are coupled up and seem to have forgotten what it's like to not have a default person to attend events with.
I'm not an extrovert so going somewhere by myself where I don't know a soul is a huge challenge for me. Plus most people who are there are probably going to be much younger than me. Oh well. I'll go and have a drink or two and have as much fun as I can. Maybe I'll find someone to chat with. The songs tend to be on the sad side so I'm going to try not to burst into tears because then I'll be the lady all by myself who is also crying, and that won't be good
My challenge for tonight is making eye contact and smiling at other people. I can be pretty shy (H is a big extrovert and I'm much more reserved) so this will be a stretch for me.
Most of all, I like this artist and I want to see her so I'm going to go!
What do I do if H shows up? I don't think he will but there's a small chance he will.
