MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[25yearsmlc]

Ugh, I said I would try to keep this as short as possible but failed miserably! I just wanted to include as much about the picture as I could. I'm sure there are still more things I could add. Feel free to ask and feel free to hit me with any hard truths you see. I think it's a MLC, but maybe I'm just hoping that it is because then there would be a chance he would wake up and come back to us. This is a person who shares all of my interests and hobbies, a person I share intellectual conversations with. We can communicate our thoughts without even speaking. I never ever thought we would be apart. I still wake up thinking it's a bad dream because it's so unbelievable. Our families are beside themselves because it happened so out of the blue



Karen, I'm so sorry you are here, but this is a great place to be, for this situation.

I'll post more later and in detail.

For now, I would not get bogged down in the term "MLC" at all. It's useless and here is why-


1) your course of action is the same, no matter what it is.

2) in my opinion, the idea that MLCers' come back more often--I'm not sure that's even true.

I think what people mean when they use the term is that their spouses are SUDDENLY RADICALLY different and therefore, they'll snap out of it,

and it's usually triggered by an event.

But what is really the alternative label when a spouse wants out? Any Walk Away Spouse who truly surprises their LBS could easily be seen as an MLCer.

But what's the difference?

Maybe the fear is that they simply want out and then leave us,

A) we deserve it, and B) they won't return.

Whereas if it's all an MLC

then we can shift blame to them AND retain hope.

You seem to be owning your issues and that's a HUGE, HEALTHY step.

If that^^ is true, then your remaining options are about making yourself grow from this and eventually, to be at peace.

Detachment is key to your happy wellness, and GAL is key to Detachment. Plus GAL plugs some of the holes in our lives created by missing the spouse. When you fill whatever spare time you have with new people and GAL, it simply helps.

It can be super hard, but it isn't really complicated.

As to your h and OW... IF they end up together and go so far as to remarry, under these circumstances, 2nd m's that start with affairs, tend to fail. This is not something for you to say. The more people challenge their relationship the more he'll feel forced to defend it. Yes it tends to push them together. And challenging his choices also tends to make him defend those choices more.

You can say something like "I don't recall our m that way, but I'm sorry you were hurt (unless you know you did do something hurtful, in which case a short apology can't hurt).

Another line is "H, if I had it all to do again, there are lots of things I'd do differently" and then drop it.

That^^ shows your ability to change, but it doesn't make you a doormat. And when you hear extensive marital revisions, it's fine to say you don't recall it the same way.

Nothing he does now, negates the love and good memories you have. Though at the moment you might find that happy memories that used to give you joy, now feel painful. I get that. But it gets better.

BTW, I've had 2 family members remarry their former spouses and yes, the 2nd time around was better. I've heard it happens from 6% -15% of former marriages, depending on the source.

IN my cousin's cases a lot of counseling happened for their reconciliation.


So, Instead of labeling his behavior, learn to focus solely on what you can control.
Protect yourself and your d's financially.

Life will teach your h the consequences of his choices. Life will teach him the hard lessons. You don't have to worry about this, at all. IT's a waste of your time and energy. Don't take on the burden of HIS problems.

Spend all of that energy on you, and being present for your daughters. They need you more now, than ever.

They are watching you to see what women of strength and dignity do, when faced with heartbreak...

Indeed, let this painful ordeal at least give you your "money's worth".

Pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth. Or bitterness.

I can already tell you're making the healthier, happier choice.

Hang in there.

I have a feeling Your story is over.