On behalf of my roomies, I'm checking in. But briefly, because I am swamped here at work and am the only person in the office today.
CB--I'm still laughing at your clue. Thank goodness I remember some basic Italian--did I tell you I had 2 years of it in college? I'll check in with you over at your place.
Briget--I'll pass a plate of cookies and a cup of coffee your way. After all, doesn't Monica do that sort of thing? The only problem here in our 'hood is that Meredith and I are both shoo-in's for Monica. Pam is much more Rachel. I suppose I could attempt to be Phoebe if Meredith really wants me to--it's a stretch, but I might be able to brush up on my acting skills. Anyway, I'm glad to see that your spirits have improved from earlier this week.
Seattle and PIB--Big hugs to you both. After reading Wild at Heart, I'm holding on to the letter. Not because I don't think I should (quite the contrary) but because I plan on discussing this with him after MC session tonight.
The message of the book was startingly clear and it was like receiving a bolt of awareness from above. The gist of the book is that society emasculates men in many ways. The first arrow to a man's heart is thrown by his own father. And if the mother has not figured this out, contributes to further emasculation. Mr. Wonderful could be the poster boy for this book's examples.
I'm not going to enumerate the myriad bullet points of evidence to support this theory, but the topic of emasculation has come up in every round of counseling since we have been engaged.
The author also goes on to say that men need something to fight for. And that a man never goes to a woman for strength, but to offer it.
I realize that Mr. Wonderful has NEVER fought for me: he's thrown me into situations where I've had to be the strong one and pick a course for myself (and consequently him and our family). And then he's felt low and resentful of me. So while I got stronger, he kept walking away from the fight--letting me fend for myself while he walked away with his tail between his legs and his masculinity questioned.
No wonder I have felt so unworthy and unloved.
This set up has been terrifying for me and ever present. And I realize that it's STILL the case. He's waiting for me to step up to the plate and make a decision so we can continue this same dance. And I'm not going to allow that to happen.
MC told me last August that in order for Mr. W. to get off the fence, he was going to have to push some buttons and make him angry. At that time, we were both scared he would get pissed off enough to quit MC altogether. Well, he did without confrontation, so what do we have to lose?
To summarize: HE must be the one to make a choice. Either way will require a fight for him. Either way will help him come to terms with his masculinity issue. He will have to fight feelings of worthlessness, failure and disappointment if he chooses to divorce me. If he fights for me, he will have to work very hard at pulling himself back together again.
Frankly, I feel at this point as though the former is the best resolution for me. I'm tired of being thrown into circumstances where I keep having to learn strength. The stronger I become, the weaker he gets. And guess what? Either choice he makes will result in me getting stronger.
The question is: will he resent me for it anyway?
I know that he will phone me tonight after the C session and ask me about it. I'm going to let him know that the purpose of going back is not to save the M but for C to counsel me as he guides Mr. Wonderful to making a decision.
Since I'm going to have to be the one to goad him, I'm assuming the role of William Wallace (one of my beloved Scottish idols) and go pick a fight. Either way, I win.
Going to step off the podium, and get back to work. I might not be back on until next week sometime. Cuz I'm heading to Seattle tomorrow to see a few of my favorite BB friends.
TTFN,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
