Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Hello everyone! I feel so humbled by all your kind words, I can feel the tears bubbling up whilst typing this. I feel so blessed to 'know' such kind and caring people that I wish I knew in RL.

I felt a little bit better this evening. Myself and D took some food around to one of my older a Sisters, who has four year old twins, as her husband has been away for a week. It was a lovely evening and we didn't talk about H at all which really helped to take my mind off things.

Helies, your right I often fire off a text because I convince myself it's the right thing to do and then I realise afterwards that it was foolish. Thank you for the meditation recommendation I'll certainly look into that.

Sotto, I think the reason why I am so annoyed with myself is because I know the begging, pleading and crying doesn't work so why on earth did I go there! I just feel so disappointed. I also had a really good think about what you said about H not wanting to be in a 'husbandly' relationship right now and that certainly jolted me into reality. He doesn't want me as his wife at the moment and I keep trying to remind him that that's what I am, no wonder he wants to run a mile!

Pinn, great to hear from you. Yes, I think as much as I desperately want to contact him I don't think there will be any point. I will just look weak and very desperate! I think this will be a 180 for me as I think he will expect me to text him soon as that is what I have always done.

Ciluzen, I'm sorry that you have also had similar experiences with your H. I must say that H is generally not an angry person unless pushed to the edge, however now he just flies off the handle very easily. D said that once when she was out with him he tried to buy a parking ticket but the machine wasn't working. When the guy came over to fix the machine she said H just verbally laid into this poor guy and she was shocked! We have never experienced H behave in that way for something so trivial. Yes I do need to start holding my head up high. I know I'm a good mother, daughter, sister and friend. I've got a lot going for me!

(((AP))), hugs right back at ya! Thank you for the visit.... :0)

Blu, hugs to you too! I've always been so critical of myself it's something I am trying to stop doing but it's ingrained in me so it's very hard to stop. Sometimes I can spend days worrying about whether I said or did something wrong even though I dont have any evidence to suggest there was an issue in the first place. I think that was something that my H didn't like about me, that I worried all the time.

I kept thinking that if we had him over for dinner I could keep the connection going and he might start to feel more comfortable. He is comfortable but only in so far as he gets to have family time and then go back to acting single again. Your right having these family dinners was so exhausting because like you say I had to be on my best behaviour and I couldn't be myself. He's just not the man I used to know. The softness he once had is now scratchy and cold and all this time I was trying to attract someone who at the moment really isn't capable of having any emotions.

I know you have said it to me so many times Blu, he left me and D without any reason other than he needs to be alone. Well he will get what he has asked for and he will not have family time again unless he can commit 100% back to the marriage I deserve so much more than what he is willing to give.

Job, I do feel foolish and guilty for my behaviour because I know those things don't work and just makes things worse. Unfortunately the feelings I had that evening were just so intense and so overwhelming I couldn't hold them back. I felt like I was on a steam train heading for the canyon and I had no breaks! I really do need to start listening to all of you on here and stop gong down those cheeseless tunnels. I do believe that he is in some sort of crisis because he just isn't the same person I knew a year ago. I need to stop doing and saying things that may have worked on him before but now he just isn't the same.

These last few days, even though I feel so sad, I have been trying to pick myself up, dust myself down and try and carry on as best as I can. As you say, he hasn't finished baking so whatever i do isn't going to have the desired effect so I might as well keep my distance and go dark.

LouR, meltdown is definitely the word! It's amazing how at the time it all seems so logical. If I cry and beg then surely he might have second thoughts about what he has done and come home! Nope. I just look ridiculous! You are right though, I need to accept that it has happend. I can't turn back the clock but what it did show me is that what I was doing with having him home for dinner wasn't working for me or D for that matter.

Peace, it's so hard and exhausting to be happy and cheery all the time when all I wanted to do was scream and shout at him to pull himself together and come home! When every bone in my body aches to be a normal, happily married couple again. I do wonder what he was thinking when he was coming over. Did he just see it as a meal ticket twice a week or just something to do? Surely he must have realised that I wasn't just doing it out of the goodness of my heart! Or was it just guilt that made home come over? IDK.

I won't initiate contact with him anymore. I'm not so sure he will rush to contact me though. I think he will avoid me like the plague from now on. When I went dark for seven weeks he made no attempt to contact me so I have zero expectations. I do feel really sad about it but I guess it's better than all the spinning I was doing every week before he came over and after he left. That's no life for anyone to have to live.

I do need to remind myself that I am very lucky. I have a wonderful family, supportive friends and a fabulous D who just keeps me going. He is missing out on so much with her it's such a shame but his loss.

Thank you all so much for making me see that I am human and I'm allowed to make mistakes and that what we are doing by standing for our marriage is not for the feint hearted. For now I'm picking myself up off the floor and vow to stop beating myself up about stuff!

Hugs to to you (((All)))