By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Hello. Bttrfly, Lou, Job, Sotto, big hugs and thank you. You all have given me some great advice, I knew I could count on you for that. I truly appreciate all of the thoughts and opinions.

Bttrfly, I want to answer your questions as I have given them a lot of thought. Yes, I do not think things will change with H. It's been 3 1/2 years, he is still stuck and has not done the work. He can not apologize or face what he has done, he continues to twist my words and actions into this all being my choice. He is a very manipulative passive aggressive man, and I don't see that changing. My feelings don't come from despair though, I would say they come from acceptance.

To answer the second question, I don't want to share my private life with him because I have no idea what he does in his spare time, he doesn't share a single thing with me. I don't see signs of OW these days, but in the beginning during his heavy replay, there were definite signs that H may have been spending some time with someone.

I know H is not himself, and there is no doubt he is going through something, and yes I love him and always will.....I just think it is time, like you said, to explore what life has to offer me. I feel guilty in feeling this way while still married, but again, he left me. H has never said he is trying, he says he doesn't know what the right thing is to do, that he is handling this best as he can, that he is confused and scared....

Lou said it well, this is just exploring, testing the waters. I wouldn't say I am happy or excited about meeting new people, I don't want to be here, I never wanted this. But, I have been feeling, on my nights alone, out with friends, I have been missing having a special someone to share those times with. Who knows, I may realize I am still not ready or comfortable. Right now, I just want to have conversation with someone I am attracted to and share interests with. Whether I am ready to go on an actual date with someone is still unknown.

So, I do not plan on bringing this up with H. For one, I do not want him to think this is just a tantrum, trying to get a reaction from him. For another, I don't want him to react by sucking me in with false promises, just so I can continue to stay put while he continues to do his own thing. I am not looking to hurt him or cause any further stress in his world, so I see no reason to say anything unless needed.

If a conversation comes up, I will let him know I am opening myself up to explore some new things. If he asks more questions, I will be honest. I will keep my values and won't lie or mislead him. In our last recent conversation, I did tell him we should either start talking some things out to help us decide what to do, or live separate lives. In fact, I have told him that several times. And he has always told me that he doesn't want to hold me back from moving on....

If I was to find out H was dating or had a special someone, of course it would hurt, but I would not be surprised. I also would never bring someone around S unless he was very very special, and not before I would let H know.

Thank you again for helping me work through this new little side stop on my path! All of your compliments and positive energy help me so much! I hope to meet some new friends and will keep you updated.

Still NC with H, but my life flows in a Zen like state. I am eating healthy and exercising, I feel great. I am taking better care of myself than I ever have. Work is good, most likely only 1 more month of unpaid random days off. My budgeting has kept everything in line, so I am enjoying these free days! I am a better momma than ever and S and I continue our journey into his pre teen self. It's crazy how quickly he is growing and I treasure all my time with him. Living in the moment and appreciating it has changed my life, I am a very happy M!

My girlfriend that works with H mentioned to me that there is talk around the company that H can not handle his job. Well, I have been asking myself how he is doing it from day 1, it sounds like it is catching up to him. This is a man who gets easily overwhelmed, can't handle people getting upset or showing angry emotions, has terrible communication skills, and he is managing 100 guys!?!? I guess the cracks are starting to show.

Another thing that I have been feeling lately that I will share about H: He is very good at twisting things to make it seem as if I am the one who wants things the way they are today. He has even gotten me second guessing myself a few times by twisting around my words. I am not sure if he is really believing it to justify his choices, or if it's all manipulative B.S. For example, saying I don't want to spend family time together, saying I said we can divorce, saying I don't think it would be a smart choice to live together....all taken out of context. This used to bother me so much. I would lose sleep thinking of how I can make my intentions clear, how I can do whatever possible to show him how much I want things to work out. I have stopped sweating it because everyone around me knows the truth, I know the truth, I am even confident that my S knows the truth. He can make me out to be the bad guy all he wants, but everyone who matters knows my true self and true intentions. That long time fear has diminished, which may be why I feel ready to explore.