I don't know if this will help or not. But I told my H from the beginning, that if you reach the point where you decide you want to file for divorce, have the decency to let me hear that from you and not from a process server who comes to the door that one of your children might answer. Perhaps if you get the service over, the dread can stop. You can call him on his bluff. In most jurisdictions you can agree to waive service (which saves the fee and gives more time to answer). Perhaps you could casually say I am getting the impression that you filed for divorce. While it is not my choice, I understand that is your right. Let me know if you would like me to accept service (talk to your lawyer first of course).
I just don't like the idea of you sitting in dread with some Damoclean sword hanging over your head. When service happens is really irrelevant in a legal proceeding and perhaps you broaching the topic will make it more real to him. As countless have said here, D is not necessarily the end. Dread is often worse than the event it fears.
Remember that a piece of paper, whether the complaint or the final decree, is just that. Feelings, emotions, reality, are quite something else altogether.
