(((Coly))) I just wrote you this long response and lost it! Gaahhh, I hate it when that happens! So I'll try again for a shorter version. First of all, giant hugs!!! It will be ok, I promise! Second, how can we get you to stop being so hard on yourself! My dear, please, please understand that your suffering is coming from inside you! You are sooo hard on yourself!

You haven't done anything wrong--ok, so you slipped up and told him how you feel. That's OK! I'm actually glad it happened. You are doing the impossible. He picked up and left you and D, broke your heart, gave you ZERO explanation, and now you have to have these dinners and be on perfect behavior. Have you really thought about what you are asking of yourself? Whoa! And FWIW I could never handle any of this.

I cracked all the time. I blew up at H 100 times. Once I texted him out of the blue "I hate you." Another time I chased him to the car, grabbed his backpack, and blocked him from leaving. Tuesdays were for "I love you, I'm your wife, how could you?" And Thursdays were more "I wish I never met you, you disgust me, never come back." Lol. So I'm exaggerating. A little bit. But you know what Coly Girl? He still came back. Not because of what I did or didn't do, but because he figured out over time in his own way what he wanted in life! Your H will too. But I care far more about what it is that YOU want. I don't think you want this.

I have no idea what your H will do. But I do know that it will not be because you got upset one evening. It's okay to lose your cool. I don't like the way he has treated you, the way he comes and goes, and I see that this sitch has really been hurting you. You're not honoring your feelings right now and I think its time to start doing that! Can you try something new now?

How about you do nothing to have an affect on him? Go dark, stay away, do not initiate any contact and do not apologize! You are only human. He doesn't deserve to see your vulnerability because he is not safe for you.

So please don't beat yourself up any more. Do the opposite; become the strong, independent, confident Coly that only a fool would leave! If he wants any kind of R with you moving forward, then it's time they are under your terms. No more awkward, superficial dinners. If he needs to man up and explain his position before spending time with you---if thats what you need--then by all means do what works for you. You deserve so much more than he can give right now.

So don't dwell on the past. It happened, and now you know this isn't working, and you do something different. You can do this!!!

XOXO
Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela