Now that I've been able to eat some dinner and digest the comments, I'm wanting to tell you all that I'm willing to CONSIDER anything anyone wishes to say--bad or good.
For those of you who have been posting with me and to me for the duration, you will understand that when I say I'm fish sober and a recovering crazymaker who is actively conscious of remaining sober, I haven't said or done anything rash or impulsive in more than 9 months.
I'm REALLY proud of my accomplishments on those fronts.
Let me segue for a minute before I jump back into the pool. I had the opportunity to listen to D10 on our way to church this afternoon. She has a real beef with her choir instructor, and I would have validated her even if I didn't agree with her position. It's great experience for me to do that. But I DID agree with her.
We were discussing an issue she has with another person in choir and how her instructor chose to deal with the problem (an unclassy and tacky way, for sure). She finally looked at me and said, "Mom, I really wish you were there so you could understand. It's so hard to love someone when they don't love or like you back--or worse, if they choose not to even pretend you exist."
How could she have possibly verbalized my sentiment any better than she did?
I'm not indifferent to Mr. Wonderful and his feelings. Far from it. I don't love the man he has become, but with a lot of work and reason to do so, I would attempt it without any reservation. I'm not afraid of hard work. (And his typical M.O. is that he's not either.) I loved the man he was--the memory of a love that has kept me on this path for so long.
However, I AM indifferent to his choice to either include me in his future or not.
Over the years, it has been pointed out to me over and over again that I appear to be strong and okay with things when I am, in fact, not. Giving him the appearance that I was tough enough to continue in limbo was something friends here addressed with me earlier this year. I led him to believe I was happy with our path, when clearly I was unhappy.
Back when he moved into his 2 bedroom apartment (in January, shortly after the anniversary of his bomb), I had the "come to Jesus" phone convo with him. I let him know how fatigued I was by continuing to be the strong one. I let him know that I really wanted him to come back and be my husband and lover and to assume responsibility for raising our daughters.
He was very kind during that convo (he sent me flowers afterward, if any of you remember) and told me he was sorry for deliberately neglecting my feelings about things for so long. And he promised to begin asking himself the tough questions.
He even wrote to my parents and said he owed them and me a decision.
Well, if he posted here, I can attest to the fact that he would have plenty of posters who were willing to ask them!
After the meeting with the investigator in early March, I decided to institute Step 5 with him: asking for what I want. I was not asking for him to move home OR for a divorce. I was asking for a commitment to work on a reconciliation.
Again, he apologized for deliberately holding me hostage because he had once again put our marriage on the back burner--for future consideration.
I've asked for what I want, very specifically, twice this year. If he doesn't want to give it to me, for whatever reason, THAT is what I want to hear.
I want to know whether he is committed to reconciliation or to a divorce. He needs to be committed to something.
When I discuss choices with my D10, I take great caution in making sure that she seriously considers all the ramifications before choosing: that is, there are always consequences for the choices we make.
I enter this next chapter willingly and with my eyes wide open. I understand the risks that I am taking by putting everything out there for him to read. There is a chance that he will not give me what I really want (to commit to reconciling), but I am ready for whatever choice he feels is best for him.
Ultimately, that choice is what is best for me too. All he needs to do is make it.
If living a life without me as his wife is what he wants and needs, I will not fight him on it. If he's just plain scared of failure, well, what I plan on doing is encouraging him to contact our MC and see if he can't get the help he needs. And if he wants to commit, I really need to hear the words... now.
I have been mulling these words over for a few days now. I will wait a few more to make a decision on when to give it to him. I ALWAYS invoke the Underdog overnight rule--you guys know this.
I am not giving up on the DB process. In fact, I think I have done a decent job following the rules for over a year now. Sure, I've been in a few scrapes since then, but I consider them learning opportunities. I learned what works and what does not.
What HAS worked is my patience and flexibility. He's hinted at noticing that he's been able to exercise a whole lot more control without fear of reprisal a few times. I've Bob Barkered myself into developing a friendship with him.
He phones me at least once a day and sometimes it's just to say hi. My WAH DOES consider me a friend. But it's time for him to consider if I will be more than that or the same (because he will always be a friend by virtue of the fact that he is the father to my adorable girls).
I want what he promised me: a commitment to be here for me in sickness and health, for better or for worse, until death do us part. If he needs to break the vows he gave me, I will let him do it in peace. If he wants to continue to honor them and put forth effort into mending the hurts that are still between us, I'm obedient to God and will honor the vows I gave both of them on my wedding day.
I need to know his intentions. Otherwise, it's time to put the past to rest and to begin a new chapter for myself and by myself. A chapter that frees my mind of the clutter of the past--free of regrets, recriminations and remorse--for the promise of a future of health, happiness and spiritual fulfillment.
I'm sorry if I got carried away earlier. It was not my intention to start swinging 2x4's, hoping to hit those who do not support my decision. However, as any of our spouses will attest: I would certainly LIKE validation.
I've been actively working the DB program for over a year now. I was in IC for 10 months (before, during and after the bomb) and then in MC for 5 months with him. I've also had the wonderful opportunity to work with Laurie, the great DB coach.
I've given this process as much energy and devotion as I possibly can. It's now time to lay down the sword--since I no longer live by the sword, I don't want to die by it either.
I want words and actions from my husband. It's time to ask him for them once again. If he chooses not to give them to me, I can respect his choice. In the end, I have to look myself in the mirror every morning. I'm the one person who has to feel respect for the face that stares back at me.
I matter. I really do. And it's time I stood up for myself.
Hugs to all.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
