Here's my theory. There are two kinds of people. People who get their happiness from giving, and people who get their happiness from getting. Your the former; and your wife is the latter.
Simplistic, but I wonder if it's true. It seems to me that in long-term marriages, only the givers will survive and be content,.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Probably a lot of truth in that. The problem is when they change over time. I wouldn't have married her then had she been as she is now. That obviously holds true for her as to me, too. How do you know when you jump (back) in?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Here's my theory. There are two kinds of people. People who get their happiness from giving, and people who get their happiness from getting. Your the former; and your wife is the latter.
Simplistic, but I wonder if it's true. It seems to me that in long-term marriages, only the givers will survive and be content,.
I don't disagree with the generalization about givers and takers. Fact is that some of us are the "Relationship nurturers" or gardeners tending to the garden, and the partner is more about the external work or achievement, etc. OR oblivious
Still, I also think we evolve and change in time (or we can). So I hesitate to characterize all of us in 1 of two groups.
(Besides, I don't want to be stuck in the Giver's side if it means never "Getting"!)
And yes, I also think those of us who give love freely and feel it deeply, are actually happier in the end, than those who are waiting to feel it.
Even though people have different love languages (and it's vital that we learn our partner's LL)
it's tragic to see people turn away from the love their spouses are giving them
b/c it's not arriving in the correct lane...such a shame.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Probably a lot of truth in that. The problem is when they change over time. I wouldn't have married her then had she been as she is now. That obviously holds true for her as to me, too. How do you know when you jump (back) in?
I know this feeling JR. Looking at my W now I'm actually repulsed at times by who she is currently. Not a great feeling.
I hope you are doing well my friend. You deserve some happiness after the long road you've been down. No doubt that you'll find it now brother!
Keep being strong for you and the kids!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
STBX is taking the kids out of town starting today until Sunday. I'm heading to the Big City to hang out with my friend of more than 40 years. Should be excellent GAL opportunities available.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Looking at my W now I'm actually repulsed at times by who she is currently
I can relate. I've put a lot of thought into this very thing. However, the thing is, we aren't the same people we were five, 10, etc., years ago. Not at all. Sure, fundamentally, but we change/grow/regress over time...even our wives. I can't remember the person I was back then, can you? Our wives evolved into who they are and its part of their makeup/code. It is who they are now.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I tossed out the giver vs. taker theory out there to provoke some thought, knowing that it's not that simple, nor so black & white. In fact, whenever I look back at my own marriage, esp. reading old emails between me and my ex, I remember that she got a lot of giving to our marriage. So I see it as shades of gray, where people are spread out over a spectrum, with some people on far ends (co-dependents vs. narcissist), but with most people in the middle. And it's only one dimension among many dimensions that exist in personalities and marriages. But I do think it's important to think about. I think so much good and happiness comes from loving, rather than being loved, and I think many spouses who choose to leave a marriage do so because, somehow, loving you just doesn't fill their heart enough.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I wonder how many people go into a marriage not fully invested. Also, I see a lot of failures that can be attributed to the way today's society is - you know, take the easy way out...everybody gets a trophy mentality. A weak generation makes weak times.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
...and I think many spouses who choose to leave a marriage do so because, somehow, loving you just doesn't fill their heart enough.
Or possibly they're lecherous petulant scum sucking pigs belching the contents of their acrid pus filled intestines all over their loved ones lives in a draconian demonstration of the depths of a complete lack of human caring and compassion.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
