In my experience these folks can't handle any kind of criticism and any statement that couples her actions with your response is more likely to be viewed in that way. I think you are being assertive in telling her I've moved back into the MBR. I hope you join me there. I think you are telling her through your actions that your boundary is that you are not giving up your space and are not committing to her plan. I think they understand actions better than words anyway. In my case I've heard a lot of words that never equated with the corresponding action.
I was told earlier today that my bitterness comes across in my post. I can see that. I think anger comes across in yours. My guess would be that if you want to save the marriage, the anger needs to go somewhere else. Assertiveness is an attractive quality, anger is not.
I have been trying to read my H's mind for a long time now, probably years. I can read into anything. I went back and read some posts by BluWave about talking to her H after he came back and being so sure she knew what he was thinking when she had later confirmation that she was completely off base. I think we cling to mind reading because we want control. We want to know what is happening next. If you were raised in a household where you were hypervigilant, as I was, control becomes a means to survival. If I can see the next attack, I can avoid it better. While that may be great for survival in the wild (to have an overactive amygdala churning out flight or fight response), it likely causes great trouble in relationships.
I've done some reading by Pema Chodron, the American Buddhist, who says that it is only when you have lost everything, where you have nothing left, that you are completely free. This is how I am choosing now to view this crazy need for control I have. I want to be a free floating entity who makes the best decision she can in the moment, without thinking she is smarter than everyone else or needing to protect herself by fancying that she knows what will come at her next. I see some of that in your post where you are so confident you know what is coming. Maybe you do or maybe you are dead wrong.
What do you want for you and your kids. They say it here over and over again. I've seen it so many places and now I get it. Be the kind of guy that any woman would want to be married to. He isn't angry, he isn't smug, he doesn't need to control, and he accepts that we are all fallible creatures who carry a lot of baggage and sometimes just need to be able to massively screw up and be forgiven for it.
I wish I had done things differently when my H was in the house. You still have that chance.
