Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

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Not sure where I am so no title!


Thought it was time for a quick update. I wrote a long one yesterday morning but lost it and couldn't face typing it out again!

So after all my spinning last week H came over on Friday for dinner and. movie. He knew D was going out and that she xpwoukdnr be there when he turned up. He bought wine and pudding.

The evening was as good as it gets but a big awkward at times. It's hard to relax around someone when there is an underlying tone of restraint to make sure there is no sign of any hope. When H was going he gave me a kiss and a hug and that is when if all went down hill. All the spinning I was doing the previous few days spun out if control and I sobbed my heart out whilst clinging to him. I just couldn't let go.

I asked him to come home an he said no. I said it felt like BD all over again ever time he came to leave and he cried. I begged him to tell me what had gone wrong to make him fall out of live and he woukdnt engage. I said I was just at that point that I needed to know what I can do to improve who I am, if not not for the marriage but myself and again he was silent. I asked him if it was still the case that he never loved me and him not feeling 'that way' about me anymore and saying he didn't think he ever did and he doesn't remember saying any of those things. In the end he stormed out of the house and I said i couldn't do this anymore. Afterwards I was so distraught I called him a couple of times but he wouldn't pick up so I left a whiny, sobbing message about how I thought he was a coward for refusing to talk to me.

I am so ashamed that I fell apart in that way. The thought of going through weeks and months of this just sent me over the edge. I think I may have blown my chances. D has said she doesn't want him to come over anymore as it is not good for me. She also selfishly feels he is getting in the way of her social life! H stopped texting D as much when he started coming over but low and behold Monday she gets a text asking how her weekend was and if she wanted any help getting me a Mothers Day present but she hasn't responded as yet. I'm scared that he might have been making baby steps and I've blown it.

This week I have felt sad and have cried a bit but I haven't been spinning as much which is a relief after feeling so out of control all these weeks. I know I didn't do very well but where do I go from here? Should I apologise to him for making such a scene or as my title says leave if up to God and just wait for him to make first contact? I'm such an idiot!