I read through your thread and am thinking about what I can add. I like the advice from 25. When I started reading here several years ago, I found her posts and advice to be invaluable!
I have noticed a clear distancer-pursuer dynamic in your sitch. Perhaps read up on that more. I think our goal as a LBS is to slide out of the pursuer spot and into being pursued. It seems that as you step back and give him space, he comes to you. It is working. I think we know reconciliation is near completion when we lose the dynamic entirely and just become comfortable.
If you can manage to memorize Sandi's rules and follow them, that is key. I struggled with them a lot. That is one of the reasons i started posting, because I can see how much I failed and shot myself in the foot when I didn't follow them!. When I was able to DB and follow the rules, I got results. I think if I could have executed Sandi's rules at the time of BD, I dont actually think my H would have left. I was a roaring lion and he kept hiding deeper and deeper in his mouse hole!
I tend to think that in all our our sitches, less is more. Less interactions, less talking, and more space and just listening. This gives H a chance to think and self reflect. The WAS is looking for reasons to justify their behavior (leaving) and so if we don't give them any more,, they are forced to look at themselves and own their choices. So when you meet with him, think of it as a time to listen, not talk or explain yourself.
If he is asking you questions, it's okay to tell him you need time to think. This serves two purposes--you can take time to think without reacting, AND he realizes you are not just sitting and waiting for him. There are some great threads on validation, so maybe read those over a few times. They are good communication tools for us all.
Try and keep in mind how long this all can take and what a bumpy road this is. We often want to measure results in a few interactions, days, or weeks, however that is seldom the case. It can take years for an M and communication to break down, and it can take more months or even years to get results. Patience is everything and it is wonderful to learn and take into all areas of our lives.
Also, I couldn't help but notice in your write-up that you described your M as a fairytale. Did you have H on a pedestal? Were there things you overlooked in your M that you can see now were not perfect? Could any of this led to the problems? I think when we have too high expectations of our S, they feel they can't live up to our standards and end up self sabotaging (i.e. having As or running). That was def the case in my M!
This meeting is a great opportunity to not only listen to H, but to show him (with actions over words) your changes. If he sees your 180s, and sees a woman that is listening, but is strong and self-assured, he will be reminded of what he is walking away from. Show him what he stands to lose and hold your head up high.
As much as it hurts to learn of infidelity, I don't imagine it will be fruitful to discuss that now. He is already feeling guilty, but it doesn't mean he is ready to show you remorse. Sometimes people feel so much guilt, that they seek out any reasons they can to justify it because it's too painful to own. As much as the lack of remorse hurts now, I believe it will come in time if he wants the M to work. First he needs to feel safe coming to you, however he simultaneously needs to see what he stands to lose.
Not an easy position to be in, but you seem like a strong lady! Hope that helps a little bit.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
