Hi leah, thank you for the complements. I don't feel like I've been handling things so well lately, I guess it's always easier to see other people's sitches more clearly than our own. I would be happy to read your posts.

25, I live so far from Philly, I'm in SF Bay Area, but that EE does sounds great. Would it be worth booking a trip that far just to participate? I have looked into Retrovaille, and there are some in my area. It's just hard because they emphasize the importance of followup appts and I work a lot of weekends. It appears they are mostly offered on the weekends. That and I am not Catholic. In fact my H has some issues from being raised by a strict Catholic mother (guilt issues and Nice Guy baggage). So I do wonder how that program would work.

Lately I've been thinking about how easily I lose motivation and why that might be. Things will be moving along and getting more comfortable and it only takes a small argument or trigger and I find myself withdrawing. It's not even intentional, it just happens. The triggers don't get me or throw me off. I notice them, I acknowledge them, and I carry on. Even 6 mos - 1 year ago they would still cut deep, bring me to tears, or throw off my mood. Now I just feel an emptiness or numbness after them.

So when things come up, I withdraw. When I think about it, it goes back to the A and that I don't want a H that did this. I don't want it in my history and am hard on myself that I haven't accepted it by now. Well, actually I am harder on him. We got in a big talk recently and I keep going there. All the things I loved so much about this man, those feelings of love and attraction, are not there anymore. I don't know if they ever will be. I tell him how I feel and I know it hurts him, pushes him away, and makes him feel guilty. It's the truth tho. I don't want to punish him, I just resent what he did and took away. Even when things were hard, I so loved and adored this man.

25, I am still hoping you will update your sitch soon. I can't I help but wonder how many Ms can recover from this level of betrayal and devastation.

H told me while he was gone that he didn't think I could ever see past this, that he thought he ruined everything, and that I could never forgive him. When I think about all the times he said that, it reminds me that when he made the choice to leave, he did so knowing (thinking) he would never get me back. And he still left. I think in some ways he ended it a long time ago and that I just am waiting to fully accept it.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela