WW with affair moved out 4+ weeks ago

[Dawgs]

Quit trying to justify your own guilt and actions by hoping our friends are supporting me.

Its a mix of that and seeing if you are on board with things.

[Bdog37]

Its just amazing how they all follow the same script.

I got a "I do care about you even though I chose to leave" from her.

I pretty much heard the same line word for word. Seems like most of the post I read they might as well be writing about my sitch.

After wanting to be friends and telling me how sorry she was...my W then turned. Everything is now my fault, including her A with OM1, so hopefully your W doesn't.

I won't respond to this email either. I am hurting but not as bad as she thinks. I have ALL of her stuff packed up. Her friends want to deliver it as they want to talk with her. Fine by me. As much as I want to see her I would rather her friends deliver her stuff.

I would let her friends deliver her stuff. No need for you to see her. I tell my W to send the kids out while picking them up because I have no desire to see mine. I also do not respond to mine right away as well. In her eyes you are no longer her husband so you do not have to be at her "beck and call" anymore. Ignore it and if she says anything just politely tell her sorry and that you were busy.

[Dawgs]

In her eyes you are no longer her husband so you do not have to be at her "beck and call" anymore.

My ex still tries to do this...

[15Stang]

Fun times!!!

So we go from the email I received this morning to another email about wanting half of our tax return which I filed months ago. I won't respond but if you want money talk to your lawyer. I then get a 3rd email to my work email wanting to know if I am receiving her emails. Lol!! This is the most communication I have received since she left. Oh well. I won't be responding to any emails. I keep telling myself that this is what she wanted. Me out of her life. Since it seems she still wants me out I will gladly stay out.

[Bdog37]

Hey 15Stang,

Not sure how it works were you live, but you might want to consult legal advice in regards to your tax return as I am sure she is entitled to half depending on how you filed.

I won't be responding to any emails. I keep telling myself that this is what she wanted. Me out of her life. Since it seems she still wants me out I will gladly stay out.

Good for you! Next time you do speak with her just be polite and let her know that you have been busy. Set boundaries for yourself and keep all communication short. There is no need to be rude, but always be the one to end the conversation.

[Dawgs]

So we go from the email I received this morning to another email about wanting half of our tax return which I filed months ago. I won't respond but if you want money talk to your lawyer. I then get a 3rd email to my work email wanting to know if I am receiving her emails. Lol!! This is the most communication I have received since she left. Oh well. I won't be responding to any emails. I keep telling myself that this is what she wanted. Me out of her life. Since it seems she still wants me out I will gladly stay out

If you were married during the time of the tax year, then she is entitled to half...

[15Stang]

I let my lawyer know about her request. They can handle it. IMHO the whole half thing is pure entitlement as she only paid 33% of the taxes. It is truly disheartening to see the person she is becoming. Or worse.... maybe this is her true identity which has been concealed for quite some time. I still think the affair is messing with head and she is thinking only with emotions but it doesn't matter as this is the current reality. It is sad to see someone walk a path to destruction and hurt so many people in the process.

[Bdog37]

It is truly disheartening to see the person she is becoming. Or worse.... maybe this is her true identity which has been concealed for quite some time.

IMO this is who my W is. The self-centered person that she has become has no room for me and so the person she is now has made it easier for me to detach. I no longer love this person and no longer miss her either. Unfortunately, I now look at her like a stranger and she isn't a woman that I would want to be with. I am much better than that and deserve much more. I wouldn't want a woman who cheats and has no respect for me anyway.

[Dawgs]

IMHO the whole half thing is pure entitlement as she only paid 33% of the taxes

Yep. But marital property, you know...

It is truly disheartening to see the person she is becoming. Or worse.... maybe this is her true identity which has been concealed for quite some time.

Its probably a mix of both. We mustn't forget that we, as people, change over time. Our values, views, etc., change as we grow. And so did hers. She isn't the same as when you dated or married, nor should you expect her to be. The person you love is the memory of what once was, not what is.

I still think the affair is messing with head and she is thinking only with emotions but it doesn't matter as this is the current reality. It is

Probably not. Maybe getting caught is, but not the affair itself. See, we try to see their line of thinking through our eyes and experiences. What makes sense to us is because of our views.

[15Stang]

Hi all,
Thought I'd post an update. I received the "market analysis" from opposing counsel. It is about $10,000 higher than I think it should be. I'll be having an actual appraisal done on the house which my L will use for our offer. Other than that there isn't much to update.

I haven't had any communication with my W since the 3 emails she sent last week. I did drop off all of her stuff to her friends. They have been wanting to meet with her ever since she left. I believe they were going to surprise her sometime this week. The goal was to hopefully talk about things before handing over her items she requested. There is nothing left in the house that could be considered 'hers'. I packed up everything I could find that I thought would be her personal items. I moved her up from the city she was living in so I have a pretty good idea of all of the things she had before we were married. There are some items in the house that I would consider both of ours. I did pack some of these items if I didn't want them. It was about 12 decent size boxes of stuff. I also packed up all of our photos, wedding pics, etc and I will be delivering these to a friend of mine for safe keeping. Sometimes it is tempting to visit memory lane. I'm not ready to throw it all away just yet. Having it out of the house does help and if we ever do reconcile I will still have pictures of the good times we had.

Unfortunately I think this whole ordeal is going to be quite a long process. If I'm being honest I'm pretty frustrated and angry about the whole thing. I'm been meeting with an IC and we have been discussing our marriage and what I can do to be a better man eventually a better husband (regardless of reconciliation or new relationship). It is hard for me to see our marriage as being so difficult. My wife and I truly had a lot of good times. The last 3-4 years have been difficult but IMHO this is because of the affair. It doesn't seem right for me to accept responsibility for her affair and no one is asking me to expect for my W.

I have grown a lot in the last 3 years. I'm proud of the man I've become. I'm thankful I was able to be the kind of husband to my wife for the last three years that I would admire. This isn't to say I was perfect, nobody is perfect. I did see a lot of success with the way W and I communicated, handled our finances, and resolved conflict. We became closer, paid off over $28,000 of stupid debt together, stopped fighting about money as we stuck to our budget (still had disagreements but it was about 90% better than our first 7 years of our marriage) and worked more like a team. I truly felt like we were going to survive and thrive after her affair. Things were going really well for 2015 and most of 2016. Unfortunately I do not know if the affair ever died. My guess is that it was put on the back burner for some time but it was never killed off in her heart. At this point in time it really doesn't matter. I can't go change the past. My view of the past does make my current reality more difficult to accept. But the past doesn't change the current reality.

I'm working on GAL but I sometimes struggle. Part of the reason is I like the life I have (even without W). Before BD I was working towards leading worship at Church again. In fact the day I was sending out song and practice info to all of the team members was BD day. Fast forward to today and I've been back to leading and playing music which I love. I'm looking forward to spring and to be out side and see what birds build nests in our bird houses. I enjoy taking the sport car out for trips and errands. Some of these activities are bittersweet as they were activities both W and I enjoyed (birds, car, landscaping, etc). That being said these activities are part of what I enjoy. I did go out to a gun range a few weeks ago and fired a 9mm. This is the first time I've ever done this. So that is something new. I built a guitar last summer and I'll probably build another one this summer as well. I truly enjoy wood working. Once the divorce is final I'll be able to continue working on house projects.

Anyway- I'm rambling. It is crazy to think I've been alone for almost 7 weeks. I know I'm going to be ok regardless of the outcome. That being said... I truly do miss the companionship of my W. I miss sharing my life with her. I miss having someone to talk with and experience life with. Funny story- Last week I came home on thursday. I had to be at church asap for rehearsal. Unfortunately when I returned home I couldn't find my cat. He was meowing (more like howling) and I thought he was stuck in a cabinet or closet. I looked through the whole main level of the house.... nothing. I then went into the bedroom and heard his meow. It came from the return air vent!! I then remembered I had one return vent cover off. The paper shredder was against this vent without a cover. Somehow my cat was able to get by the shredder and into our furnace vent system. Thank goodness the basement is partially finished. I went downstairs and took off some sheet metal covering a return air runner and low and behold there is my cat covered in dust. After a quick bath I was out the door. I so wanted to call my W and let her know of the funny story. This made me sad for a bit as reality set in a little more. W and I used to share stories and our day like this a lot. I work M-F and she does not work friday. When I would return home from work on friday she would give me a rundown of her day. What birds she saw at the feeders (along with pictures), anything funny the cats did, any updates on whether a hawk visited our feeders to catch a morning dove, etc. Just sharing life stuff. I miss this companionship the most. But I know I'll be ok regardless of whether we reconcile or not.


Some things I don't miss- Wondering if she has been faithful, whether she is lying to me, analyzing a response from her that I thought seemed to be very cold/cruel, wondering if she really does love me, am I truly chosen or am I the consolation prize?, is she thinking about me (or him/someone else) when we are intimate, and most importantly trying to understand why I have this ugly feeling in my gut that she isn't truly sorry/remorseful for the past 3 years.

Sorry for the long post. IMHO- My thoughts of her since the affair (last 3 years) have been much more on the positive side than the negative that I listed above. It was just nice to realize I don't miss some things of our relationship. I do know they will have to be dealt with if she returns. I'll cross that bridge IF it happens.
Thanks all,
e