25yearsmlc, Thanks for all your input. seeing things in a different perspective helps. you are right. I have severely undermined his wants and needs to a point that he feels extremely pushed aside and unimportant. I know because he opened up to me about it finally, and I cannot say it's a lie. So this is one of many things I have already begun to change. My husband comes first.
One of the biggest changes we have both made are our religious beliefs. Both being "christian" to him not really knowing what he believes, and me ducking out of religion and just becoming more spiritual. BUT, even though he thinks what I practice is crazy, he and I both accept each other's right to believe what we want. When we were younger it was fun to hang out, watch movies, go out and drink, etc. as I've aged, I crave things with more substance- intelligent conversation, time in nature, travel, experiencing life instead of sitting in front of a tv. He hasn't grown out of it- it's still his favorite thing to do and in fact its become his life outside of work. these are the major changes, there are little ones here and there.
as far as his job- I have brought up the subject of him possibly quitting. He says that will probably never happen. He said he doesnt mind his job- he gets paid very well and most of the time the job is a cakewalk. ALthough I will say yes: he does blame me for the MAJORITY of the debt. we have already discussed this in counseling and we are already on a path to remedying the situation. even after the debt is gone, he says he still would not quit. He likes the money. as far as a mutual decision goes, it was, and he was also being pressured by his parents to take the job as well. his father and brother work there and his parents are very well off. its great pay, pension, cadillac insurance, the whole bit. he knew what he was getting himself into, because he had worked there as a temp as well during his college years.
the issues we had before his job started were what they are now but on a lesser scale- nagging, not meeting each other's needs, more or less falling into being "comfortable" and not keeping the spark in the marriage.
The fact that he doesn't feel sexually compatible hurts. He was much more sexually active than I before we started dating - and so I think that created a little bit of insecurity on my end, and maybe created some performance anxiety, making the play time less that fantastic. This issue is being addressed with counselor, and will be getting resolved.
I feel I have made tons of progress on my end. I have not nagged him once since the bomb, I have not begged for attention, I have used kind words and my tone of voice has been good, if something he had said made me angry I nicely got up and walked away...not saying a word. Ive asked to join him in the room to watch a movie, and he has liked that I am at least taking interest in wanting to share his likes with him.
I quit my job sort of unexpectedly, but was brought up a few times before I did it. He wanted me to at least have another job before I quit but circumstances at work and other factors gave me no other choice but to get out when I did, and He said he understood. I told him I would start looking for another job immediately and he told me not to rush it, that we would be fine, and to take some time to get myself healthy mentally, of which I sought counseling those months I was off.
yes, personal issues interfere with our marriage, which is why I sought counseling. they stem from my childhood. he knew this before we married. I am an introvert by nature, but when we started dating, he was completely fine with it, he even told me he can be right in the middle most of the time, wanting that alone time away from people. I am "selectively" social I guess you can say. I have a couple friends and I like to keep it that way, It's just who I am.
I do feel like he is trapped, smothered and depressed. seeing the situation from his perspective is scary. 7 day a week job, no end, debt, a marriage where each other's needs are not being met.....talk about misery. I am sad for him, and upset that I didn't see how my actions were weighing on him.
by no means though is this entirely on me. He has admitted that he has not been the husband to me that he knows he should be.
I didn't mean to say that this couple he knows would be "miserable in time"...what I meant was, just because their situation is ideal now doesn't mean it will be always. even the best couples go through rocky times, It's not a reason to give up and "on to the next". Yes, we have talked about how we can have what those two presently have.
can't go into much more detail for lack of time here, but I appreciate your breaking down my post and making me face it from another angle. We have made progress just in the last week and I am hopeful. I have made changes, him, well not so much, yet, I understand that he needs to deal with his emotions before he can begin to repair. That's why we both agreed to counseling, and I am only going to be focusing on how I can become a better friend, listener, and lover.
