Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

Met her yesterday face to face for the first time in over a month. She brought the ferret over after the surgery with the intention of packing some tings and talking some. I stayed as upbeat as possible and tried to avoid talking about the relationship. Said I would rather talk about it with a counselor there, when she asked why I said I wanted to make sure the things I said were heard and vice-versa. She at one point asked for a key and I said no. She's welcome to come see the animals anytime I'm home but I have to live there and I can't be worrying about what she is going to take from the house.

Talking while packing was hard on both of us, she baited me into talking about the relationship more than I wanted. Told me she's splitting her time between a friends house and the work apartment. She said she's seeing a counselor once every other week. I asked if her counselor has told her to do anything (shouldn't have) and she said "Well, kind of. She makes suggestions to challenge my thinking". This is a huge red flag for me. She said that she is working on "leading her life the way she wants and not the way she thinks others want her to". This hurt. She said that I was a part of that. I know it's wrong. I've been supportive of all her decisions but going back to her old job. She now says that she loves the job and hates that people minimalize it.

Talked briefly to my counselor and it just sounds more and more like a mid life crisis. Kills me because I know that there's even less control over that situation. I'm working hard on myself but she has to go see the grass isn't greener before she could come back. She did mention that she has some things that she wants to save for counseling (implied it would be with me) which is a good thing if she is actually telling the truth. She's made it clear she doesn't want to hurt me and giving that carrot isn't something she would do if she wanted to close me out completely. She also talked of being friends. Getting food was brought up and then she changed her mind, hesitated, said "maybe.... no... maybe next week."

The best part of this meeting was that I didn't get upset until after she left. Looking into her eyes I was able to see the pupils dialate, the glisten was there. She still loves me, she can't hide it, maybe that's why she can't be around me yet. Whenever something became too much I just looked in her eyes. She's still trying to bury it. Every time she gives me an excuse it's under the guise of ILYB and the reason why she's not "in love" changes depending on the day. I'm convinced there isn't anyone else, she is determined to be on her own.

She wants to get her stuff to keep me from having to see it everyday. I told her I have to go slow, I'm in no mood to rush any of this, she agreed but got mad when I told her I was done with her taking stuff for the day. She said she wanted to talk next week. I assume it's to get more stuff, not sure if I want to let that happen yet, I'll talk to my counselor about it. This is the first real step, getting her to talk. Need to keep working on me, try to focus on what i can control and push the thoughts of what I can't out of my head. It's hard knowing the journey is so long and everything to this point was to get to step one. It's worth it to me though. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."