Bets, I think you are on your way to a great letter…but I have to point out the anger here. You seem very very angry in this letter. I understand that you ARE angry, and that you ARE tired of this ride and that you have had ENOUGH. But…maybe toning down the anger and shortening the letter would be beneficial.
My comments are in blue…and per usual…just something to CONSIDER!
I love you, and your strength. You are an inspiration to all of us!
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I would like to begin my letter by thanking you from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity to learn some extremely overdue and worthwhile lessons. I’m pretty sure that it would have taken nothing less drastic than a separation for me to see the past 2 years as a crash course in self evaluation that it has been. I have finally come to understand how overdue they were, and I will be eternally grateful for the path I have been forced to take. I appreciate every lesson that has come my way.
Good!
When you left, you asked me for time to think and to evaluate, so that you could devote energy to recharging your batteries and figure out what was in your heart. I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, but it didn’t take me long to give you the verbal agreement to devote everything you had to exploring your heart and soul. In good faith, I decided to use the time to do the same. To see myself as you probably did. To realize how my thoughts, words and actions impacted you and our relationship as a whole. To understand that our relationship needed a major overhaul. To realize that I was willing to do the work.
Good!
We have now been living separately for nearly 16 months. And I feel no closer to resolution on your part than I did the day you left. Being in this hell I call limbo for much longer is no longer acceptable to me. Therefore, I am officially stating that the sands of this hourglass are rapidly emptying.
Whoops, getting angry here…don’t be so absolute…you have felt closer to his reconciliation at times, you have seen positive changes. Maybe mention some of them here.
During this time apart, I have been called to step up to the plate to assume the role of chief caretaker of the family, acting as both parents to our girls and to assume emotional, physical and financial responsibility for our lives. I earn 2/3 of what you earn, and have been more than willing to keep us afloat while you continued to indicate to me that you needed more time.
Anger, but I think it is direct enough that it will work…
Imagine my dismay when you told me last fall and again several weeks ago that you have deliberately kept me and the status of our marriage on your back burner—deliberately avoiding thinking about the issues that have been present like the proverbial elephant sitting in our living room. This is not acceptable.
Holy hell! Easy woman…anger scares the rabbit. Did he use those words?? What did he say exactly ?
I would like for you to visualize yourself sitting at a poker table with me, the girls, and a few other friends and family members who have nothing but love for us in their hearts. Visualize MC as the dealer in this poker game. Well, this poker game is not fun, nor has it ever been. I’ve been playing all the hands while looking across the table at you, wearing your best poker face and holding your cards as close to your chest as they possibly could be without being glued there. I look around the table and see nothing but expectant faces and raised eyebrows. I keep playing this game, giving my best effort to play cards that might put both of us in the position of being winners.
Yet, I have discovered by a hidden camera and an admission from you that you aren’t even looking at your hand. You give us all the impression that you’re in the game, merely by being seated at the table, but no evidence of it. With each round of play, the stakes are getting higher and higher. I’m now putting all my chips in the center of the table and playing for everything I own. I’m willing to lose it all so I can get out of this miserable game.
The stakes are now so high that I cannot risk my own future nor the future of our daughters while you continue to hold out from playing.
I’m asking for you to either fold or deal yourself in the game.
I love your analogy, but knowing my H like I do, he’d hate it. He’d spend a great deal of time focusing on the fact that I used the word game in regards to our separation. If MW is not this way, cool beans. If so, maybe want to cut down on the analogy.
And I won’t accept indifference and apathy in your decision. If you’re out, I need to know definitively—so I can collect my things and start looking for another poker table. A game that doesn’t require me to do 100% of the giving and thinking. One that doesn’t expect me to live in a loveless shell of a marriage just so you can continue to make excuses for yourself and avoid the issues that have been sitting in front of you for a very long time.
Honey, anger again. Maybe we can combine this with another paragraph that mentioned the fence sitting is unacceptable. That way we have all of the unacceptables in one place and he won’t feel like he’s getting beaten up.
I will be completely honest with you and tell you I am extremely fearful of the choice of dealing yourself in. It is going to be very difficult to watch you pick up the pieces to your broken heart, soul and life and watch you agonize during a healing that is bound to be very painful for all of us. But because I said “I DO” at the altar when I committed to you for better or for worse (and frankly the “for worse” part has been commonplace for way too long), I am willing to work very hard at the process. I will ask God for the faith and assistance I need if you choose this path.
Now you were doing so good until I hit the parenthesis. He’s pretty much gotten the message that worse has been commonplace…
I realize that I contributed a great deal to the demise of our relationship and marriage. But I have done the work and made drastic changes for myself. And I am no longer willing to accept all the responsibility of its failure. I am not responsible for the walls, facades and barriers that you have erected as a means of self preservation.
No, you aren’t responsible for that…and you have acknowledged your responsibility. Still seems very angry to me, but the message is good.
When you asked me to marry you more than 15 years ago, you gave me your love and a commitment to me and asked for the same thing in return. I believed you and in you. But I signed on for a marriage filled with intimacy and love. For the past 5 years, I have had neither. The self-defense mechanisms that you have instituted have inflicted grave harm to the foundation we built in the early years. They are no longer useful or appropriate.
Okay…but he can’t go back to the beginning and remove the self defense mechanisms that he instituted. So maybe you can tell him what you need going forward.
I have considered your perspective and possible feelings about things, especially the topics of discussion in our sessions with MC last summer. I am willing to consider a great deal more, as long as there is complete honesty between us and a means to address conflicting opinions and values. But I have also considered the following deal breakers:
1. Indifference and apathy 2. Conflict avoidance 3. Emotional or physical affairs 4. Deceit—primarily portrayed in a passive-aggressive manner 5. Lack of commitment 6. Unwillingness to seek understanding and search for solutions 7. Unwillingness to learn 8. Lack of affection—both verbal and physical 9. Overindulgence in alcohol as a means of self medication 10. Referring to making love as “boinking” or “doing me”—I don’t want to be disrespected any longer or made to feel like a tramp or at the very least, not special or deserving of your respect.
That’s good, I like that.
I truly hope you don’t see this letter as a manipulative ultimatum. An ultimatum is only manipulative if it is issued for the sole purpose of skewing another person’s behaviors to suit the one who issued it. I am not writing to you in the hopes that you do my bidding. I am writing to you to do a crash course in self-examination so that you will reveal to me what YOU want.
The words ‘crash course’ are too cutsey. If you don’t want him calling sex ‘boinking’ don’t use that here…
I will accept the choice that you make. I may not like it, but you should allow me to feel whatever I need to feel about it without taking my reaction personally.
It sounds like you fully expect him to take it personally and you're relieving yourself of that responsibility…do you intend to imply this?
I must reiterate here that this time clock is now down to hours and days, not weeks and months. I have given you ample opportunity to do the introspection necessary to make decisions. I’ve offered to get counseling to attempt to see things from your perspective. I’ve given more of myself over the past two years than I ever have. I have decided not to resent you for this, but to use the time to build my relationship with my daughters and to rely on my faith to pull me through.
You’ve said this before, in different ways…
So Mr. Wonderful, I am asking you to put my pot on your front burner and turn the knob so the burner goes to the HIGH position. It is time to reflect on what path you ultimately choose.
That’s good, not too attacking.
In your asset column, you have a wonderful brother—a man who wants to be friends with you and offer you support. You have a plethora of friends who would like to help you answer the questions you need to ask yourself, and which you have been avoiding at all cost. I also believe that you have your father as a means of support. He lived a hard life with your mom; they both endured a marriage filled with resentment, regret and guilt—yet they still loved each other deeply. I think if anyone can speak volumes on this subject, he can.
I can see this going either in a good direction or a bad…depends on MW
But to live a new life is going to require a whole lot of effort and emotional elbow grease. The question is: Are you willing to do it with my support, or do you want to do this alone and risk everything you have because the road looks too difficult and you’re afraid of failing yourself and others?
Challenging…again could go either way.
There will never be a good time for this work, Mr. Wonderful.
Good.
It is my most fond memory to watch you walk D10 down the aisle of the church one day, with me in the front pew—happily married to you and with the knowledge that this journey has been worthwhile. I want to demonstrate to her that this path is noble and worthy of all its inherent risks and pain. I want to look down at my scarred wedding ring, and know that you put it there because you loved me, and because it is still there for the same reason.
Good.
I will respect your decision either way. But I must have one very soon, because I don’t want to continue to live my life in limbo, wasting time and energy focusing on the one question that has been at the top of my mind for the past 2 years: Is he in or out?
GOOD!!!!
And regardless of your choice, I will continue to foster respect and honesty in the relationships you have with our daughters.
GOOD!!!!
I wish you peace.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Betsey, dear, I am with Cathy on this. It is too long and the periods are very involved. Also I detected a tone of suppressed anger... which you have every right to feel. Also it sounds condescending in some points. I am sure you did not intend it to.
Anyway: about men and letters... They do not like them in general. A year ago, I was feeling very fed up with H and his lack of progress in our sitch (I did not know yet the half of it) and spent days writing him a letter. I cleared it with everyone and finally gave it to him. He read the first two sentences and stopped, telling me he was very tired of being insulted. I just smiled, said "yes I am also tired of being insulted" and walked out on him and went totally dark on him for 4 days. Later, I learned that was the weekend he broke up with the wh*re and went to live at his office.
What I mean is if you have to write the letter, shorten it and make it more bussiness-like and to the point. And be prepared for his reaction, even if it means he does not read it.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Okay, guys. Thanks for the feedback. Mr. Wonderful does read my letters, and I read his. We do it infrequently enough that when they are the medium of communication, they are effective. He does not have ADD and appreciates analogies and word pictures.
Meredith: Before I post the revised letter, here are my responses to a few of your questions:
Quote: Holy hell! Easy woman…anger scares the rabbit. Did he use those words?? What did he say exactly ?
Those are exactly his words. Verbatim.
Quote: It sounds like you fully expect him to take it personally and you're relieving yourself of that responsibility…do you intend to imply this?
Yes, it has come up in 3 rounds of counseling that he will not give someone honesty if he perceives that their reaction to his news is not complete happiness. (Conflict avoidance. Or the possibility of it.) This is the motivation for his passive aggressiveness.
My point is to get him to accept WHATEVER reaction I might give and allow me to express myself. I take responsibility for my reactions, and he only owns his. Either way, I want truth.
For the record, this letter prints out in a little more than 2 pages with a big font. I do not believe that it is too long.
I've been accused by many (and here too) of not being honest with my emotions with him. I am angry, but not attacking him. I would like to express my anger in a manner that is honest but not fish consumption. I believe I have done a decent job at that here.
Ladies, I have taken your suggestions at heart. And here are my corrections:
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I would like to begin my letter by thanking you from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity to learn some extremely overdue and worthwhile lessons. I’m pretty sure that it would have taken nothing less drastic than a separation for me to see the past 2 years as a crash course in self evaluation that it has been. I have finally come to understand how overdue they were, and I will be eternally grateful for the path I have been forced to take. I appreciate every lesson that has come my way.
When you left, you asked me for time to think and to evaluate, so that you could devote energy to recharging your batteries and figure out what was in your heart. I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, but it didn’t take me long to give you the verbal agreement to devote everything you had to exploring your heart and soul. In good faith, I decided to use the time to do the same. To see myself as you probably did. To realize how my thoughts, words and actions impacted you and our relationship as a whole. To understand that our relationship needed a major overhaul. To realize that I was willing to do the work.
Imagine my dismay when you told me last fall and again several weeks ago that you have deliberately kept me and the status of our marriage on your back burner—deliberately avoiding thinking about the issues that have been present like the proverbial elephant sitting in our living room. This is not acceptable.
I would like for you to visualize yourself sitting at a poker table with me, the girls, and a few other friends and family members who have nothing but love for us in their hearts. Visualize MC as the dealer in this poker game. Well, this poker game is not fun, nor has it ever been. I’ve been playing all the hands while looking across the table at you, wearing your best poker face and holding your cards as close to your chest as they possibly could be without being glued there. I look around the table and see nothing but expectant faces and raised eyebrows. I keep playing this game, giving my best effort to play cards that might put both of us in the position of being winners.
Yet, I have discovered by a hidden camera and an admission from you that you aren’t even looking at your hand. You give us all the impression that you’re in the game, merely by being seated at the table, but no evidence of it. With each round of play, the stakes are getting higher and higher. I’m now putting all my chips in the center of the table and playing for everything I own. I’m willing to lose it all so I can get out of this miserable game.
The stakes are now so high that I cannot risk my own future nor the future of our daughters while you continue to hold out from playing.
I’m asking for you to either fold or deal yourself in the game.
If you’re out, I need to know definitively—so I can collect my things and start looking for another poker table. A game that doesn’t require me to do 100% of the giving and thinking. One that doesn’t expect me to live in a loveless shell of a marriage just so you can continue to make excuses for yourself and avoid the issues that have been sitting in front of you for a very long time.
I will be completely honest with you and tell you I am extremely fearful of the choice of dealing yourself in. It is going to be very difficult to watch you pick up the pieces to your broken heart, soul and life and watch you agonize during a healing that is bound to be very painful for all of us. But because I said “I DO” at the altar when I committed to you for better or for worse, I am willing to work very hard at the process. I will ask God for the faith and assistance I need if you choose this path.
I realize that I contributed a great deal to the demise of our relationship and marriage. But I have done the work and made drastic changes for myself. I have made these changes so that I am a better person, wife, mother, and friend.
When you asked me to marry you more than 15 years ago, you gave me your love and a commitment to me and asked for the same thing in return. I believed you and in you. But I signed on for a marriage filled with intimacy and love. For the past 5 years, I have had neither. I want it all.
I have considered your perspective and possible feelings about things, especially the topics of discussion in our sessions with MC last summer. I am willing to consider a great deal more, as long as there is complete honesty between us and a means to address conflicting opinions and values. But I have also considered the following deal breakers:
1. Indifference and apathy
2. Conflict avoidance
3. Emotional or physical affairs
4. Deceit—primarily portrayed in a passive-aggressive manner
5. Lack of commitment
6. Unwillingness to seek understanding and search for solutions
7. Unwillingness to learn
8. Lack of affection—both verbal and physical
9. Overindulgence in alcohol as a means of self medication
10. Referring to making love as “boinking” or “doing me”—I don’t want to be disrespected any longer or made to feel like a tramp or at the very least, not special or deserving of your respect.
I truly hope you don’t see this letter as a manipulative ultimatum. An ultimatum is only manipulative if it is issued for the sole purpose of skewing another person’s behaviors to suit the one who issued it. I am not writing to you in the hopes that you do my bidding. I am asking you to do the self-examination necessary so that you will reveal to me what YOU want.
I will accept the choice that you make. I may not like it, but you should allow me to feel whatever I need to feel about it without taking my reaction personally.
I must reiterate here that this time clock is now down to hours and days, not weeks and months. I have given you ample opportunity to do the introspection necessary to make decisions. I’ve offered to get counseling to attempt to see things from your perspective. I’ve given more of myself over the past two years than I ever have. I have decided not to resent you for this, but to use the time to build my relationship with my daughters and to rely on my faith to pull me through.
So Mr. Wonderful, I am asking you to put my pot on your front burner and turn the knob so the burner goes to the HIGH position. It is time to reflect on what path you ultimately choose.
In your asset column, you have a wonderful brother—a man who wants to be friends with you and offer you support. You have a plethora of friends who would like to help you answer the questions you need to ask yourself, and which you have been avoiding at all cost. I also believe that you have your father as a means of support. He lived a hard life with your mom; they both endured a marriage filled with resentment, regret and guilt—yet they still loved each other deeply. I think if anyone can speak volumes on this subject, he can.
But to live a new life is going to require a whole lot of effort and emotional elbow grease. The question is: Are you willing to do it with my support, or do you want to do this alone and risk everything you have because the road looks too difficult and you’re afraid of failing yourself and others?
There will never be a good time for this work, Mr. Wonderful.
It is my most fond desire to watch you walk D10 down the aisle of the church one day, with me in the front pew—happily married to you and with the knowledge that this journey has been worthwhile. I want to demonstrate to her that this path is noble and worthy of all its inherent risks and pain. I want to look down at my scarred wedding ring, and know that you put it there because you loved me, and because it is still there for the same reason.
I will respect your decision either way. But I must have one very soon, because I don’t want to continue to live my life in limbo, wasting time and energy focusing on the one question that has been at the top of my mind for the past 2 years: Is he in or out?
And regardless of your choice, I will continue to foster respect and honesty in the relationships you have with our daughters.
I wish you peace.
****************************************************
That's round 2.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I like this one better. Much of the anger is gone. Meredith will surely dissect it for you. I just don't see how all of your feelings of frustration/anger can be eliminated.
Meredith, that is not a smack at you. You have a great talent at looking at things and seeing what emotions are coming through. Not all of us can do that.
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Jumping topics for just a sec...I am skimming through "You Mean I'm Not Stupid, Lazy, or Crazy?" Found a description of ADDers that interested me...
"An intolerance of touch or close physical proximity is ...noted by ADD adults...At times the need for physical space is acute and an ADDer simply cannot tolerate being around other people. "
Just considering my husband's need to be alone...this book talks about roller coaster emotions and activity states/energy levels. Dawning clarity - I knwo I am not supposed to worry about his behavior, but the more I understand it... Hmm. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Quote: An ADDer's overloaded system can make him so tired he can barely moe, talk, or think. It is as if he is in a temporary coma. He expreiences attempts at communication as assaults on his very being. He either ignores the assault or snaps an irritable reply-taking any action is an impossibility.
Wow. Wow. And once again, wow.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Let's take a breath here-- I know that you have been moving in this direction and we were discussing boundaries to make a shift in the sitch. Did you push the fast forward button on me? I thought you were going to wait until you went to MC before you made any "final" decisions? Was I mistaken on this? I'm not saying you shouldn't give him the letter, I'm just trying to keep up (as usual).
The letter looks like an ultimatum. (I know we talked about this too) but it just seems to say either/or and not in the reflection of I'm willing to take these steps in order to keep us on track, are you willing to do this or not? And for you to have to clarify that it's not an ultimatum, sends the message to me that he will interpret it this way as well. Could you revise it to some extent to say that if he's "in the game, HE will not put the subject on the back burner and will begin to address/face what's in front of him. With your assistance (if he would like), we could begin by going to MC?" and if he's not in the game than he needs to definitevly let you know by verbalizing it? (does this change the letter any?) I'm not sure if I'm getting my point accross here but I just feel it is a strong letter w/the decision being box A or box B. And knowing his logical engineer mind, he will have to choose. Thus-an ultimatum. Can we tone the letter down to let him know that these are your feelings and you are at the end (as you told him) of trying and leave it at that? or is that too loose for you?
I know what you're trying to do here. It's what I did last week. Put it in his lap so he can "say" it one way or another but I'm still seeing ultimatum which is not pretty especially for the WAS. Just some thoughts, Bets. I trust your judgement but wanted to share. Tootles...
