When Do MLC-LBS Officially Give Up?

[25yearsmlc]

The day our divorce was final, that was it for me. There was a major internal shift in that ... he had months to stop this, to try to fix our family, if not for himself or me then for our son. He did not choose to do so.

Many here say divorce is just a piece of paper.

Many continue to stand after that.

I understand this^^. I can only say that for some, months are barely a blip. I've had a few (4??) close friends change and be real jerks for a time, only to SLOWLY awaken to the damage they caused...in one case the h was too overwhelmed to face his family. Pride played a factor when he first left, but I'm not positive it remains.

After almost 2 years, he worked up the energy and bravery to start seeing his kids more regularly - maybe b/c they were young enough to just want any scraps he could give them, and he seems to be a decent father again, to 2/3 of his kids. He began a different life, lost his faith and changed his political opinions...his parents did not approve of his divorce, they loved his wife and still do, actually.

He once finally called and faced his wife. He gave her what I thought was a sincerely felt "OMG I get it, I blew it, and I'm so sorry" type of apology. But no, he didn't bother trying to reconcile. She was to marry later that month. Even so, I think he wanted to get it off his chest more than trying to change her mind.

Down deep, sure I think he wanted to reconcile (??). Either I'm wrong, or he couldn't muster up the energy to do the work she'd require to rebuild. OR maybe he thought she'd never get past it...IF there was a time machine, THEN that is what I think he'd have gotten into. Where he wouldn't have to make up for the harm, but could start fresh with the new insights. AND Wouldn't we all?

So yes It was tragic, I know. Still, he did recover some of relationships and 2/3 of the kids did get their dad back. That was a positive. Beats never getting him back...

And then the kids got a stepdad too (and a stepmother, who I can honestly say does not measure up to the woman he left...life is like that).

So, Does MLC H know his new wife isn't worth his first one?

Yes I would think so. Maybe what matters is what I know or what his first w knows...though I doubt she ponders it much.

He once told me he "cannot let THIS m fail" which sort of bothered me. How could he let the first m end, when he had children?? I believe that at some level, he knows that if he'd put the same energy into his first m that he is putting into his 2nd one, he'd still be married AND happy. Put it this way, I KNOW THAT IS TRUE, and it usually makes me sad.

The woman he left is affectionate and affirming. She is a nurse and is very nurturing. She could lose 10lbs. The woman he married, is not cold or affectionate or affirming. She's slim, earns a good living, and seems cold and insecure. She is very threatened by the first W, ironically.

For every increased paycheck his new wife brings home, he gets about 50 fewer hugs
and 100 fewer compliments and for sure, less intimacy all round. The woman he left laughs often and heartily. She thought he was hilarious.

His new wife has no art on the walls, and not a single thing on the refrigerator.

I can't explain the differences more, but I do feel sorry for him. His mother died suddenly and he was devastated. He called his first w, and they both cried hard.

In the obituary of his mother, the first w was named as "the lovely mother of her grandchildren, 1st W..." and I just found that to be so bittersweet. And kind. Who knows what his new wife felt or thought? Who cares?

Even though I feel badly for his first wife, she is the type of person to be inwardly content, regardless. She's kind and loving. Her relationships with her friends and family and children are all loving ones, and she genuinely enjoys her time with them.

So, Is ^^it fair? Gosh, i doubt it.

On the other hand, I'm a woman in a western nation where I can vote, drive and work. I'm a college grad. PLUS, I have 3 close friends right now who did nothing "wrong" but are facing major medical challenges, and a dear friend who lost her oldest son to an unknown heart defect. Last fall I became seriously ill out of nowhere. Less than half of the patients on my ward, ever leave...

Point is, I know life is not fair. And I am grateful life has been so good to me.
Sorry to be rambling.

Here's my final comment for now - in the above^^ scenario,

I guess the LBS wife gave up, OR she chose to move on. Is there a difference between giving up and moving on? I'm asking.

Maybe giving up feels more like "losing" and maybe moving on feels more like "winning"

or at least cutting our losses & doing damage control.

Maybe it's all how WE frame it. .



I am not one of them. In order for me to fully detach, I need to let go completely. I am no longer actively standing. I'm not sure exactly what I am doing in relation to my exh. I think at best I'm neutral. We have a function this evening at our son's school. To date we have continued to co-parent with only a few areas of disagreement, definitely brought on by the depression which is core to MLC.

I have no idea what's going on with exh. It is no longer my business. I'm focused exclusively on my son and my future since the divorce became final. As each week passes, that only strengthens.

How does this^^ feel to you?

Many MLCers have to "go the distance" and divorce their spouse before they can begin their own healing process.