Friends: Anchor, Bruce and Chum's BB Version

[Meredith]

Bets, I think you are on your way to a great letter…but I have to point out the anger here. You seem very very angry in this letter. I understand that you ARE angry, and that you ARE tired of this ride and that you have had ENOUGH. But…maybe toning down the anger and shortening the letter would be beneficial.

My comments are in blue…and per usual…just something to CONSIDER!

I love you, and your strength. You are an inspiration to all of us!

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

I would like to begin my letter by thanking you from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity to learn some extremely overdue and worthwhile lessons. I’m pretty sure that it would have taken nothing less drastic than a separation for me to see the past 2 years as a crash course in self evaluation that it has been. I have finally come to understand how overdue they were, and I will be eternally grateful for the path I have been forced to take. I appreciate every lesson that has come my way.

Good!

When you left, you asked me for time to think and to evaluate, so that you could devote energy to recharging your batteries and figure out what was in your heart. I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, but it didn’t take me long to give you the verbal agreement to devote everything you had to exploring your heart and soul. In good faith, I decided to use the time to do the same. To see myself as you probably did. To realize how my thoughts, words and actions impacted you and our relationship as a whole. To understand that our relationship needed a major overhaul. To realize that I was willing to do the work.

Good!

We have now been living separately for nearly 16 months. And I feel no closer to resolution on your part than I did the day you left. Being in this hell I call limbo for much longer is no longer acceptable to me. Therefore, I am officially stating that the sands of this hourglass are rapidly emptying.

Whoops, getting angry here…don’t be so absolute…you have felt closer to his reconciliation at times, you have seen positive changes. Maybe mention some of them here.

During this time apart, I have been called to step up to the plate to assume the role of chief caretaker of the family, acting as both parents to our girls and to assume emotional, physical and financial responsibility for our lives. I earn 2/3 of what you earn, and have been more than willing to keep us afloat while you continued to indicate to me that you needed more time.

Anger, but I think it is direct enough that it will work…

Imagine my dismay when you told me last fall and again several weeks ago that you have deliberately kept me and the status of our marriage on your back burner—deliberately avoiding thinking about the issues that have been present like the proverbial elephant sitting in our living room. This is not acceptable.

Holy hell! Easy woman…anger scares the rabbit. Did he use those words?? What did he say exactly ?

I would like for you to visualize yourself sitting at a poker table with me, the girls, and a few other friends and family members who have nothing but love for us in their hearts. Visualize MC as the dealer in this poker game. Well, this poker game is not fun, nor has it ever been. I’ve been playing all the hands while looking across the table at you, wearing your best poker face and holding your cards as close to your chest as they possibly could be without being glued there. I look around the table and see nothing but expectant faces and raised eyebrows. I keep playing this game, giving my best effort to play cards that might put both of us in the position of being winners.

Yet, I have discovered by a hidden camera and an admission from you that you aren’t even looking at your hand. You give us all the impression that you’re in the game, merely by being seated at the table, but no evidence of it. With each round of play, the stakes are getting higher and higher. I’m now putting all my chips in the center of the table and playing for everything I own. I’m willing to lose it all so I can get out of this miserable game.

The stakes are now so high that I cannot risk my own future nor the future of our daughters while you continue to hold out from playing.

I’m asking for you to either fold or deal yourself in the game.

I love your analogy, but knowing my H like I do, he’d hate it. He’d spend a great deal of time focusing on the fact that I used the word game in regards to our separation. If MW is not this way, cool beans. If so, maybe want to cut down on the analogy.

And I won’t accept indifference and apathy in your decision. If you’re out, I need to know definitively—so I can collect my things and start looking for another poker table. A game that doesn’t require me to do 100% of the giving and thinking. One that doesn’t expect me to live in a loveless shell of a marriage just so you can continue to make excuses for yourself and avoid the issues that have been sitting in front of you for a very long time.

Honey, anger again. Maybe we can combine this with another paragraph that mentioned the fence sitting is unacceptable. That way we have all of the unacceptables in one place and he won’t feel like he’s getting beaten up.

I will be completely honest with you and tell you I am extremely fearful of the choice of dealing yourself in. It is going to be very difficult to watch you pick up the pieces to your broken heart, soul and life and watch you agonize during a healing that is bound to be very painful for all of us. But because I said “I DO” at the altar when I committed to you for better or for worse (and frankly the “for worse” part has been commonplace for way too long), I am willing to work very hard at the process. I will ask God for the faith and assistance I need if you choose this path.

Now you were doing so good until I hit the parenthesis. He’s pretty much gotten the message that worse has been commonplace…

I realize that I contributed a great deal to the demise of our relationship and marriage. But I have done the work and made drastic changes for myself. And I am no longer willing to accept all the responsibility of its failure. I am not responsible for the walls, facades and barriers that you have erected as a means of self preservation.

No, you aren’t responsible for that…and you have acknowledged your responsibility. Still seems very angry to me, but the message is good.


When you asked me to marry you more than 15 years ago, you gave me your love and a commitment to me and asked for the same thing in return. I believed you and in you. But I signed on for a marriage filled with intimacy and love. For the past 5 years, I have had neither. The self-defense mechanisms that you have instituted have inflicted grave harm to the foundation we built in the early years. They are no longer useful or appropriate.

Okay…but he can’t go back to the beginning and remove the self defense mechanisms that he instituted. So maybe you can tell him what you need going forward.

I have considered your perspective and possible feelings about things, especially the topics of discussion in our sessions with MC last summer. I am willing to consider a great deal more, as long as there is complete honesty between us and a means to address conflicting opinions and values. But I have also considered the following deal breakers:

1. Indifference and apathy
2. Conflict avoidance
3. Emotional or physical affairs
4. Deceit—primarily portrayed in a passive-aggressive manner
5. Lack of commitment
6. Unwillingness to seek understanding and search for solutions
7. Unwillingness to learn
8. Lack of affection—both verbal and physical
9. Overindulgence in alcohol as a means of self medication
10. Referring to making love as “boinking” or “doing me”—I don’t want to be disrespected any longer or made to feel like a tramp or at the very least, not special or deserving of your respect.

That’s good, I like that.

I truly hope you don’t see this letter as a manipulative ultimatum. An ultimatum is only manipulative if it is issued for the sole purpose of skewing another person’s behaviors to suit the one who issued it. I am not writing to you in the hopes that you do my bidding. I am writing to you to do a crash course in self-examination so that you will reveal to me what YOU want.

The words ‘crash course’ are too cutsey. If you don’t want him calling sex ‘boinking’ don’t use that here…

I will accept the choice that you make. I may not like it, but you should allow me to feel whatever I need to feel about it without taking my reaction personally.

It sounds like you fully expect him to take it personally and you're relieving yourself of that responsibility…do you intend to imply this?

I must reiterate here that this time clock is now down to hours and days, not weeks and months. I have given you ample opportunity to do the introspection necessary to make decisions. I’ve offered to get counseling to attempt to see things from your perspective. I’ve given more of myself over the past two years than I ever have. I have decided not to resent you for this, but to use the time to build my relationship with my daughters and to rely on my faith to pull me through.

You’ve said this before, in different ways…

So Mr. Wonderful, I am asking you to put my pot on your front burner and turn the knob so the burner goes to the HIGH position. It is time to reflect on what path you ultimately choose.

That’s good, not too attacking.

In your asset column, you have a wonderful brother—a man who wants to be friends with you and offer you support. You have a plethora of friends who would like to help you answer the questions you need to ask yourself, and which you have been avoiding at all cost. I also believe that you have your father as a means of support. He lived a hard life with your mom; they both endured a marriage filled with resentment, regret and guilt—yet they still loved each other deeply. I think if anyone can speak volumes on this subject, he can.

I can see this going either in a good direction or a bad…depends on MW

But to live a new life is going to require a whole lot of effort and emotional elbow grease. The question is: Are you willing to do it with my support, or do you want to do this alone and risk everything you have because the road looks too difficult and you’re afraid of failing yourself and others?

Challenging…again could go either way.

There will never be a good time for this work, Mr. Wonderful.

Good.

It is my most fond memory to watch you walk D10 down the aisle of the church one day, with me in the front pew—happily married to you and with the knowledge that this journey has been worthwhile. I want to demonstrate to her that this path is noble and worthy of all its inherent risks and pain. I want to look down at my scarred wedding ring, and know that you put it there because you loved me, and because it is still there for the same reason.

Good.

I will respect your decision either way. But I must have one very soon, because I don’t want to continue to live my life in limbo, wasting time and energy focusing on the one question that has been at the top of my mind for the past 2 years: Is he in or out?

GOOD!!!!

And regardless of your choice, I will continue to foster respect and honesty in the relationships you have with our daughters.

GOOD!!!!

I wish you peace.