I'm signing a lease on Saturday. I found an apartment with some nice windows that would allow me to save a little money and walk to work. It will be a huge step down from our lovely house, but oh well. This is what I need to do. I need to take him at his word that this is over.
One thing about the move that has really bothered me was needing to leave my plants behind. Since we moved in, I've developed quite a green thumb, when I used to kill any plant in my vicinity. I've been lovingly tending to my plants and expanding my collection because we have a little sun room and some skylights.
Not being able to take my plants was breaking my heart. Luckily, I think I'll have enough windows that I can take them all. I might have to give away one or two, but that's okay. I know I'm not leaving any behind. It pleases me about how empty and clinical this place is going to look when I'm gone.
I also harvested tomato seeds and was planning to throw myself into gardening in our backyard in the spring.
The lease starts in May so I'm going to try to find a short term place to go until then. I want to move my things out of here and not have to come back.
He honestly seems to think that my leaving is just talk and that I'll keep living here and helping with bills. He doesn't say that, but given his magical plan where I owe him money for the house and so he should get to keep any proceeds, I know that he's not thinking straight. He is totally unable and unwilling to put himself in my shoes. He's a child and I'm his mother whom he's rebelling against.
Somewhere along the way he decided I was materialistic and entitled. I did talk about how much I loved this house, but I meant it as appreciation. I think he heard it as entitlement.
I'm wondering what will happen when my moving becomes a reality. Probably nothing. Even if he's shocked or upset, he'll make sure that I don't see it.
I can't wait to leave behind this cartoon version of me that he's been reacting to. I represent all of the things that he detests about women, particularly his mother and his ex. I'm needy, dependent (financially and emotionally), I manipulate him, I'm materialistic, and I'm entitled.
In reality, I am none of those things and I never have been. He just needs a screen to project his negativity onto. Living with that, and knowing I'm not being seen for me, has been incredibly oppressive.
