the bomb was dropped.....

[25yearsmlc]

okay, this is going to be long but I want to get the best advice possible and feel I need to really get in depth about what has happened between H and I.

Last week, my husband dropped the "I'm not happy" bomb on me. he was sobbing, pouring out his heart to me.
I can't exactly say it was a complete shock, because we have been having marital issues and have been seeking counseling, of which both of us have been happy going. but to me, the issues we were having were not "divorce worthy".

but to HIM, they are, or he's not saying everything. Bottom line is that he is willing to risk the marriage to pursue or feel or explore "whatever..." so you saying the issues are not divorce worth sort of invalidates his perspective. Something is really undermine the marriage in his eyes. That's just a fact.


just to give a brief background: H and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 9, I am 33 and he is 30. we can both admit that we are not the same people we married. we have grown personally.

So he was 21 when you began dating? And how have you changed? And him? Yes he has some young friend he's hanging out with (just 5 years younger), but how has HE changed from when you dated or were first married? And you? What are you doing or saying differently from then?


However, On my end, it hasn't changed my feelings for him or our marriage. We have grown apart to an extent; growing to like different activities, ideas and ways of thinking about certain subjects, but still have a moderate about of common interests.

A "moderate amount of common interests" is not exactly a ringing endorsement. Sunmoon, I'm going to be blunt for a minute.

Maybe you need to assess whether you want this marriage, or you simply don't want to be the rejected party. Sometimes it's hard to know. We are very wrapped up in being part of a couple.

He took a job 4 years ago that requires him to work 7 days a week.


how long will that go on? "requires" him to work every day? That is a big deal. Was this a mutual decision?

He CAN take weekends off (he can ask for them, sometimes they deny the request) but the money is so good and we are in a lot of debt

does he blame you for the debt? Or not working as much?

so he hates asking for the weekends off. his father has worked at the very same company for 40 years, (7days a week) and so does his brother.

our issues started before he took this job,

care to elaborate?

but I feel his job has made things worse, and we should have started seeing the warning signs sooner. fast forward to the bombshell- he is unhappy.

Working every day without an end in sight, and maybe seeing the life of his dad/brother and not wanting to live their lives, might be an issue. BUT you cannot do anything about that

he feels we are no longer compatible in every area (this is includes sexually as well).


how do you feel about that?

he feels we have grown so far apart that he is unsure he will ever be able to feel the same way about me as when we were in our younger years of the relationship. he spends all of his time on social media, tv and movies, hardly looking up to even see what I am doing or engage in any conversation, to him, I nag, I dont make him feel like a man (which, to be honest, I have been extremely depressed and have had high anxiety which has caused me to be someone I am not, and I HAVE been seeking counseling for, and I HAVE improved, even he admits he has seen positive changes in me).

Glad you are getting help. Keep up the work, and at least in front of HIM, keep showing the progress...even if you backslide, he doesn't have to know. Make sense?

I am not going to pretend that I have been the ideal wife, because I have lacked. However he has not been the best husband he can be either.

i quit my job almost a year ago because it was high stress and my hours were opposite his, we saw zero of each other. we lost a lot of income but to me it was better than losing the marriage.

how did He feel about you quitting? Was it an agreed up decision?

I took the summer off, which he agreed could be good for me, but during the summer he had told me he was starting to feel some unhappiness, which then we started seeking counseling, and individual counseling for me for my issues. we both enjoy going and love our counselor.

Do your personal issues interfere with the marriage? Were they present before this? Are you very social, apart from being part of a couple? As an individual?


I got a part time job in october which allows me to work when hes working, so we can still have time to see each other. however the time we have together is spent arguing or buried in his phone or tv. he says he "loves me" but isn't "in love with me" anymore.
he feels trapped, smothered, and depressed.

Sunmoon, is there a thread of truth or validity to any of this^^?

He recently befriended another guy at work who is quite a bit younger than us (I am 33 and he is 30, friend is 25). this friend is engaged and H says that he wants the relationship that him and his fiance have. they are compatible, in love, do everything together and have few arguments.

I feel this is an unfair comparison, because these two are not even married yet, younger and have a lot of growing to do. I told him that this couple could be in the exact position we ar


see, this^ is sort of like saying he "should not" feel as he does, and it invalidates how he feels. Plus it's a little like saying "they'll be miserable IN TIME, just like us", as opposed to asking how you two can recapture the connection you once had.

Make sense?

e in in 5 years, and he cant compare someone else's present relationship to ours. he feels that I don't let him go hang out with his buddies, or when he does, I make him feel guilty for going out. this is partially true- with him working 7 days a week its hard to get any quality time with him, (may I add he is also an on-cal firefighter and responds to calls when he isnt at work)so I constantly feel like I get no time with him,

so it's not really just "partially true", right?


and when he wants to go out without me, I have a hard time accepting he would rather go out than spend the very little time he has with me- and yes, i know this is unfair to him, and I have let him know that I am aware that it is.

since the bomb, he has sought out individual counseling appointment with our counselor. so have I.

I have been trying really hard not to beg or convince, although I have told him what I feel and what I think can happen if we try harder.

but you are trying to convince him, aren't you?

he doesn't mind us sleeping in the same bed, doing things together, but has told me not to get offended that he isn't there for me physically- kiss, hug, cuddle etc. he said all the feelings are so raw right now that he is confused on what he wants.

i am trying very hard to give him that space but i take things so personally and because i am a physical touch person i feel like I'm just being rejected.

sun moon, I'm so sorry. I see your comments and then you negate them. A lot of the word "But" is present. Your own promises are not really being kept. Can you see what I mean?


we did get a little intimate one night this week, but was turned down several other times. he took the weekend off to hit a movie with me, we went to dinner, we did a little window shopping, and i noticed he spent a lot of money on everything which is very out of the norm for him.

Did this^^ bother you? And did you show that?

he is also testing our some small "honor and respect boundaries" that we set up prior to getting married- I'm 99% positive that there isn't another woman, however he has been talking about past "friends" that were girls, being a little disrespectful when it comes to other women (not hiding it when hes staring at other women in front of me, talking about other "hot women", and searching out inappropriate things on the internet) It's almost like he knows he's in a position of power right now, and he is using it to his advantage to do what he wants knowing I won't say anything for fear I might push him over the edge. this is not only unfair but immature and disrespectful.

Yes it is hurtful.


i love him dearly- we have a lot of fond memories, no kids but animals we share and love. could this be an early onset of midlife crisis?


I doubt it. There are reasonable explanations for this marital crisis, don't you think?This is more like the progression of problems that has now escalated.

Plus your course of action is the same, regardless of whether he's having an MLC or simply wants out. KEEP THAT IN MIND...

could his demanding job and the pressure of a not so hot marriage be catapulting him into this very odd behavior?

is it so odd, given that you describe a "not so hot marriage" and you're both so young, and you have your own issues, and my guess is he's not crazy about his job or hours...


I'm heartbroken, lost, and don't know whether to stay and weather this storm, or to separate for a bit.

I am trying extremely hard to be open and peaceful, not nag and slap a smile on my face when I just want to cry, guard my heart when it comes to his inability to "be there for me right now" but I am in agony.

Can you do an exercise for me for a few minutes? Just for a few minutes...

Imagine for just a little while, that your h had passed away -

Imagine now that you had grieved, and somehow you had processed his passing away,

and that you had recovered your life somehow. Imagine that you were at peace and had finally moved on.

Where would you be living? Would you travel often? Would you change jobs or go back to school? Would you have joined a club, or volunteered somewhere?

So, which of those ^^ things can you do, now?