Yes I read your thread and I feel like I gave you suggestions for how to approach this opportunity.
And if you don't want to reconcile, or if you feel you'll never get past the non communication, then why not end it now?
I'm not suggesting it, I'm saying that even though this is VERY hard, it's not very complicated.
We over think.
Your h wants to see you. You've posted here wanting that very thing.
There are things we must accept that we will never understand.
OR not accept it. But I do not believe there is an answer you'll find satisfactory as to why all this happened.
Asking "why?" And "how could you do this?!!" are questions I spent a year of my life on, and I'll never get that time back.
(& btw, my DB coach said those 2 questions will almost always elicit a defensive response from the listener, so I try to avoid framing questions that way).
Maybe you need to decide what you want, and go from there?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
