When Do MLC-LBS Officially Give Up?

[25yearsmlc]

When do people left behind by MLC spouses give up? I'm sure it varies from person to person, and situation to situation. But is there any discernible pattern? Is there some milestone event after which LBS's give up, typically? Do LBS's tend to hang in there as long as they remain married, but give up when the MLC-er divorces them? Or do most LBS's hang in there long past the divorce?

I know, I know... you DB for yourself, and you DB forever for life but ... there's got to be a point at which you abandon all hope, and just stop caring.

Interesting question.

I'm pondering it. I'll throw out some thoughts but I'm just spit balling, okay?

I would think if the WAS does things that are so deeply disturbing to the LBSer, some action

or public humiliation or damage to the kids,

whatever that might be, or however it might look,

there probably is a point of no return. I think we know what the point of no return is, in advance, but it can change.

Maybe we think that an Affair or financial gaff, would for sure end the marriage. Sometimes we decide that we were wrong to draw a line there.

Regardless, there IS a point somewhere, in every healthy LBSer, and it causes a change within the LBSer at that point.

That change is when they/we know that the marriage really is irretrievable.

UNhealthy LBS can get and remain so depressed or are so needy or their ego is so damaged that they just want the WAS back, no matter what, and they might never give up.

For them, the divorce becomes the defining event of their lives. They consider "standing" for their marriage to be effectively, standing still. They greatly fear change.

But for healthy "recovered" LBS folks, who give up - some might feel
their former spouse has too much baggage for them, the LBS to get past

And the WAS plays a role there too. Because even if the WAS wants to return,

AND gets past their pride enough to tell the LBS, AND even if the LBS isn't being punitive, (and many LBS are punitive under the guise of "boundaries")

the LBS might still feel it's just too late. They changed, they moved on too far to return to where they once were...

AND OR the work for the WAS is just too much for them to do even if they want to. They remain unable to become transparent or giving enough, and though they regret leaving the m, they are unable or unwilling to do what they need to do, in order for the LBS to take them back and let go of the ordeal the WAS put them through...OR the LBS has not owned their own role and when they WAS wants to return to a better m, one or both of them realizes that it's not achievable. Then the LBSer becomes the WAS or the unwilling party.

Or maybe something in the LBS has died...and the LBS realizes the WAS isn't someone they are interested in anymore. They cannot go back in time.

Or they see their former marriage more accurately and realize that although they hated being the rejected party, in reality, they were not treated well for some amount of time in the m.

One insight I now have for LBS is that they frequently ruminate about the marriage they think they lost.

And they imagine their lost option to divorce, was "being happily married to WAS."

but that's not often the realistic option.

Often, the realistic alternative to divorce is a mediocre marriage to their WAS

or a damaged, painful marriage. They hold onto the marriage they once had early on,

OR always fantasized their marriage would someday be...and that's not really the alternative they were presented with.

When you realize that the options you had were the divorce that your spouse forced upon you

OR staying married and unhappy, wishing the WAS would become who we needed them to become, but likely never be...then divorce isn't quite the nightmare we fear it is, considering the alternative.

Does that make sense?

FTR, the estimates of remarriage for former spouses, ranges from 6% ti 15%, depending on which source you use. I have 2 family members who did, so I tend to think it's higher than 6%. My point is that I in their cases, my family members don't seem to have been waiting. They seem to have moved on, and yet...they reconciled.

What do you think?