First time here

[25yearsmlc]

I need advice. Maybe I should be over on the MLC forum but there seems to be more activity here,

Switching and worrying about whether this is MLC or a WAS is not necessarily helpful. I think people spend way way too much time labelling their spouses instead of dealing with what they know is happening and working on themselves.

Plus, as you said, there's more activity here so this is where you'll get the help you want.


and right now I still need the daily interaction found on this website. It has helped me in my everyday thoughts so many times, as I feel myself sliding toward negative self-talk.

Great!

I am not sure what stage I am in. I started here with a husband who wanted separation, which we did. He never said he wanted a divorce, in fact said he did not, but just needed some time. Then basically he just abandoned me for 2 months.

which may be exactly what he meant when he said he wanted space.


About 3 weeks ago he started to communicate, first just a text here and there, then daily texts, then phone calls, now he wants us to visit for a weekend. So I don't really know what "rules" I need to be following during this phase.

this ^^is a thaw and there are many people here who would love to have these^ actions happening. It's an opportunity for you to DB


It was easy to go dark, that was clear-cut. But now, I don't know.

have you talked to a DB coach? Mine was supremely helpful and specific.


When he first said he wants to see me, I was so excited and thought I'd love nothing more. But the more I think of it and the closer it gets, the more I think I may be reading too much into it.

Please have NO EXPECTATIONS and I cannot stress this enough. Try to be in the moment, pleasant and easy to be around and light hearted.

Yes, it may take all your acting skills and we can give you an Oscar b/c you will deserve it!

But you are a woman with interesting people to meet, cool places to go, & FUN things to do but you will make time for your h b/c hey, he's fun TOO!

Be upbeat and have a PMA and all the rest of the DB basics. Do them. Or fake as if you are (and then really do them.)

We hammer the GAL and Detachment for 2 reasons

1) it helps US to be happier people and our happiness and inner peace is the ultimate goal, not reconciliation

and

paradoxically 2) it increases the chances of a reconciliation

Make sense?




If you've read any of my posts, you'll see where last Sunday he made a statement about the future that did not include us back living together. He tried to back up and say that's not how he meant it- maybe he did, maybe he didn't~ believe nothing they say, right?

But it had a strong affect on how I'm looking at this "get-together". I feel like I may be setting myself up for a disappointment, in that I think the weekend was going to be a magical fix, and he would want me to come home. Now I think that's not how it's going to be. I realize I am mind-reading, and crossing bridges ahead of time. My IC gets onto me about that every week.

you are doing a LOT of mind reading. Your IC is telling you to stop it and so are we. Are you going to stop or keep doing what hurts you and your cause?

I mean, do you see how the mind reading isn't serving your interests? You think it's protecting you but it's not.



But I'm also trying to guard my heart. I don't want to set myself up for a 2nd heartbreak this quick. Should I just not see him?


Why on earth would you not see him? How would that protect your heart?
This is what you wanted, isn't it? He's exploring the connection you had, and you want to cut it off? I don't get it.

Eventually we have to see each other. We are 1000 miles apart so can't very well "date", which is what would make the most sense to me.

Sorry but what was the 1 bedroom discussion about, if he isn't open to living together?


I'm still not really verbalizing what I'm trying to say- usually I don't have this much trouble with words. Flu is still hanging around so maybe that's it. Any thoughts or opinions would be welcome.

Take care of yourself. Many of us found that we were sick more often during these stressful times, so it's clearly part of our self care to work on.