Wow, Betsey. Great post on sarcasm. I'm beginning to realize the role its played in my life. One of my best friends (actually he was my best friend, was the best man at my wedding, and I'm sure I prioritized his needs over W's on many occasions, and whom I've had to distance myself from since I started DBing) has a sarcastic wit par none. He is capable of entertaining large crowds with his sarcasm, and loves to be the center of attention. After reading your post, I can really see how much of an effect he had on me, just how contagious sarcasm is.
Quote: it's the type of tool that doesn't know boundaries and acceptable times.
Indeed. In relationships, I think sarcasm usually displaces honesty about our feelings, and discourages honesty from others about their feelings.
Mer, the invitaion to do the homework was because when reading the thread, I noticed that someone (maybe Kitti) had asked if the homework was open to everyone.
Still waiting for the men to add to this! That was a GREAT suggestion.
I'll await your letter, Betsey. I have been tossing around the idea of composing one of my own. I have to get a handle on my emotions first, though.
I have to make this brief because work is closing in on me quick, but I want to address this!
Betsey, my dear shark mentor, I do hear what you are saying. Of course I don’t like it, because that would mean I have another thing to add to the list of things I need to change about myself.
You have given me a lot to consider, per usual! And I solemnly promise to respect my H and myself by not using sarcasm unless it is of a factious manor and only intended to be funny. That is, not when we are having any sort of serious conversation.
However, I do feel that sarcasm does play a positive role in some interactions. For instance, if H were to call and tell me that his sister quit her job and will now be expecting more money from his mother to pay her bills (this happens fairly often) I would probably reply with a sarcastic comment. He knows how I feel about it, and frankly how I feel really won’t be changing anything. But the sarcasm makes him laugh, makes him see a humorous side to the situation. We both know how the other feels, and have talked seriously about the subject as well. I suppose what I am trying to say is that not all sarcasm is hiding our true feelings…just when it is used in an inappropriate time and place.
And, I am the first to admit I am definitely guilty of using sarcasm in inappropriate time and places. I can think of many times where I would say something sarcastic to H in an argument because I was frustrated, hurt and miserable and wanted to jab him a little…or, a lot. Nonetheless, that is one thing that I do promise to change. Add it to my list.
I will consider my sarcasm in my interactions with H.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Meredith--That's the only thing I hoped for you: considering it. And no matter how you are, I'm gonna love you anyway. You're just too damn special for words.
Pam--The letter to Mr. W. will follow in my next post. I hope that it says everything I need to say in the context of love with boundaries.
Peace!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I would like to begin my letter by thanking you from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity to learn some extremely overdue and worthwhile lessons. I’m pretty sure that it would have taken nothing less drastic than a separation for me to see the past 2 years as a crash course in self evaluation that it has been. I have finally come to understand how overdue they were, and I will be eternally grateful for the path I have been forced to take. I appreciate every lesson that has come my way.
When you left, you asked me for time to think and to evaluate, so that you could devote energy to recharging your batteries and figure out what was in your heart. I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, but it didn’t take me long to give you the verbal agreement to devote everything you had to exploring your heart and soul. In good faith, I decided to use the time to do the same. To see myself as you probably did. To realize how my thoughts, words and actions impacted you and our relationship as a whole. To understand that our relationship needed a major overhaul. To realize that I was willing to do the work.
We have now been living separately for nearly 16 months. And I feel no closer to resolution on your part than I did the day you left. Being in this hell I call limbo for much longer is no longer acceptable to me. Therefore, I am officially stating that the sands of this hourglass are rapidly emptying.
During this time apart, I have been called to step up to the plate to assume the role of chief caretaker of the family, acting as both parents to our girls and to assume emotional, physical and financial responsibility for our lives. I earn 2/3 of what you earn, and have been more than willing to keep us afloat while you continued to indicate to me that you needed more time.
Imagine my dismay when you told me last fall and again several weeks ago that you have deliberately kept me and the status of our marriage on your back burner—deliberately avoiding thinking about the issues that have been present like the proverbial elephant sitting in our living room. This is not acceptable.
I would like for you to visualize yourself sitting at a poker table with me, the girls, and a few other friends and family members who have nothing but love for us in their hearts. Visualize MC as the dealer in this poker game. Well, this poker game is not fun, nor has it ever been. I’ve been playing all the hands while looking across the table at you, wearing your best poker face and holding your cards as close to your chest as they possibly could be without being glued there. I look around the table and see nothing but expectant faces and raised eyebrows. I keep playing this game, giving my best effort to play cards that might put both of us in the position of being winners.
Yet, I have discovered by a hidden camera and an admission from you that you aren’t even looking at your hand. You give us all the impression that you’re in the game, merely by being seated at the table, but no evidence of it. With each round of play, the stakes are getting higher and higher. I’m now putting all my chips in the center of the table and playing for everything I own. I’m willing to lose it all so I can get out of this miserable game.
The stakes are now so high that I cannot risk my own future nor the future of our daughters while you continue to hold out from playing.
I’m asking for you to either fold or deal yourself in the game.
And I won’t accept indifference and apathy in your decision. If you’re out, I need to know definitively—so I can collect my things and start looking for another poker table. A game that doesn’t require me to do 100% of the giving and thinking. One that doesn’t expect me to live in a loveless shell of a marriage just so you can continue to make excuses for yourself and avoid the issues that have been sitting in front of you for a very long time.
I will be completely honest with you and tell you I am extremely fearful of the choice of dealing yourself in. It is going to be very difficult to watch you pick up the pieces to your broken heart, soul and life and watch you agonize during a healing that is bound to be very painful for all of us. But because I said “I DO” at the altar when I committed to you for better or for worse (and frankly the “for worse” part has been commonplace for way too long), I am willing to work very hard at the process. I will ask God for the faith and assistance I need if you choose this path.
I realize that I contributed a great deal to the demise of our relationship and marriage. But I have done the work and made drastic changes for myself. And I am no longer willing to accept all the responsibility of its failure. I am not responsible for the walls, facades and barriers that you have erected as a means of self preservation.
When you asked me to marry you more than 15 years ago, you gave me your love and a commitment to me and asked for the same thing in return. I believed you and in you. But I signed on for a marriage filled with intimacy and love. For the past 5 years, I have had neither. The self-defense mechanisms that you have instituted have inflicted grave harm to the foundation we built in the early years. They are no longer useful or appropriate.
I have considered your perspective and possible feelings about things, especially the topics of discussion in our sessions with MC last summer. I am willing to consider a great deal more, as long as there is complete honesty between us and a means to address conflicting opinions and values. But I have also considered the following deal breakers:
1. Indifference and apathy
2. Conflict avoidance
3. Emotional or physical affairs
4. Deceit—primarily portrayed in a passive-aggressive manner
5. Lack of commitment
6. Unwillingness to seek understanding and search for solutions
7. Unwillingness to learn
8. Lack of affection—both verbal and physical
9. Overindulgence in alcohol as a means of self medication
10. Referring to making love as “boinking” or “doing me”—I don’t want to be disrespected any longer or made to feel like a tramp or at the very least, not special or deserving of your respect.
I truly hope you don’t see this letter as a manipulative ultimatum. An ultimatum is only manipulative if it is issued for the sole purpose of skewing another person’s behaviors to suit the one who issued it. I am not writing to you in the hopes that you do my bidding. I am writing to you to do a crash course in self-examination so that you will reveal to me what YOU want.
I will accept the choice that you make. I may not like it, but you should allow me to feel whatever I need to feel about it without taking my reaction personally.
I must reiterate here that this time clock is now down to hours and days, not weeks and months. I have given you ample opportunity to do the introspection necessary to make decisions. I’ve offered to get counseling to attempt to see things from your perspective. I’ve given more of myself over the past two years than I ever have. I have decided not to resent you for this, but to use the time to build my relationship with my daughters and to rely on my faith to pull me through.
So Mr. Wonderful, I am asking you to put my pot on your front burner and turn the knob so the burner goes to the HIGH position. It is time to reflect on what path you ultimately choose.
In your asset column, you have a wonderful brother—a man who wants to be friends with you and offer you support. You have a plethora of friends who would like to help you answer the questions you need to ask yourself, and which you have been avoiding at all cost. I also believe that you have your father as a means of support. He lived a hard life with your mom; they both endured a marriage filled with resentment, regret and guilt—yet they still loved each other deeply. I think if anyone can speak volumes on this subject, he can.
But to live a new life is going to require a whole lot of effort and emotional elbow grease. The question is: Are you willing to do it with my support, or do you want to do this alone and risk everything you have because the road looks too difficult and you’re afraid of failing yourself and others?
There will never be a good time for this work, Mr. Wonderful.
It is my most fond memory to watch you walk D10 down the aisle of the church one day, with me in the front pew—happily married to you and with the knowledge that this journey has been worthwhile. I want to demonstrate to her that this path is noble and worthy of all its inherent risks and pain. I want to look down at my scarred wedding ring, and know that you put it there because you loved me, and because it is still there for the same reason.
I will respect your decision either way. But I must have one very soon, because I don’t want to continue to live my life in limbo, wasting time and energy focusing on the one question that has been at the top of my mind for the past 2 years: Is he in or out?
And regardless of your choice, I will continue to foster respect and honesty in the relationships you have with our daughters.
I wish you peace.
Last edited by Underdog; 04/13/0402:41 PM.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
H walked in last night, carrying a blanket, because I asked him to bring an extra home. What did I say? I said, "why didn't you bring the other one?"
Then I realized what had just come out of my mouth, and the fact that H looked crushed, for just a second. I apologised and said thank you, but I wonder how much I do that without noticing? Hmmm.... Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Okay, so I think I need to re-read this issue again to fully understand everything but are we saying that sarcasm is a mask? And as such, that person is really not the person we know deep down inside? Coz, if that's what I'm hearing here, my H must be invisible! He has used sarcasm as long as I have known him. I guess it's not surprising considering the hell we're in now. He's got some deep-seated issues from childhood (imho), hence the mask, hence the sarcasm. But now that you mention it, I haven't seen much of that in the past 2 yrs. Interesting...........
Bets - Regarding the letter...I think it's honest, I think everything you wrote was stuff you needed to say, and I think you are prepared for whatever outcome happens, even if his response is to give you no response.
I would think differently of it if you were a beginning DBer, but you have been in this game a long time, and I think it is time to clear the air between you and Mr. W. I support the letter. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Myrrh--No response is not acceptable now. That is conflict avoidance. If he does not volunteer an answer, on the right day and time, I will ask him to reveal it.
I will have information from him before I make a decision.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Wow...you put a lot out there! Doesn't matter if it's said or in writing "boinking" just makes me giggle, always has, always will.
How long is your H's attention span? I found myself skimming it towards the end, maybe because I'm at work but this does require some quiet time to really read and reflect on the words.
Remember Friends when Rachel wrote Ross the letter (I think it was ten pages handwritten though) and Ross didn't even read it?
Anyway, I don't have any other constructive feedback I guess other than could you shorten it or won't your H get the full effect? On second thought maybe it is what your H needs to see, what you're seeing!
