trying to keep up with you

[Altair]

Previous thread

Hi all,
Just thought I'd journal for a bit.
I'll start by saying I am okay as I can be, in my new life. I have supportive friends, exciting upcoming trips, good health. So now to the 'other stuff'. As I said in the previous thread, H took a job back East and I just learned he is buying a house. He sent me links and asked me what I thought and is very excited about it. He wanted to take me to lunch and talk about it and he needed some paperwork that I have. We had a nice lunch and I think he has everything he needs. My IC really thinks this needs to end, this friendship desire on his end. I would like to do things from a DB way though, whatever that means. H said he wanted to do D paperwork last week "for a clean slate" but I haven't heard anything. This seems like the proverbial cake-eating: letting me down nice and easy, lessening his guilt, getting what he wants, the escape.

[SBJ]

Altair I have not advice to give since I am in a similar position, but I can give you my support.

[Altair]

Hi SBJ, same here. Good to hear from you.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, great to hear from you and good to know that you have some supportive friends around you and that you continue to be in good health.

I don't know about cake eating but your H does seem to be acting very insensitively and immaturely by discussing his house purchase with you. Only you know if you want to cut it off with him. I would say as the inevitable is going to happen, ie he is moving away and wants D is there any need to accept his invitations for coffee anymore unless you want to be his friend... ?

(((Altair)))

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
nice to hear from you. Immature, insensitive: check. I don't see any friendship right now, or need to meet. Waiting for papers, I think. I don't know, all I know is I am not pursuing. I think he has every piece of paper he needs from me. After this, if he asks for anything else I'll drop it in his mailbox when he isn't there.

[25yearsmlc]

Altair

first time posting to you.

First, you have done well on the friends/trips/health and overall GAL. This is vital.

I'm of 2 minds with your h moving east. On one hand it's obviously a blow in terms of having much less contact. Harder to imagine a reconciliation, I know.

Not impossible, but logistically harder, no doubt. On the other end, it may well be easier for you to avoid dealing with his "issues", and there will be no accidental running into him.

I wanted to mention that I don't see the cake eating here. He's not living with you and wanting to be friends with benefits, etc.

My DB coach one said that to an extent, DBing requires a bit of cake eating b/c we don't tend to file for D and cut them off if we are here. (Cutting them off is often a punitive action anyhow, and I can't see how that benefits us or them).

Seems to me you are increasing your chances of him remembering you fondly, with the approach you are taking.

No, I can't say that will invariably lead him home OR that you will want him then. Or be able to trust again. And knowing that can be really sad...still...

Finally, when you say the cake eating is b/c he's being kind to you and "letting" you "down nice and easy" well...


what do you think would be better? And What difference does it make to you, if he is "lessening his guilt"?

Guilt on his end will not lead him to wanting to stay married. It tends to make men take the guilt/shame and convert it into blame. If guilt were an effective tool to stay married, I think you'd know.

As far as him getting what he wants, "i.e. the escape"

well, We cannot stop them from divorcing. And you would not want him to be stuck with you, b/c you deserve to have a man who wants to be with you. Not acting as if he's trapped.

I'm writing all this to you for 2 reasons.

1) b/c I think it's easy to view something completely through a negative prism, even when it's comparatively positive, and I hope your view will evolve into a more positive one,

AND

2) b/c I think that your split is thus far as "amicable" as it can be. It'll never be pleasant to split up, I know. I'm only saying that his relative civility is not a bad thing.

if you harbor desires for a recon, this^^ enhances the chances and regardless, it's a good thing to know that you have behaved like a woman of strength and dignity does.

That ^^is never going to be something you regret. Around here, having few regrets is often the best we can hope for. The fact that he's not overtly angry, is a very good thing.

Hold your head high.

[Altair]

Hi 25years,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I appreciate it. It is true: I have DB'ed and worked very hard towards amicability. Through my DB coach and also this board, I have made great strides in my own development, and in my relationship with H. This is amicable and will stay as such.

I will try to stay positive and keep my head held high.

[Altair]

Hello everyone
(and a special shout out to Coly, and, HI AP)
H Update:
Like Coly, the past 2 weeks were NC. I admit, I "spun out" today and called him. He asked if I was calling for a certain reason, I said no, I just wanted to say hi. We talked for about 20 minutes. He asked me about work, I kept my answers short and positive. I asked about his, he was joking and saying he wishes they'd fire him right now instead of him staying until May. He didn't sound down or upbeat either. The only odd thing was he kept asking: are you sure there's no reason for this call? I kept answering no, just saying hello. Then he said maybe in 2 weeks or so he'd see what I was up to. I said great, he said he had to go he was finishing up some work.


And that was that. No mention of moving East or any of that, although it is definitely happening. I asked if he'd found a place and he said not yet and quickly changed the subject.


So, on to journaling:
I'm still seeing IC, I think it is going well. I don't have the lows that I had at BD and after, but I don't have too many ups either. I'm lonely and alone and have been living here in this place for a year (cannot believe time has flown by). Coming up on BD anniversary, and of us being "separated" for ten months and counting. H wanted to start D paperwork a month ago, haven't heard anything yet but like I've said, I always wonder if he's trying to get me to initiate it-- heck no! I've looked at that paperwork and it's a mess of forms-- no way!


So basically these days I'm just blah. Food tastes like cardboard, I don't get pleasure out of things that I used to enjoy. I'm figuring H's depression has rubbed off on me a bit, I am just trying to be aware of my thoughts and feelings and basically it's been a year of h3ll and I guess this is the end of the line with H moving in 8 or so weeks. (and suggesting we meet in 2). I just need a boost.

I got a note on my car and a phone number the other day from a guy who works at a restaurant i go to lunch often asking me out and saying i seem 'chill, with good energy'. He's nice but obviously, I just can't. He saw me after and said, look we can just have coffee, it wont be a date. I thought to myself he was very smart about how he went about taking the pressure off, but right now, I cannot. Yesterday I went to the spa and soaked in the hot tub for a really long time- my GAL activity I suppose.

Well, I hope everyone is having a nice weekend, and take care.

[Surv1ve]

Hi altair,

I don't have a lot of advice for you being new to the boards myself and with so many questions, but I wanted to say I'd read your post and my heart breaks for you a bit. I think to myself that, if my marriage ends, I want to look back and be of my behavior and know that I demonstrated strength and a willingness to emerge stronger from a terrible time. From what I read, those are the things you're doing and, when you look back, you will feel proud of your strength. It seems like H moved pretty quickly from bd and your head must have spun and, yet, strength.

Be well and (())

[Coly23]

Hey (((Altair))), seems like yesterday was a spin cycle for a lot of us!

Like you I am coming up to a year for BD and I guess that's why I'm spinning a bit too. I think we should be proud of how we managed to get through nearly a whole twelve months of this h£ll so a little spinning should be allowed.

I think I understand when you say that H's depression might have rubbed off on you. I feel a little bit the same way too. Actually I feel like I'm not sure if I have any feelings for H anymore. I think I feel as empty and numb as someone in MLC!

WR to other guy. I wouldn't blame you if you did go for coffee with him, it might give you a bit of a boost but I totally understand that this isn't what you want right now.

The spa sounds like fab GAL! I'm still doing lots of exercise, I think it's the only thing that's keeping me going at the moment!

It's spring Altair, everything always feels better in the spring...