Round 2

[Tryin2figuritout]

Looking for advice on how to handle outings with my wife's family and going dark. They're very aware of our situation and are very supportive and just want us to be happy. We'll get together with her Mom or her Dad (divorced) and they're both very welcoming of me.

I can look at these opportunities two ways: 1) an opportunity to just be who I am with my wife, kids and her family as I continue to work on myself or 2) an opportunity to withdraw myself.

I am comfortable with the 1st as I did it before and as I said earlier am already finding strength in myself.

On the second, the biggest detractor to me is my kids. They are aware of our struggles, but if I do withdraw here I don't want them to think I'm walking away. It's completely the opposite in that I'd struggle through this for years if it kept our family unit intact.

Part of my struggle with going to these functions is allowing my wife to "have her cake and eat it too". If I'm there, I feel like she's not having to grieve over the loss of me. Yes, she's choosing this, but I understand the pain that goes along with saying she needs space / wants out / can't do this anymore.

She talked last night about reconciling the first time and how she was worried she'd lose the kids. I asked if that was the only reason and she said no because she needed to feel "safe". I totally hate using the term "safe space" here, but that's what our family is. We really do have each others backs as a family unit and just didn't fight for our relationship as H/W in order to keep the safety net in tact, if that makes sense.

So my dilemma is missing opportunities to be with my family vs. detaching more and more. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.