When do people left behind by MLC spouses give up? I'm sure it varies from person to person, and situation to situation. But is there any discernible pattern? Is there some milestone event after which LBS's give up, typically? Do LBS's tend to hang in there as long as they remain married, but give up when the MLC-er divorces them? Or do most LBS's hang in there long past the divorce?
I know, I know... you DB for yourself, and you DB forever for life but ... there's got to be a point at which you abandon all hope, and just stop caring.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I am not sure anyone else can answer that for you, though some vets probably could give their insights. It is often said here that as long as you ask that question, you are not ready to throw in the towel. You just know and don't need to ask.
Each situation is different.I could discus mine in relation to your question but my reply may not offer any guidance in your situation.
I have read that 10% of couples that divorce remarry each other. So being divorced is not necessarily the end of hope.
To help your thinking on this ask yourself how you will live your life if you truly give up and move forward. I suggest you are not ready to date or at least have a serious R. So ruling that out, there is nothing you could do if you gave up, that you cannot do whilst standing.
Live your life as if she isn't coming back. Fill it with fun joy and happiness. Enjoy it. Forget about her for now. If she wants back, she will knock on that door. If you half live your life waiting for that knock, you will not fully live. Ironically it seems when the lbs has 100% dropped the rope ( for real) and no longer even considers WAS, the knock comes quicker.
So if you want to move on or continue to stand, IMO the paths are compatible. One does not exclude the other. In many ways they are the same.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
That was a great answer, Roist. As has been said before, its over when you say it is (or something like that).
Most of us are at verious levels of trying to "detach", with our own versions of what that means. Some have young kids, teens or adult children; others have no kids at all. This usually affects the amount of interaction with your MLCer. So does whether they are in house or out of area. Some are trying to be the "nice guy/girl" out of guilt? Love? Fear? and are constantly popping up to "help out". Obviously, the more often there is interaction, the more often there is hope for R and that makes it harder to detach completely. We tend to search every interaction or report from others for a "sign" that they are changing their ways.
So, back to the original question...
You try to give up now. As you said, DBing is for life. The point is to focus on you, not them. That's the battle, right there. I know for me, I still focus way too much on XH. His behavior is such that I fall for his confused and oblivious acts because I'm still unable to completely let go. And I've been rockin' the h3## out of GAL and "moving on". Its a process, but it does get better with time. The amount of time is different for each person.
If what your really asking is when can you start seeing other people and looking for another R...Well. Its tempting to do it to try and get past the loneliness and past the MLCer. Lots of people in our lives think that pushing us to do that is healthy. Up to you, really. My own personal philosophy (and I'm D and very tempted) is that if I got into another relationship while still not detached from XH, is that fair to the new R? I see how far I've come, but I know my lack of detachment would get in the way of a healthy R. So, I personally need to have more time to get to know me. My own therapist was pushing me to date...at my first appointment! She used her own life as an example (D, dated and married again within three years), but since Ive been going to her, she's been venting so much to me about her anger at her X that I realize she still has a ton of anger and hurt that have never been resolved. I don't see that as healthy for her relationship now.
As far as abandoning hope and not caring, they aren't mutually exclusive. You can still care about the person, yet not have hope for reuniting as a couple. I like the NC method...the less contact, the easier it becomes to go about your day to day and get into that. The thinking about your "other" slowly starts to lose its power. You are able to view that R more as an outsider looking in...you can then become less reactive when there is contact. It gets better.
I think when you no longer have to ask, "when do I give up?" and just realize you are enjoying life without them, that's when you realize you've dropped the rope. Then you will realize that its over when you say it is. That's when you feel the power of you more than the power of them. So, concentrate hard on making life enjoyable. See the obstacles to that as challenges rather than roadblocks. Make it fun.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but you'll discover a lot of wonderful people post all over the Forum, including this one. Read as much a you can, take away what you can use and leave the rest behind.
I'm pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread info. Please read the threads because you will discover a wealth of info.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the land of MLC. You've pretty much answered your own question. If you are asking when to give up, then you aren't there yet. Many LBS move on and when they move on, some of the MLCers will notice and begin reaching out to them. Each situation is different, but I can promise you this...you will know when you've had enough and will be ready to move on.
Each MLC is different because of the childhood issues, personality and environment of the person in crisis, some stay in crisis a short period of time, others longer and then there are those that remain in crisis until they die. No one can predict who will survive and how long they will be in crisis. That's why it is important to keep the focus on you, your family and your life. Live your life to the fullest as if they may not return.
It's been said many times, the divorce decree is just a piece of paper and some do remarry and go on and have happy and productive lives. Ultimately, the LBS is the one that determines whether to shut the door, move on or reconcile...but that's far, far down the road.
For now, detach, keep the focus on you and live your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been fairly active in the Newcomers section so I do know a few things about DB.
I wasn't asking the question, "When should I give up?" At least not directly. I realize that's something I need to answer for myself.
I wanted to hear how other people resolved that question for themselves -- knowing full well, again, that this is a question each person has to answer for himself/herself. I just thought hearing about other people's journeys and thought processes would help stimulate my own thoughts. I'm not out to copy anyone.
Anyhow, I welcome other people's thoughts, opinions and experiences on how they dealt with this question. I hope you will post more here.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
What are YOUR current thoughts on this in your situation?
I hear uncertainty in your posts. That is understandable. I also hear a willingness to learn and a motivation to make the best decision for you. Well done on making the effort to seek out people who have already walked your path. I hope that you find what you are looking for.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
My recollection is probably a little fuzzy. 2011 seems like lifetime ago and honestly I live my life in the present moment much more today then I ever did before.
It probably took me a year from the point I asked that question. For me giving up was a process. One where I made the decision to and then the 12 months that it took for me to convince myself that this was the correct decision and then live it.
The reason I made that decision was I didn't think my EXW was capable of making her way through the MLC tunnel. She lived life in kind of a superficial way. People may ask why did you marry then. All I can say is life looks/is different at 20 versus 45. She was a wonderful person for many years and I can honestly say we had a good marriage. I do not respect some of the decisions she made but it was her life to live, not mine.
The decision in hindsight was a good one. 7+ yrs later she still spews at times and there is no friendship/co-parenting etc. My daughter now 18 said one time that she hates that my life turned out as well as it did. Hey what can I say, I'm a cool guy.
Trust your gut going forward. I know the decision seems monumental at times. But give yourself a break. This journey is not for the feinthearted and we learn things everyday.
and this website was a blessing for me. I could not be more at ease with myself and my life then I am right now.
I asked the same question to my father just yesterday. He dealt with my mothers QLC & divorce, and then had my step-mother pull a MLC on him as well. He didn't survive that one either. It took him a long time to give up hope that things could be restored.
His take was that it takes time. He said the hurt is so deep that it doesn't heal easily. If is funny, he suggested focusing on family, church, golf and shooting sports. Finny thing is that he hasn't read DB, but he just told me to focus on me and GAL.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
