I keep saying it's the same guy!! Mine is the same way.
p.s. Mer-I'd have to say that during this process I have learned that what he DIDN'T communicate to me is coming to light. And the process of "listening" has become an important thing for me to learn. So, I guess maybe he was communicating-not so much differently-just not in the right language?? (i.e. let's go to dinner was his way of saying let's spend time together, alone) Better explanation?
If Mer isn't logged in, I'd have to say that's a better explanation. I think it falls into the category of understanding that we express ourselves differently (right, Hud? Music can be a form of self expression?) and learning to listen to what the other person is actually trying to say?
I'm still stuck on the one that says, "I just want to be alone!" UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. If Mr. W. has a twin brother on the east coast, I think I need to move to Bermuda or Tahiti...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey-this need of his...I'm surmising here...he doesn't want to call b/c he doesn't want to feel controlled/told what to do/like he is checking in/mothered/possibly not trusted... So, he is afraid of being p-whipped, afraid to lose his "identity/individuality." It's not bad to want space.
Doesn't Mars/Venus describe men as being rubberbands? They need to stretch out a little bit, have a sense of freedom, then bounce back once they get renewed if you will. They like to revert to their caves to think about stuff on their own. Yes, we women like to blab about everything, but I think it is a male ego thing to want to be able to solve prob's on their own.
Obviously, the more we try to close in on their space, the more they are going to want to pull away. Give them all kinds of space (& make yourself less available/more scarce yourself), and then they come back b/c they WANT to come back, not b/c they feel pressure as in, "she'll be upset if i don't do A or B." Which way would you rather have it?
I know, I know-easier said than done, and yes, we have our wants and needs. We want to spend time w/him, we want him to talk to us...But, as we all know, we sometimes have to put our needs aside. WHAT??? Hard for those of us who like to *ahem* express our feelings/wants/needs...
If you can muster up the strength (yes, I know it takes A LOT b/c I can't always do it), can you say, "great, take all the time you need," bob barker style? *I know too that this is diff. b/c children are involved.
Things about my h that I will consider 1. His need for space/time w/guys/time to unwind after work. 2. How physically taxing his job is 3. NOT asking him "what is wrong? are you mad at me? etc." as in considering that he is being quiet for NO reason and that it is NOT personal! 4. His emotional distance as a result of my "attacking/accusing" him.
Things about me that I will consider: 1. What to do to make me happy-taking some personal time, doing bible study, walking dogs, climbing, etc. 2. How to please GOD rather than MAN. 3. Being in a more positive mood in all situations 4. How to communicate in a non-threatening way. Eliminate all "you don't care, you don't love me" statements.
Really seems the guys are afraid of all the sharks in the water here. Maybe I relate to you all because my WAW seems to have many non communication attributes many of your WAH have. Some gender role reversal here? I just feel I never get the straight message from her, always has to be some hidden meaning or go figure it out yourself or MOST FREQUENTLY AND ANNOYING I'm not talking about it and I'm not going to allow any time to talk about it and will then claim I have no time to give, but can go galavanting around with OM whenever and wherever.
Let this duck with one broken wing throw out a couple of questions to you all. I can't argue with the overwhelming feeling of having to take care of oneself, but it strikes me a bit odd as everyone feeling this way at once, Don't know if its Easter or what, but I haven't been on the boards too much lately and I still feel this way, weird. Moon, horoscope or whatever, just seems weird. Any thoughts on this one.
My next question I have is I noticed on all your goals, everyone has listed they will not tolerate an EA or PA. Well what if your WAS doesn't consider it an A because it is post bomb? They feel they have been honest with you so to speak. Also what does tolerate mean to you? Would you not talk to WAS or what does it look like to you?
I would appreciate some feedback on what your actions are going to look like if your respective WAS does do any of these things? What are your responses to these actions and what do they look like, actions or words?
As someone that is going through an evaluation of where I am now and where I want to go, it would be helpful to hear what others are doing. I will of course see if they apply to myself before implementing any.
I do think you ladies are doing great and have found a renewal of strength and motivation. Thinking about many similar things as well, just dont know if heart, mind, spirit, and soul all agree. Do you feel any doubts?
I always said before a dealbreaker for me would be OP, but that has come and gone and my heart tells me I still love her. So can you see what I mean? Trying to understand where my own personal boundaries really are and what my actions look like. I wonder what others actions may look like.
Forgive me for rambling or if I make little sense. I could give a variety of reasons, broken wing (but healing), tired, stressed, medications and I'm tired from typing.
like the new thread - will post later. as for this:
Quote: My next question I have is I noticed on all your goals, everyone has listed they will not tolerate an EA or PA. Well what if your WAS doesn't consider it an A because it is post bomb? They feel they have been honest with you so to speak.
hits far to close to home - just because my W came home early December and said she wanted a divorce, she suddenly felt she was separated, and could do whatever she wanted, and jumped into bed with that prick "mini" from work. She ultimatly paid the price for not thinking that through, but it sticks in my craw. I told her recently that I wouldnt have been so upset and disappointed in her if she had just seen a lawyer and filed paperwork prior to that. We're now going on 5ish months since the bomb, still no papers, still living at home, and potentially still sleeping with OM (but recent developments seem to indicate a cooling off there).
Yes, she also has the "well if I tell you 80% I'm not lying" - drives me nuts too. My DB'ing wont allow me currently to ask her every fricking time if OM is at a given function that she goes to, and she doesnt usually tell.
Sorry rambling - seems to be a pattern that once they drop the bomb they are "free" to do whatever they want IN THEIR MIND. The LBS, another story.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Karen, Bill, Seattle... This list is after considering the WHY's listed prior to the no acceptance list. That is, the list is after we CONSIDER what is in the first 2 categories and assuming that all things are going forward.
So Seattle, an EA/PA will not be tolerated in the future. The past is what it is, and we must agree to leave it there. It is only important so that we can see how we got there as to avoid it again.
Make sense?
Karen, I'm not here to dissect the why's anymore (and yes, it's about control). But I said I would consider why he feels that way... not that I had to accept it and like it. Got it?
Glad for everyone's contributions.
TTYL!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Seattle, not that I'm a monitor on this thread LOL, but I agree w/UD on the concept that the EA/PA will not be tolerated in the future-as in when the waters clear? Realizing that the EA/PA occurred due to a need that we were somehow neglecting hit me pretty hard. After some long-time reflection on this, I could see my fault in this process.
As for your comment: "it strikes me a bit odd as everyone feeling this way at once" I have thought about this as well. I have begun to feel that we are all hitting the "acceptance" point? and have become stronger. We have tried various things and finally grasped the concept of DBing-let go of the rope and take care of you. I believe that this process occurs for each of us at different stages and for me, I wish I had come to it sooner. It has given me more peace. I have learned a lot but the pain we go through can't consume us forever. Yes, we are still in pain but it's more manageable now. For me, I have hit a point that says no more-it's your turn. I hope for the best but can only be accountable for my actions from here on out.
Secondly, (again for me) it could be that we're coming out of the "blue season" (wintery months) and spring/summer always appears to be a more exciting time and I don't want to watch my summer dwindle away coz my H isn't participating. Just my thoughts here....hope you 3 don't mind giving my 2 cents.. Tootles.............
Karen--You did an excellent job responding to Seattle.
I'm going to reiterate the considering for Meredith, since she's probably off bathing her toddlers. (2nd period of the Avs game just started, so I won't pontificate.)
Considering just means that you will contemplate where they fit in the scheme of things. Are they deal breakers? Are they personal "want" items that either we or our S has requested? If we aren't inclined to budge, why or why not?
And if, in the end, the deal breakers are all present and accounted for, it gives us the basis for decision making.
In my opinion (and I realize that it is just an opinion), a good decision is one where there is no conflict between the head, heart and soul. That is, there is no niggling doubt in any area.
It is my recommendation that if there is ANY doubt (whether reasonable or not), it is not a good time to make a decision.
BTW, I'm contemplating a letter to give to Mr. Wonderful on Thursday morning--requesting that he read it that evening. I'm going to pour out my heart and soul into it and let him know what I want out of a marriage. It's not a blame theme at all. But I have a zillion things running through my head and want to put them into words.
He seems a whole lot more receptive to my letters--although I have not written one to him in at least 6 months. After I finish mulling the outline and writing the nuts and bolts, I'll let you know. It is along the line of Meredith's homework assignment.
Now, off to gather D7, head to the library for a book recommended by Hud (which is now available for checkout ) and get D10 from gymnastics.
I better be hockey happy tomorrow morning...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Look at this! All the cutie patooties are in one thread!
I am so glad to see you posting again Mer. Yes, I have missed you, even though we have a wonderful mediator who gives us the updates on each other. You ARE a very special woman!!!!!!
Pam, haven't had too much interaction with you, but know that I value the words you say.
Underdoggie, what can I say but the AVs stink!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahaha (but so do the Sabres, so there!)
Bets, I hope to the high heavens that you let us read that letter first. I fully understand where you are right now and want to make sure that these steps you are about to take are the right ones. Lord knows you have been at this way too long and deserve to know where your place in life is going to be, with or without H.
look forward to infiltrating the ya ya sisterhood thread more often!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
) and get D10 from gymnastics.