WAW had an affair - hurt and confused - Part 2

[Accuray]

You mainly have it right -- detachment is an emotional state where whatever your WAS does evokes no emotional reaction from you any more than a complete stranger would.

Not pursuing is just that -- resisting the urge to engage. Not pursuing is in many ways "fake it until you make it" as you're training yourself to get to the point of detachment and you're trying to give the impression of actually being detached to take pressure and focus off your WAS.

IMO another difference is that you can will yourself not to pursue but you can't really will yourself to detach, that just happens over time.

I look at it this way -- if a person who lived down the street bought an unremarkable used car, you'd be detached -- you don't know them, you don't care about the car and you weren't involved in the transaction.

If, on the other hand you watched the transaction through binoculars, stayed up all night wondering why they chose that specific car and who they bought it from, then spent the next day convincing yourself they bought it to make you feel bad about your own car, but you resisted confronting them about it, that would be "not pursuing" if you see the difference there.

Another key difference is that a WAS typically sees through "not pursuing" and doesn't trust it. When you detach they know and in many cases it freaks them out.

I remember the moment I realized I was detached. If XW rode through town on a horse naked, had sex on my front lawn, or got abducted by aliens it just pretty much wouldn't register. She became "someone I happen to know" versus someone who occupies any of my thoughts unless they're standing right in front of me.

Keep working on non-pursuit, be polite and happy when you interact with her, and live your own life to the fullest. Go out and do and be.

Acc