Gordie, I understand that. I also am trying to come to grips that it was me and my behavior towards him that pushed him away. I am a strong person and know I can get past the rejection eventually, like you said its just hard to know your best friend, your lover, your spouse doesn't have it for you. I look back at the last year of our marriage and ask myself "why didn't I see what was happening? where was my head?" although he let his end slip too. I fear he takes its as a sign we are not meant to me, instead of thinking "we let it happen, we can work on it and not let it happen again".
One of my biggest flaws is having to control everything. I admit it. So, not being able to control and fix this situation is eating me alive.
