25yearsmlc.......you are absolutely right about everything you have said to me, and all of it makes total sense.
I will say that I was worried I might get upset with him last night and that was why I didn't answer the phone. Now, I may not hear from him today, or ever again, and if that is the case then that is another hard lesson for me to learn.
In the beginning I had so much anger towards him it was unbelievable, and it was pretty scary at times. I have been talking to someone about this and working at it daily. Initially I felt that the anger was coming from a place of hurt, but now the anger is coming from somewhere else and I am trying to figure that out. I see so much of my father in me when I let myself get to that point.....and that is something I never liked about my dad.
This is not about winning for me. I knew from the moment I met this man that I wanted to marry him. I was 38 years old when we got married (my first marriage) and I would tell him "I waited a very long time for you" and I wanted to be with him forever.
I know that during our marriage there were times when it was more important for me to be right....no question about that. I also know I have control issues. I have apologized to H for those times, and I also apologized to him for feeling like he couldn't talk to me about how he was feeling because of how I would react.
I know he is working on himself and doing the best he can, and I need to be okay with that, and if I am not, then I need to really let my M and him go.
All I can do moving forward is do the very hard work of working on me and learn how to improve myself. I know I need to change because I don't like who I have allowed myself to become.
