WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a difference

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc......thank you for all of your words of wisdom, it really does mean a lot to me that you are taking the time to "help" me through all of this. I especially liked when you said "try not to borrow trouble from tomorrow."

Yes, it was a hard lesson to learn that something very simple like telling him thank you could have made all of the difference. I have read the 5 love languages and of course mine is quality time, and H was words of affirmation. We both didn't do well with that....I wanted more of his time, and he wanted more loving words from me. Definitely something I am working on in all of my relationships.

Do I believe that our next conversation needs to be better then the last? Yes, and I need to make sure I don't get any digs or jabs in, or say something that doesn't need to be said. And of course, learn to listen.


how do you feel you handled it, given that you refused the call? I mean, if you knew you couldn't manage to talk without expressing anger, then you were "right" not to take the call.

But if you really want to reconcile with this man, the anger must be handled and I don't mean handled by expressing it to him every time you two connect.

Sometimes we want to reconcile b/c we don't want to be the rejected party, we want to "win." Sometimes it's very hard to know what is truly in our hearts.

Dig deep.



I read something that said "listen and silent are spelled with the same words" ..... I am learning

I ended up keeping myself busy so I wouldn't sit around and "wait" for the call. It was almost 10pm when he did call and I was a bit annoyed that it was so late, so I didn't answer the phone,

does any of this^^ seem like you punished him? You "showed him" that you won't be treated this way, even though it's exactly what he promised to do. He's in a no win situation. My guess is that he had to work up to making the call, btw.


plus I was driving when he called. He left a message saying "I know it is late, but I wanted to call and continue our conversation from earlier, but it may be too late to talk, I'll call you again tomorrow and maybe we can chat. Hope you have a good day, see ya."

I texted him back and told a little fib. I told him I couldn't talk cause I was at the movies Honestly, I felt a bit annoyed that he waited so long and I didn't want my attitude to carry over into our conversation. He said "I'll call you tomorrow. I have a headache and am going to bed. Enjoy your movie" Told him sorry he had a headache and hope that he got some sleep.

So, I came home and walked the dogs, and now I am going to bed cause I am mentally exhausted, and also cause I worked 5 very long and very busy 12 hour shifts in the ICU, and I need to turn my brain off

How will you handle it if he calls again? What if he doesn't call? I'm just asking if you'll be angry either way?

Are you talking to someone? I am a huge proponent of working through our negative emotions and not carrying them around. 10+ years ago I had an epiphany.

I realized that I thought I was "right" to be angry and sad about my h's behaviors and choices. (And I probably was).

But sadness and anger were consuming ME, not him. It didn't matter if I was right. Every time I expressed those emotions, it fueled his negatives and he ran harder and farther. And it made me miserable inside and to be around.

And it kept me from changing ME, which I needed to do for me...and for my kids, actually.

This^^ sounds obvious. But until we grasp it and say it and believe it, we hold onto our anger too much. At our own peril.

"When you hold onto anger to punish someone else,

it's like lighting ourselves on fire,


to get smoke in their eyes."


Hope this ^^ makes sense.

Decide what type of R you want with this man, as he is. Not how you wish him to be.

And if it's recon you want, you probably need to adjust your views & behaviors don't you think?

But IF it's not reconciliation,

then you can forge ahead without his involvement, can't you?