I'm normally a very giving person and would have gone all out for him. The part of me that loves him doesn't want him to feel badly. The part of me that doesn't like how he is behaving wants him to feel my loss.
His kids will be with him (us?) that weekend so it's not as if he'll be alone.
So I'm thinking either I get him a non-romantic card or do nothing.
I think I'd be happy with myself if I gave him a superficial/jokey card and said "Happy Birthday" to him at some point.
cadence,
Maybe you could send him a free ecard. That would acknowledge his birthday, but it'd also send a message that you've moved beyond planning birthday celebrations for him. It's kind of like leaving a very small tip for a waiter that provided poor service; the waiter knows you didn't forget to tip him, but the tip is so small that it sends a clear message about the shoddy service.
Well I do think you should act differently. And I think you need to work towards being different.
Certainly giving a card is pursuing. Either way you need to make this decision about YOU. Not about him, not about your relationship.
I'm having trouble understanding what you're telling me. It feels very contradictory.
My first priority is myself. My second priority is doing what I can to prevent him from following through on self-destructing and taking my life down with him. And from what I've been reading, the best ways to accomplish my two priorities are: GAL, the 180, detaching, and stopping all signs of pursuing.
So if you're telling me to do what is best for me, but it also looks like pursuing, then it's not best for me.
I'm a kind person, and detaching and distancing are difficult for me to do. That's why I lean toward a surface acknowledgement. However, if that's not what is best to achieve my goals, then I don't want to do it.
Cadence, I can so totally identify with your situation! My H turns 50 this summer. He, too, has always been a hands-on, attentive, loving partner who seemed to adore me. We ALSO were the couple who sat on the same side of a booth together. We are both divorced with now grown children, but reading your thoughts about his teenagers and the whole divorced dad/no responsibilities in the home/this is your vacation (my words, not yours-but I think you will get it) resonated with me so strongly. We went through all of that, even down to the crazy ex-wife who as recently as 2 years ago threw a drunken fit at our son's wedding reception about us dancing (and we've been married 13 YEARS!). So I HEAR YOU SISTER. But, back to the men.... if you'll go back and read my thread you'll see that my story really parallels yours in so many ways. I reacted very badly to his news and I did all the things they say not to do. I don't have any advice for you, because you seem to have a real handle on the whole detaching/180 thing, and I'd say keep that up. After 3 months of silence, coldness, and abandonment from my H, he has started to communicate recently and wants us to meet for a weekend, but I will say that I don't think that would have happened had I not implemented the principles found here. I don't know where we are headed, and in fact there was a set-back (at least for me) this past weekend as far as what I hope for our future, but I'm trying to step back to where I was before he began to contact me, and continue to make a life for myself without him. It's hard especially this week, because now I have the flu, which makes me feel very alone and vulnerable and sad. Keep hanging in there, post often, maybe you will get more responses and help than I have been able to- with the exception of my faithful friend Jeep, most of my cries for support on here go unnoticed. I've tried getting on others' posts and just offering some encouragement, and reading others' stories and struggles always helps me keep my own in perspective. I'm pulling for you!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Maybe you could send him a free ecard. That would acknowledge his birthday, but it'd also send a message that you've moved beyond planning birthday celebrations for him.
Well I do think you should act differently. And I think you need to work towards being different.
Certainly giving a card is pursuing. Either way you need to make this decision about YOU. Not about him, not about your relationship.
I'm having trouble understanding what you're telling me. It feels very contradictory.
My first priority is myself. My second priority is doing what I can to prevent him from following through on self-destructing and taking my life down with him. And from what I've been reading, the best ways to accomplish my two priorities are: GAL, the 180, detaching, and stopping all signs of pursuing.
So if you're telling me to do what is best for me, but it also looks like pursuing, then it's not best for me.
I'm a kind person, and detaching and distancing are difficult for me to do. That's why I lean toward a surface acknowledgement. However, if that's not what is best to achieve my goals, then I don't want to do it.
Hello cadence,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! At this point you want to be very strategic, especially with how you handle his birthday.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
