When Do MLC-LBS Officially Give Up?

[ciluzen]

That was a great answer, Roist. As has been said before, its over when you say it is (or something like that).

Most of us are at verious levels of trying to "detach", with our own versions of what that means. Some have young kids, teens or adult children; others have no kids at all. This usually affects the amount of interaction with your MLCer. So does whether they are in house or out of area. Some are trying to be the "nice guy/girl" out of guilt? Love? Fear? and are constantly popping up to "help out". Obviously, the more often there is interaction, the more often there is hope for R and that makes it harder to detach completely. We tend to search every interaction or report from others for a "sign" that they are changing their ways.

So, back to the original question...

You try to give up now. As you said, DBing is for life. The point is to focus on you, not them. That's the battle, right there. I know for me, I still focus way too much on XH. His behavior is such that I fall for his confused and oblivious acts because I'm still unable to completely let go. And I've been rockin' the h3## out of GAL and "moving on". Its a process, but it does get better with time. The amount of time is different for each person.

If what your really asking is when can you start seeing other people and looking for another R...Well. Its tempting to do it to try and get past the loneliness and past the MLCer. Lots of people in our lives think that pushing us to do that is healthy. Up to you, really. My own personal philosophy (and I'm D and very tempted) is that if I got into another relationship while still not detached from XH, is that fair to the new R? I see how far I've come, but I know my lack of detachment would get in the way of a healthy R. So, I personally need to have more time to get to know me. My own therapist was pushing me to date...at my first appointment! She used her own life as an example (D, dated and married again within three years), but since Ive been going to her, she's been venting so much to me about her anger at her X that I realize she still has a ton of anger and hurt that have never been resolved. I don't see that as healthy for her relationship now.

As far as abandoning hope and not caring, they aren't mutually exclusive. You can still care about the person, yet not have hope for reuniting as a couple. I like the NC method...the less contact, the easier it becomes to go about your day to day and get into that. The thinking about your "other" slowly starts to lose its power. You are able to view that R more as an outsider looking in...you can then become less reactive when there is contact. It gets better.

I think when you no longer have to ask, "when do I give up?" and just realize you are enjoying life without them, that's when you realize you've dropped the rope. Then you will realize that its over when you say it is. That's when you feel the power of you more than the power of them. So, concentrate hard on making life enjoyable. See the obstacles to that as challenges rather than roadblocks. Make it fun.