Have you seen a lawyer to discuss what your rights are? If not, now is the time to do so even if you don't get the papers, you need to be up on what you are entitled to.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I have spoken to two lawyers so I have a good picture of what I will get.
Where I live everything is split 50-50, including custody time. That is what kills me. I am willing to give up more of the stuff to have more time with my son. We'll see how all that works out.
It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Any other advice?
I find myself focusing on OW in terms of her relationship with her boyfriend (not my H). I want their relationship to succeed (OW and her boyfriend). At least I won't have to deal with her as a step mother to my son. Does that make any sense? I don't know how those of you who have faced that situation deal with it. It seems so very difficult.
H is still writing OW emails professing his love for her, blah, blah, blah. Some of it is really over the top. She is not reciprocating. At a recent work-related function OW and her boyfriend were all over each other to the point it made other people uncomfortable. I just don't understand. Why would she continue to communicate with my H if she is so in love with someone else?
The ow is probably just trying to be nice to your h because she is probably aware that he's not all there at the moment. If they work together, she wants to keep things "nice" during work, but isn't having anything to do w/your h after hours. Her behavior w/her boyfriend at the work-related function should have provided a clue to your h that he doesn't have a snowball's change in H@ll to win her over...but like a teenager, he doesn't get it. It's a challenge for him to try to get her attention away from her boyfriend.
I wouldn't waste too much time trying to understand the hows and whys of what she's doing. The focus has to be on you and how you plan to proceed if you receive the papers. You have to let nature take its course w/your h and hopefully, he'll come to understand that she's not available to be his girlfriend.
Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I keep hoping my W's POM proposes to his GF or gets her pregnant. W doesn't understand that he's not interested, just like your H! It's so infuriating.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Job - thank you for the reminders to maintain my focus on moi. As I am sure you know, easier said than done.
H is behaving like a teenager. My sister-in-law (H's sister) is going through something very similar. She has been updating my almost daily about what is happening. There are so many similarities in what her H is telling her and what my H is telling me. All the lying, manipulation, and duplicity is just astounding. I don't get it. Do these cheaters think the LBSs are stupid?
Gordie - I totally agree it is infuriating. It is so absurd it is almost laughable. Like Job said, they are behaving like teenagers. I try to put myself in H's shoes and ask myself, is that behavior reasonable? Right now even though, I have a hard time trusting my instincts and myself, I think his behavior is ridiculous. I'm not being too judgmental am I?
Everything is pretty quiet on the MLC front. No PA barbs so far this week. But it's early. Lol!
We went for a walk after dinner yesterday with S. To anyone looking in, we were a normal family. S and I were laughing and playing. H rarely laughs. How is he not going to miss this?
After we put S to bed I retreat into my room and watch t.v., read, talk on the phone, and/or do some knitting. I had a session with my EMDR therapist yesterday, but didn't do any EMDR. We just talked. I had to get some things off my chest.
One of the things we talked about is whether I should confront D about getting the letter from the court regarding the filing. My instinct is no, I will not do the work for him. The therapist challenged me about settling into old patterns. For me, an old pattern would be to confront. And oh boy, would I. But I guess I should ask, am I avoiding/stalling or am I doing something different. I don't the answer to that right now.
Part of me feels that this is HIS divorce therefore, he should do the work. If I come forward, in essence, I would be serving myself and relieving him of that responsibility. Why should I lift a finger to make things easier for him? That sounds bitter, doesn't it.
So far, no PA comments this week. Also, no "I'm so old" comments. (Watch tonight it'll all start up again.) But then again, we are interacting less and less. We are both probably pulling away from each other.
I found myself missing my dog so much last night. I'm sure my loneliness triggered it. I live in a house with two other people and yet it leaves me feeling so alone.
All the lying, manipulation, and duplicity is just astounding. I don't get it. Do these cheaters think the LBSs are stupid?
YEP.
Regarding whether you should to the work on D... here's my take. H decided in Nov that he needed to move out and find someone to make him happy. He moved out Jan 1. He makes twice what I make and we have two kids and a huge mortgage payment. He made no moves to hire an attorney or put anything legal in place...so I did. Not because I want to S or D, but to protect my kids and my financial interests. I work in a field where a bankruptcy filing could literally ruin my career. I can't afford to have him screw anything up for me financially while he's in the tunnel. So I did the work, met with him to go over particulars, met with my attorney repeatedly to get it right, etc. etc.
So you've got to look at your own situation and decide where your best interests lie. If protecting you and your son's interests means you do the work, then look at it as something you're doing for yourselves, not for H.
Hang in there. I'm a dog person too and they provide so much comfort when we're down. I still feel the loss of two of my best buds that I lost almost 5 years ago. Hugs to you, FightOn.
Me : 42 Him : 43 M : 18, T : 19 D13, D11 4/16 1st BD (ILYB) 11/16 H wants s, moves out of br 1/17 H rents house & moves out 2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter) 5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
I agree with you if he is the one who wants that D, let him doing the work. Like you I used to confront, now I am much more in the wait and see.
Why didn't he tell you about filing since you are still living together? Does he want you to react/get upset so he can validate his decision? What is his agenda for not telling you?
You are doing a great job at detaching and avoiding confrontation, at least the tension is less. Remember for him, you are the cause of his happiness, so his PA was a way to make you react/argue/confront to validate his actions. Also, you need some "peace", it's very difficult to live with somebody who is PA on a daily basis, walking constantly on eggshells drives you nuts, when your mind is on constant fight or flight, it's very tough to think, you become reactive instead of being active.
Now with him having filed, you need to keep your cards hidden from him, do not tell him what your next move is going to be. He didn't tell you about the filing, be very careful when the negotiations will start, have somebody on your side, do not trust him, if he cannot share that info with you, what else did he hide from you? I am not paranoid but sadly I have lived enough to see a few of my friends being blindsided during their divorce.
Ask Jeep for divorce advice, he is full of great ones.
Keep venting here or to a friend, when you vent, you sort out your feelings and it helps to clarify your mind.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
The three questions you posed are excellent ones. I can only guess as to the possible answers (fear most likely, exactly what, though, I haven't a clue), which would be mindreading.
Thank you for your words of praise and encouragement. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. As you stated, living with a PA is extremely difficult. Like you, I tend to be confrontational. My approach has always been, if there is a problem, let's talk about it. None of this beat-around-the-bush nonsense, I'll let you know I'm angry/upset by acting like Mr. Poopy Pants. Ignoring the behavior takes a lot of strength; no wonder I am so tired at the end of the day. Knowing what it is when I hear/see it certainly helps.
As much as I hate to admit this, knowing that OW is really into her boyfriend helps immensely. I don't like to admit this because it is something on the outside of me that is making me more relaxed; I am focusing on something I have no control over.
Throughout this ordeal I have felt that this is all my fault. The MLC, the affair, the breakdown of the marriage. It's all me. Logically, I know that is not the case. But I have a hard time accepting it. There is some solace for me in the fact H and OW probably won't be together. In a way, it confirms what I logically know.
In the meantime, I am continuing my EMDR therapy, trying to work on my side of the street. All this sweeping, weeding, and cleaning up is a lot of hard work. I'm nowhere near where I need to be. I know I should just keep looking forward.
FightOn, I remember reading in your post about how alone you feel despite that he is in the house. Mine was a week in and a week out for about a year. I soon learned that I felt far less lonely in the times he was gone than when he was there. When someone is in the house and ignoring you, it feels worse than when you are truly alone. It took me a few months, but now I love being alone, even at night. I never have to worry about someone in my own house who won't talk to me or look at me. Even my teens aren't that immature.
