WAW had an affair - hurt and confused - Part 2

[Accuray]

I desire the person, too. But then it's complicated because I desire the person who would never hurt or betray me.

Often times we love people for who we want them to be versus who they are

I'd have an unstoppable motivation to improve the MR for that person. Right now I really don't have that motivation for the cold-hearted person she's become. And motivation has never been her thing so I can't imagine her putting in the hard work of chipping away at the damage to where I'd really want to put in the work too.

You're right. If you "pursue her back" she won't have any motivation to do anything because she'll be there begrudgingly, or to do you a favor, or because she didn't have a better option, and there is no motivation in that.

Often we think that the wayward spouse returning is the finish line and from there everything gets better.

Realistically if she came back tomorrow it would kick off a cycle of you being suspicious of what she was doing every minute you're not with her, seeking an apology or admission of wrongdoing which you wouldn't get, and then slowly building anger within you about the whole mess you endured -- not a very romantic place to rekindle a romance.

If you get back together, you need to come back together as equals, which means that she wants you at least as much as you want her, and you each see each other as the best option.

How do you do that? You have to be happy and fulfilled on your own first. No one can love you if you don't love yourself first right? Sounds simple but that's what it comes down to. The shortest path back is beeline in the opposite direction.

I almost got the impression she was wanting me to invite her over to work on it together. If she can't even come out and say that then there's really no hope for her to be honest and put in the hard work on a R.

Danger, don't drink the poison water. Don't read into what she secretly wants but isn't telling you, you're just torturing yourself with that. I know it's incredibly difficult to know how to act around her right now.

The best thing you can do is the "friendly coworker standard" -- how would you treat a coworker you are friendly with but who is not a friend of yours? You'd be civil and polite, but you wouldn't go out of your way to do them any favors, and you certainly wouldn't share anything personal or intimate in terms of how you're feeling.

Visualize her as someone from the office who you kind of know but aren't friends with. You wouldn't be rude, but you wouldn't be overly accommodating either, just accommodating enough to be genuinely polite.

Question for you brizz -- how do you think she'll feel if you are polite but indifferent to her?

Acc